#cage dancer

'Cause you're here with me right now

Your love is heavenly, baby

🎵Heaven must be missin' an angel

Missin' one angel, child

Heavenly to me, baby🎶

It’s time for another installment of our highly popular list of handy excuses to use when you want to get out of doing something so you can go be a superhero (or like take a nap I guess, these excuses can be whipped out at any time, that’s how good they are) sorted in alphabetical order by job. (I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for this forever, the last one of these was over 40 posts ago. Many of you didn’t even exist 40 posts ago!)

A B D E

Cable Guy

I have to go now, I have an appointment to fix someone’s cable (bonus points if you actually did have an appointment that you’re ditching to fight crime. The more real appointments you miss the more legitimate of a cable guy you are anyway {git-r-done!}).

Caddie

Oh sorry sir looks like you were a little off the mark, I’ll go find your ball for you (and then disappear to go fight crime).

Cage Dancer

I saw on the news that a flash-mob had broken out in a zoo and that’s just relevant enough to me for me to get down there.

Cage Fighter

I saw on the news that a superhero fight had broken out in a zoo and that’s just relevant enough to me for me to get down there.

Cameraman

I’m going to try to get some video footage of those superheroes for my news agency.

I’m going to try to get some video footage of those superheroes, not for my news agency, but to sell online.

Camp Counselor

All right kids, tonight’s exciting night activity is a game called “everybody closes their eyes until you stop hearing the sounds of a giant space crab being beaten up.”

Campaign Manager

I need to go find out who those superheroes and villains are voting for. If any of those heroes are voting for my guy or if any of those space slugs are voting for the other guy it could make for a killer ad.

Candlemaker

I’m going to go begin an apprenticeship at the Safed Candle Factory so that I can truly become a master at my craft.

Honestly man, maybe you should give up the superhero business. It’s beginning to affect your candlemaking work. You’re overworked, overtired and overextending yourself. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.

Cantor

Allow me to dazzle these supervillains with the power of song!

Carnie

Beazye eazi’m leazeaveazing

Carpenter

I have to go star in an all carpenter version of Aladdin with musical numbers that include “Magic Carpent Ride” and “Joist Like Me”

Cartoonist

If I don’t provide my legions of fans four panels of comicy goodness they’ll riot

I Ii II I_

I just heard somebody refer to a cartoonist as somebody who makes animated cartoon and I must go correct them!

Cashier

Hey that masked bad guy just walked out of this store without paying for any of the snacks he wanted for his evil road trip, if I don’t stop him that money is going to come out of my paycheck and since he took three (3) bags of chips that’s the whole thing plus!

Catcher

I’m going to go stand behind the bad guy and call out plays for the superheroes.

I saw that there was a superhero wearing a domino-mask so I’m going to go and lend him my catcher’s mask because even that would do a better job of concealing his identity.

Catfisherman

I was catfishing this guy and it turned out that he wasn’t a regular guy but really he was a supervillain trying to catfish me and also he’s robbing a bank now so I’m going to go beat him up.

Cellist

I have to go hit the gym to build the muscle mass I need to actually lift my instrument of choice.

Remember FAO Schwarz? The toy store? With the giant piano on the floor? Yeah so I’ve been thinking a lot about that piano and… Do you think my cello would be like an in-scale violin with that piano? And I know they closed down a few years ago but that piano has to be somewhere right? Yeah so I’m going to go on an epic quest to go find it so I can see what my cello looks like next to it. (And then instead you go smack around a vampire or whatever with your cello, like a hero.)

CEO

I’m off to fly my golden helicopter to the golf course on the island that I own, nobody call me.

Honestly, CEOs mostly fight crime at night when they aren’t expected to be anywhere else so they don’t really need any excuses.

CFO

Just get fired for embezzling, then you can do whatever you want with your time.

Chairman

Just got a whole new shipment of chairs in. They’re gonna need some quality sitting in I mustn’t be disturbed for several hours. (I don’t know what chairmen do.)

Chauffeur

I have to go contemplate why “chauffer” is pronounced with an “sh” sound, if you need me I’ll be in my chateau.

I have to go sit in a car while my employer enjoys a very long, very lavish meal in a fancy restaurant. But don’t worry about me, I’ve got a bag of chips.

Cheerleader

I’m going to go spur on my favorite superheroes with the power of cheer!

Chef

I have to go contemplate why- oh, we did this one already.

Man I bet those superheroes are going to be super hungry after they fight off that inter-dimensional octoman. I’d better whip them up something that will take me a very long time to cook.

Chemist

I’m bored of this singles mixer so I’m going to go back to my lab and have a mixer of my own. (That’s when a chemist goes and mixes random chemicals together to see what’ll happen. Fun fact: several superhero origins involve this kind of mixer.)

Chess Master

If you were any good at your job you’d have set things into motion months ago to ensure that you could leave all your gatherings to fight crime. You don’t need our help.

Clarinetist

I’ve gotta go kick a sea-sponge’s ass.

Cleaner

Boy those super-folk are making quite the mess if I get down there now maybe someone’ll pay me to clean it.

Clerk

No no no, those super-people are engaging in fisticuffs in a public square without having first filled out forms 42G with the supplementary forms 2AB and 32H to account for the missile-launching mecha and the time-displaced stegosaurus.

Clockmaker

Time for justice (again you’re allowed to reveal that you’re a superhero if you can get a good pun out of it!)

Coach

This ragtag group of superheroes needs someone to whip them into shape! (Bonus points if you then actually act as a superhero mentor to that ragtag group of heroes.)

If you’re at an event with any referees you can just go yell at one of them until you get ejected, then you’re free to do whatever you want for the rest of the night.

Coal Miner

Well, I’m off to go deliver one tenth of all the coal I’ve mined this year to Santa so that he can then redistribute them to naughty children, as all coal miners do every year.

Codebreaker

All you need to is leave a coded message wherever you were supposed to be and by the time your non-codebreaker friends and family members manage to break it you’ll probably already be back (or have died saving the world from Fieron the Sentient Forest Fire).

Colorist (Comic Books)

Did you know that old-timey comic books were printed in black and white? This is an absolute travesty and I am going to single handedly go back and color every single one of them. This will require me to be unavailable for several long extended periods of time.

Colorist (Hair)

I just had this great idea to dye my hair a whole bunch of different colors. This way my own head can act as my resume and people can see how skilled I am at coloring hair. This will probably take a while, nobody need me.

Composer

Ah I wrote some music that would literally be perfect for this battle, I’ve gotta get down there and play it for them.

Comptroller

Just assign one of the many accountants that work under you the responsibility of accounting for your absence.

Computer Scientist

Just hack into whatever database or security system you need to make people think you never even left.  

Construction Worker

Not one of those superheroes are wearing a yellow hardhat and that’s just an accident waiting to happen. I must go down there and hand some out.

I need to go catcall some people.

Conductor

This super-battle is filled with senseless chaos, clearly they need someone like me to step in and bring order to it.

Cook

Do we even need to do this? We have chef listed above. (You insolent buffoon there is a world of difference between a cook and a chef!)

Man I bet those superheroes are going to be super hungry after they fight off that inter-dimensional octoman. I’d better whip them up something that will take me a very long time to cook. Longer than it would take a chef to cook as I have less experience and education in culinary matters.

Copyrighter

I have to go protect some patents (and the city!)

Copywriter

I have to go write some copy (and the city!)

Councilman

Just stand up in the middle of a council meeting and shout “this meeting is adjourned!” ten bucks says nobody fights you on that. [If we are wrong we will not send you ten bucks, or any bucks for that matter.]

Count

Has there ever been a superheroic count? I don’t think so. All the ones I know of are supervillains or blood-sucking vampires… or math-loving vampires.

Crane Operator

I have to go make sure there are some unattended cranes near that superhero fight so some scrappy kids can take control of one and knock out or distract the evil monster at a decisive moment in the battle.

Oh my gosh Karen I swear to god if you make one more joke about me operating a marsh-dwelling, long-necked bird, I am going to leave! (And then just wait for Karen to make another joke, trust me, it’ll happen, she just can’t help herself.)

Cross-Country Skier

For today’s cross-country ski I have decided to cross-country ski where no man, woman or child has cross-country skied before. In fact, if my ski-calculations are correct, no species of animal has ever cross-country skied across this country before. Yes, you guessed it, my destination for today’s cross-country ski is Antarctica, this will take me a very long time. Don’t wait up. (Of course we in the super-community know that Antarctica is one of the top-five destinations for Yeti cross-country skiers but the common-folk don’t know that so shhh.)

Cryptozoologist

Somebody finally got a good picture of El Chupacabra! I have to go and interview them! For science! (The jig is up Chupacabra, we’re coming for you!)

Curator

I have to get down to this super-battle and pick out the best pieces of rubble and dismembered robot parts to showcase in this new exhibit on superheroes/cool rocks/robot parts (you get to choose) that I am curating.

Customer Service Representative

Hey I think that superhero was in here buying a grappling hook the other day. I’m going to go see if he’s happy with his purchase. (Obviously he won’t be because grappling hooks are garbage.)

Cymbal Player

I’ve got to get to marching band practice. Without the loud, yet melodic, cacophony that my instrument produces how will my band earn the attention and envy of marching bands everywhere.

Captain Patriot lost his giant star-spangled discus! If I quickly paint my cymbals do you think he’d like to use them instead?