The Way I Loved You
Sequel to Donât You
Pairing: Sebastian Stan x reader
Word count: 5k
ââââââââ
âYeah, I mean Jess is pretty-â
âSensible.â
â-incredible,â Sebastian finished, barely throwing Mackie a glare at his interruption.
Chris nodded slightly. âI gotta say, Iâm pretty jealous. She seems like a great person. Iâd love to date someone like her. Whatâs she up to tonight?â
âLook out, Sebastian. Evans is going to steal your girl.â Sebastian shook his head fondly as Chris and Anthony bickered gently.
âI just thought that Wednesday was date night. Thatâs all.â Chris raised his hands in surrender.
âYeah, itâs supposed to be, but I told her it was your last night in LA and we wanted to have dinner.â
âAnd she was fine with it?â
âYeah, she was cool with it.â Surprisingly cool, actually. Wednesday date night had been Jessâs idea at the start of their relationship. She claimed it would be a good way to make sure they were staying connected, even when work got crazy. Sometimes Wednesday night had to become Tuesday or Thursday if Sebastian had to shoot at night, but Jess always said it was fine. Really, Sebastian couldnât ask for a better, more understanding girlfriend.
âSo what exactly do you do on date night?â Sebastian had barely rolled his eyes before Anthony was throwing a napkin at him. âI didnât mean like that. Like, do you just eat dinner together? Donât you do that anyway when youâre visiting her?â
âYeah, but itâs like special, I guess.â Sebastian shrugged slightly. âShe normally makes a reservation at a nice restaurant and we get dressed up. I open all the doors for her. I tell her she looks beautiful.â
âAnd you like doing that every week?â Mackie pressed.
âYeah, itâs fine.â
âYou taking notes, Anthony?â Chris laughed.
âNo, I just think itâs a little boring compared to his dates with Y/N. I feel like she was always coming up with the most random date ideas.â
âTo make up for the fact that we could go months without a real date. Most of our Wednesday nights together were dinner at the apartment and then sitting on the couch together while she did work.â
âAnd you read scripts,â Anthony pointed out. âBesides, donât act like some of those date droughts werenât because you were away filming and always forgot when you were supposed to call her.â
âYeah, yeah, Iâm bad at long distance. Why do you think I visit Jess so much?â
âNew York to LA isnât that different from LA to San Francisco,â Anthony muttered, causing Chris to kick him under the table.
âI told you, we just couldnât give each other enough attention. Y/N was busy. Sheâs not as willing to be as flexible as Jess.â
âMore like she doesnât let you get away with as much crap as Jess does.â
âMackie, come on. Itâs my last night in LA. Letâs not spend all night discussing Sebastianâs love life.â Anthony nodded at Chrisâs request, but Sebastian could tell that he still had opinions to share. What did Anthony know, though? Sebastianâs relationship was fine. He felt perfectly fine.
ââââââââ
âWhere the hell have you been, Y/N?â
She jumped slightly, almost falling out of her heels. And since when did she wear heels that high? Sebastian was sure he hadnât seen those shoes in their closet.
âSebastian?â She squinted. The low light in the apartment made it hard to see him clearly, though Sebastian wasnât sure whether or not she could even see straight at that moment. âWhat are you doing here? You still have two weeks of shooting.â
He scoffed. âAnd I thought you were having a chill night in. What happened to takeout and a romcom?â
Y/Nâs nostrils flared. They always did that when she was trying not to lash out at someone. The first time Sebastian had noticed that was sophomore year of high school, when she was trying to stop herself from going off on someone who had made an incredibly wrong point about a book they were discussing in class.
âSome people from work were going out to celebrate. Itâs been a long week and we finally landed that big deal I was telling you about.â
It would be easier to let it go and just be excited about the deal. Y/N had been stressing about it all week, and even though Sebastian didnât really understand it, he knew that it was important for Y/N. But he didnât let it go.
âItâs 2 AM!â
âOk? Iâm an adult. If I want to stay out until 2, I can.â
âYou shouldnât go out without letting someone know. It could be dangerous. You donât know who else is out there.â
âI was with people Iâve worked with for a year, and I did tell people I was going out. Now stop acting like my mother.â
âYou didnât tell me.â
âBecause youâre supposed to be in Atlanta! Last I heard, you had to film tonight.â Y/N pressed a hand against her eyes for a moment before glaring at Sebastian again. âAnd besides, I would have told you if you had answered my call this afternoon. The call that we planned because youâve been too busy to call all week.â
âI told you that I was coming to visit this weekend!â
She looked at Sebastian like he had just grown another head or started speaking Latin. âWhat are you talking about?â
âI told you that I was coming to visit this weekend,â Sebastian repeated, a bit quieter this time.
âAre you talking about last month when you said that they might change the schedule so you might be able to come back for a day or two?â
âYes!â
âYou never mentioned that again! You never gave me any dates! I just assumed that they didnât change the schedule. How was I supposed to know you were coming tonight?â
âI wanted to surprise you! You said you would be here tonight .â
âIf you had answered-â
âIf I had answered the damn call! I know I know! Damnit, Y/N, you should have been here!â
They were both breathing heavily at this point. Y/N shook her head slightly as her mouth opened and closed as if she was trying to figure out what to say.
âIâm not just going to wait around for you, Sebastian.â Y/Nâs voice was quiet, but firm. âIâm not going to sit in the apartment by myself every night because you said that you might be able to come home on some unspecified day. I have a career and friends and a life thatâs separate from you. Iâm not just Sebastian Stanâs girlfriend.â
âI know!â Sebastian sat heavily on the couch. He ran a hand over his face. It came back wet. Slowly, his shoulders started to shake before a sob finally escaped. âI know,â he repeated hoarsely.
There was a dip next to him, and then Y/Nâs head was resting on his arm. âOk, so whatâs really wrong?â
He sighed. How had this night gone so wrong? âIt was just a really bad week at work. I just heard back from a part that I really wanted. I didnât get it. I just really wanted to see you, and when you werenât here, I started panicking. And then you showed up and you had been having fun and your work is going well and it was justâŠI donât know.â
âYou needed to blow off some steam.â Sebastian nodded. âI'm sorry that youâve been having a tough time, but next time Iâd appreciate if you didnât take it out on me.â
âI wonât.â
They sat in silence for a minute before Y/N spoke. âWhen do you leave?â
âTomorrow night.â
âI think that tomorrow we need to discuss our communication problems.â
âDo you really think thatâs necessary?â
âI do, Sebastian. Right now, the only reason we ever talk is because I bend over backwards to fit your schedule. I know that youâre busy, but so am I. I want our relationship to work. Like really work long term. But I canât just not live my life because Iâm waiting around for you to call. Itâs not fair if you constantly reschedule last minute after Iâve gone to all this trouble to make time.â
âYouâre right.â
âI know I am.â Finally, Sebastian cracked a smile. The sound of Y/Nâs laughter from beside him made his heart swell up with joy. âYou know, I think that was our first big fight as a couple.â
âI didnât like it.â
âI didnât either. From now on, no more bottling up our feelings until we explode. Deal?â Sebastian nodded. âGood. Can we go to bed now, Seb?â Sebastian didnât say anything. Instead, he simply picked Y/N up bridal style and carried her into the bedroom while she shrieked with laughter.
ââââââââ
His relationship with Jess was never as explosive as his relationship with Y/N had been. Surely that was a good thing. There were no 2 AM fights. If Sebastian showed up at her house to surprise her, she would cancel any plans she had to spend time with him. It didnât matter if he was late picking her up for a date night, she was out at his car in no time. She hadnât even kept him waiting the one time he had gotten the times mixed up and had gone to pick her up an hour early.
If he said he didnât want to talk about something, she dropped it. If he said he wanted some space, she gave him space. If he said he was going to call and then ended up having to hang up after a few minutes, she didnât get mad. She was incredibly understanding about everything. He couldnât remember the last time they had fought.
In fact, had they ever fought. Maybe? She told him she didnât like his cologne and had been a little annoyed that he had kept wearing it anyway, but she never pushed the matter with him. Any time she seemed annoyed, she just smiled and told him to forget about it. So much easier than a 2 AM fight.
And yet, Sebastian couldnât help but remember the 2 AM dance parties in the kitchen because he was jet lagged and Y/N decided that the best use of jet lag was making cupcakes and listening to big band music. And the times that Y/N, who somehow always knew when something was bothering him, wouldnât let him rest until he told her. He always felt better after he did, even if she had no advice. Even if her advice was to get his head out of his ass because he was the one in the wrong.
Jess only told him to take a sleeping pill and go to bed when he was jet lagged. She wouldnât dance with him in the kitchen late at night. And she certainly wouldnât dance with him in the rain.
âWhat are you thinking about?â Sebastian was pulled from his thoughts by Jessâs voice. His girlfriend settled into the couch next to him. His girlfriend. She was his girlfriend.
âNothing much.â
âYou sure? You looked pretty intense.â
âIâm sure.â Jess returned Sebastianâs grin, but he wasnât sure if she actually believed him. Either way, she didnât press.
âI talked to your mom earlier.â
That seemed to come out of nowhere. âMy mom? Why?â It couldnât be anything too important or she would have called him first.
Jess shrugged. âJust to chat. She had some questions about New York Fashion Week. I think she might be hoping I can get her into shows or something.â
âI didnât know you were going to walk in Fashion Week.âÂ
âIâm not yet, but there might still be time. Imagine how good weâd look together there. There would be so many pictures of us together.â Sebastian didnât say anything, so she continued. âI also talked to your stepdad a bit. I asked him if he had any funny stories about you from school.â
Why was she talking to his parents? That seemed a little strange to Sebastian. They had only been dating for a couple months, and she had only met his parents once and that was partly by accident. Of course, Sebastian wasnât really sure when it was normal for his girlfriend to meet his parents. Y/N had already known them. She probably knew even more embarrassing stories than his stepdad did.
âYou ready to watch the movie?â Sebastian asked so he didnât have to hear her talk about his parents more.Â
She snuggled closer to him. âAre you comfortable?â
âYeah,â he answered. âIâm comfortable.â And he was. That was the perfect word for his relationship with Jess. She didnât push him the same way that Y/N had. They didnât hit the same lows, but they also didnât hit the same highs. It was comfortable.
ââââââââ
The air smelled like rain. The weather app had said there wasnât a chance that night, but it seemed like it would be wrong. Y/Nâs heels clicked on the sidewalk with each step, but the noise of the city drowned them out. They didnât drown out the pleas from her boyfriend.
âY/N, come on. Youâre being ridiculous.â Sebastian jogged after Y/N, who could walk surprisingly fast in heels when she wanted to.
âIâm being ridiculous? I spent the weeks planning everything for your perfect birthday evening and we didnât do any of it.â
âWe got drinks like you planned.â
âYes, but we were supposed to get drinks, then go to a different restaurant, where I made a reservation two months ago. We were not supposed to stay there to eat, then go out drinking with some random people.â
âTheyâre not random people. Iâve worked with them before. I havenât seen them in forever.â They had been about to pay for drinks and leave when Sebastian had caught sight of some actors he had worked with a couple years before. Y/N had hoped that the reunions would end after some pleasantries, but that hadnât been the case. âAnd they paid for everything! You should be thanking them.â
âOkay, I know that what they did was nice, and if it had been any other night I would have loved it. But itâs your birthday and youâre only home for a couple days before you have to go back.â
âI know it sucks-â
Y/N stopped so suddenly that Sebastian almost ran into her. She wheeled around and jabbed a finger at his chest. âNo, what sucks is spending any free time you have researching restaurants and bars so that you can plan the perfect drinks, then dinner, then a nice walk, then desserts before heading home to watch a movie. Last year, you said that would be your perfect birthday, so thatâs what I did. And now it doesnât even matter.â
âI didnât ask you to do all that. I would have been fine with dinner at home.â
âI havenât seen you in person in three months. When you said that I could plan whatever I wanted for your birthday, I wanted to make it special.â âThereâs still time to make it special.â Sebastian raised his eyebrows suggestively. When he tried to grab Y/Nâs hand, she yanked it back before turning and continuing down the street.
âWe wasted all our time clubbing. God, weâre too old to spend a birthday clubbing. Itâs almost 2 in the morning, and your flight leaves at 10.â
âSo we can really go crazy and pull an all-nighter. Iâm sure there are still some fun activities you had planned that we can do at home.â
âI have a meeting at 11. Iâll barely have enough time to prep after dropping you off at the airport.â
âThen donât bother dropping me off. I can call a car.â
âSebastian.â Y/N always took him to the airport when he had to leave. It was their little way of squeezing out every second they had together.
âWell if itâs going to be such an inconvenience, donât worry about it.â This time it was Sebastian who continued to walk when Y/N stopped to look at him.
âIt wasnât supposed to be an inconvenience. I was supposed to have time to wake up early to go over everything before taking you to the airport. If we had stuck to the plan-â
A raindrop landed on Y/Nâs nose. Of course, neither of them had brought an umbrella or a raincoat. They were supposed to have been home hours before the rain started.
âOh my god. The plan this! The plan that! Itâs always about your plans.â
âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â
âItâs like youâre incapable of not having a plan. Everything has to be scheduled. Everything has to have a defined next step. If anyone strays from the plan, all you can do is complain.â Sebastian ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his face as the rain started to really come down.
âIâm sorry that I care! Iâm sorry that I just wanted you to have a good birthday.â
âThatâs not what Iâm saying! Sometimes I just want to go with the flow. Like going out with some friends I hadnât seen in forever. Or going to the first gelato place I see.â
âOh my god, are you still upset about the gelato?â They had gone to Italy for a couple weeks that summer. There had been a small tiff about which gelato place they should go to one afternoon. âThe other place had way better reviews, and it was only around the corner. You still got gelato!â
âYeah but by then I was so annoyed that I couldnât enjoy it.â
âFine! Next time you can get some subpar gelato, while I go get better gelato. In fact, you can eat wherever you want the next time you go on vacation. You want seafood thatâll almost certainly give you food poisoning? Go for it. You want an overpriced salad thatâs almost exactly the same as a cheaper one you could get two streets over. Waste your money. I donât care anymore.â
âI never asked you to do any of that though!â
âFuck you, Sebastian! Iâm sorry that I care!â At this point, the rain was coming down hard enough that it was impossible for Sebastian to see the tears rolling down Y/Nâs cheeks. But he could still hear them in her voice. âItâs just that I care about you so much that sometimes it feels like Iâm going to explode. And I donât get to be around you all the time, so I have to put all that energy into so much less than I want to. I know that I can go a bit far with plans, but sometimes I like having a plan.â
âItâs okay.â Gently, Sebastian grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. She seemed to collapse into him as he wrapped his arms around her. âItâs okay. I like how on top of everything you are most of the time, but sometimes it can be fun to just see what happens. I donât mean to upset you when I do that.â
âI know, but it feels like you donât care about all the work that I did.â
âIâm sorry. Maybe this is something we can work on.â
âWhat do you mean?â
âWell, remember when I was so bad at communication?â Y/N smiled slightly and nodded. âMaybe you can work on going with the flow a bit more. Do something spontaneous. Go for a walk and see where you end up, like you used to when we first moved in together. Take a vacation and donât make any plans. I know that you like living in the moment.â
âWork is way too busy right now to start being spontaneous. Iâll basically be living at the office for the next couple months.â That was the problem with Y/Nâs job. Even though she enjoyed the work and was good at it, there was always so much going on that it made it almost impossible for Y/N to have time to do anything else. âStop making that face, Seb. I know you donât like my job.â
âItâs not that I donât like your job. I just donât like how stressed it makes you. Maybe you should take the job at that startup. The one with the guy you went to school with.â
âIâm not sure a startup is the best way to be less stressed. Plus, itâs in San Francisco.â
âYeah, but Iâll be really busy next year, so weâd probably be apart anyway. At least think about it. Thatâll be spontaneous enough.â
âWhatever you say, Seb.â
ââââââââ
The smile on Sebastianâs face felt fake. Everything about his relationship felt fake nowadays. And Jess had no idea. She couldnât see it.
His girlfriend sat across from him, his beautiful, kind girlfriend, and he felt nothing. There was no rush of happiness when he saw her. There was no ache in his chest when he was away from her. And worst all, he couldnât be sure there had ever been.
Had he felt anything for Jess besides physical attraction? Deep down, he didnât think so. She had just been a way to get over Y/N. It had worked for a while. He had convinced himself that he was happy with her. But then he had seen Y/N.Â
He wasnât supposed to go to the wedding, and maybe he shouldnât have. Y/N would have had a lot more fun if he hadnât been there. Maybe it had been a bit selfish, but he had to see her. He missed her. He wanted her back in his life. Even though he tried to pretend it wasnât true, he wanted her back. He still loved her.
And she still loved him. She probably also hated him, at least a little bit, despite what she said. But she still loved him. Ever since he had heard those words, his world had started to dim.
He hadnât noticed it at first. Maybe he was slower to laugh at jokes. Maybe he started finding date night tedious, rather than sweet. And maybe he started thinking about what Y/N was doing whenever possible.
You couldnât blame him, really. Jess was an open book. She was nice. She was, at least partly, using him for publicity. She was pretty. He could guess what she would say at any moment. As great as she was, she wasnât very deep.
Y/N, on the other hand, was a wild card. Yes, she could be a little plan heavy, but she really shone when she let herself cut loose. When she booked flights to Italy on a whim or decided they should go skydiving during the weekend. Or even when she accidentally found their new favorite Indian restaurant because she wasnât paying attention when walking home and ended up on the wrong street.
Did she sometimes want to make him bang his head against a wall? Yes. But she also made him a better person. She didnât let him get away with any crap. And she was the only thing he ever wanted to think about.
âJess,â Sebastian said, interrupting whatever story she had been telling. âWe need to talk.â
ââââââââ
It was raining so hard that Sebastian almost walked right past the building. Of course, Sebastian didnât have an umbrella. Wasnât it supposed to not rain in California? Or maybe LA rules didnât apply to San Francisco. Either way, Sebastian was drenched by the time that he stood outside of the apartment building.
The doorman raised an eyebrow as Sebastian dripped on his floor. âHow can I help you?â
âIâm here to see Y/N.â Did she even still live in this apartment? He wasnât sure. She had only signed the lease for a year, so maybe she had moved. Sebastian tried to keep walking towards the elevator, but the doorman was quick to stop him.
âSheâs not available right now, but Iâll let her know you stopped by. Goodnight.â Arguing seemed pointless. It was getting late, and he was a strange man as far as the doorman was concerned. But what did not available mean? Was she out? Or did she have someone up in her apartment? If only he had been able to go up. It was his own fault for insisting she get an apartment with a doorman.
Back outside in the rain, he looked up at the window that he knew was hers. Or at least had been the last time he had visited. He had looked up at the window and watched her wave as he drove away. Every time it got harder to leave. Harder to be sure that she would still want him when he came back.
Without any other good plan, Sebastian did the first thing he could think of. âY/N!â he yelled. Would the other people in the apartment building think he was crazy? Maybe. Did he care? No. Maybe if he yelled enough, she would come down. Would it come off as romcom-esque or just creepy? Maybe he should have brought a boom box or something.
âSebastian?â
He spun around so quickly that he almost slipped on the wet sidewalk. There she was. She was wearing a raincoat that seemed to almost swallow her, and the hood hid her face. Some part of Sebastianâs mind pointed out that it was his raincoat. He must have forgotten it at her apartment once. She had a backpack on and takeout in one hand, which Sebastian knew meant she was just getting back from work.
âSebastian, what are you doing here?â She didnât sound mad, just confused. That was fair, really. After their run in at the wedding reception, she probably hadnât expected to see him, at least for a long time.
âI miss you.â That was all Sebastian was able to choke out at first.
Y/N started shaking her head and brought a hand up to her eyes, knocking the hood of the raincoat down. She didnât seem to notice. âNo, Sebastian. I told you-â
âI know. I know what you told me.â Y/Nâs eyes tentatively met his. âBut I do miss you. And I do want you back. Not just as a friend. Breaking up with you was the stupidest thing Iâve ever done.â
âThen why did you do it?â Sebastian hated how small she sounded. He hated that he was the reason for it.
âI was scared.âÂ
âYou were scared? I was the one with a new job in a new city.â
âI knew that you would take it all by storm though. You always do. And it just felt like the more you settled in here, the less you needed me. I knew that one day you would realize that you had outgrown me. I guess I was trying to save myself from that pain, so I ended things first.â
âOutgrow you? Sebastian, I love you. I could never outgrow that.â
âYouâre way too good for me. And you're constantly surrounded by people who are smarter than me. People you can have real conversations about your work with. You donât have to dumb stuff down for them.â
âIf I want to talk to them about work, then Iâll do it at work. They donât make me smile like you do though. I donât enjoy being around them as much as I enjoy being around you. Who cares if you donât understand all of that boring business stuff? Youâre still smart. And kind. And youâre the one I always wanted to come home to at the end of the day.â
She was close enough to touch now. Sebastian wasnât sure if he had been walking towards her or if she had been walking towards him. Maybe it was both.
âWhat about Jess?â
âWe broke up.â
âI didnât know that.â
âWell it only happened a couple hours ago.â
âSebastian!â Y/N swatted him on the arm, but she was laughing. âDid you break up with her and then come here?â
âI figured you probably wouldnât take me back if I was still dating someone else.â
âYeah. Youâre probably right.â Y/N smiled up at him. Gently, he placed a hand on her cheek and kissed her. The feeling was just as exciting as the first time they had kissed. Sebastian couldnât help but smile. When they pulled away, Y/N was smiling too.
âWeâre going to make this work,â Sebastian said. âI donât care if I have to fly here every day to see you. Iâm not letting you go again.â
âActually, I have a solution that might be a bit easier.â The sly smile on Y/Nâs face made Sebastian smile too. âThe startup was just acquired by a bigger company-â
âIs that good?â
âFor the most part. Itâs good for me because Iâll be in charge of expanding our little startup. That means,â she continued, seeing the look of confusion on Sebastianâs face, âthat Iâll be doing a lot of traveling around to new offices. Whenever Iâm not needed at a specific office, I can work anywhere.â
âAnywhere?â Sebastian was starting to see where she was going with this, but he tried to keep himself from getting his hopes up.
âI was planning on staying here for a couple more months before moving back to New York, but I can work from anywhere as long as I have a computer and wifi. Iâm pretty sure they have both of those in places like LA or Atlanta or wherever youâre filming. Iâll still be busy, but weâll be together.â
Whatever else Y/N was going to say was forgotten when Sebastian picked her up and spun her around. âIâve missed you,â Sebastian whispered as he put her back down.
âSo Iâve heard.â Sebastian laughed and pressed a kiss on Y/Nâs wet hair. âIâve missed you too, Seb. I have one more question though.â
âAsk me anything.â
âDo you think this food is too waterlogged to eat?â She lifted the takeout bag slightly.
âI guess we have to hope the plastic bag did its job.â Sebastian took the bag out of her hand and wrapped his other arm around her shoulders. âI hope you ordered enough for me.â
âI hope so too. I wasnât exactly expecting you though.â
âI hope it was a good surprise though.â
Y/N squeezed Sebastianâs waist. âThe best. I love you.â
âI love you too.â

















