#caffernnn

Just caught up with the “Death and Taxes” episode and it’s wild to hear Buck say that he feels seen/understood by Natalia and implying that he doesn’t feel fully seen anymore by others in his life when the rest of the conversation and so many of his interactions since the lightning strike are evident of the opposite, really. He feels like he has to “perform” because the people that love him are treating him differently, because he HAS changed and they SEE that in him, and he doesn’t know what to do with that frustration other than pretend he’s his old self (a version of himself he took forever to get comfortable enough with and know; a version of himself he started to accept could be cared about and relied upon by other people). It feels like the conversation is not admitting to feeling unseen, but trying to put words to the frustration of being seen and watching the world react differently to him when he’s “the guy with the answers” that doesn’t yet have a clue what this new version of him looks like (how much of him is still the same… how much has already changed or will continue changing?). It’s admitting to a fear of being reborn and reintroduced to people before he has all the answers, and not being able to have a reliable litmus to tell if people are seeing him for who he is now, or seeing right through him to something that isn’t there.

And as much as the words might sting to watch come out in front of Eddie, the conversation (to me) feels like an unspoken acknowledgement on Buck’s part that he DOES feel seen by him specifically. He can vent about feeling like he has to perform, not being sure if he’s totally okay, opening up over and over again (the couch and kitchen and blooming flowers at a gravesite of it all) because if he’s felt sure about anything, it’s been the stability of the safety-net he’s built around Eddie and Chris. There isn’t an obligation to prove that he’s capable or useful or fine around them (like he first felt with how Maddie was checking in, like how he felt after Bobby’s lenient review of his work performance) and I don’t know if/when Buck will ever acknowledge those feelings (maybe he’ll find the words after exploring ~what have you~ with Natalia) but !!! The building blocks are all there !!! And I think Eddie at least is privy to SOME of the mess in Buck’s head, and the underlying feelings/trust going on between them. No full realizations or willingness to state any of those loyalties aloud yet, but it’s coming, y’all convinced me 🏃🏻‍♀️

you are always so goddamn good at articulating your thoughts, and they are always so freaking insightful. i am just jealous at how you do it.

YAYY!!! my boys<3<3<3

rin:

1: sexuality headcanon gay gay homosexual gay gay. also, i learned about what transgender was due to some trans rin headcanons/fanfics/meta i read during the height of the fandom, so trans man rin is also something that's been in the back of my mind 2: otp sourin >>>>> permanently changed my brain chemistry and ideal of relationship; rinrei is so much funnn i swear; and ofc sano trio as a whole!! 3: brotp rin & haru--while i don't think of them romantically, their relationship is the cornerstone of the whole story and i love how they're always pushing each other to go further rin & nagisa--such an underrated relationship but in the original book rin teaches nagisa to swim and nagisa from then on really looked up to rin as an older mentor. i love them because they're so unexpected as a friendship, but they really have a deep bond that i wish was more present in the show (besides a few "rin-rin!") rin & makoto--SUCH an important relationship for both of them!!!!! they're the real complements of each other, i think, rin is fiery and passionate and sharp and makoto is grounded and doting and UGHHHH 4: notp when i was younger i'd say rin x haru, less due to the actual relationship and more due to the way SOME fans treated me at the tender age of like 13.... i don't dislike them enough to say they're my notp, but i guess yeah, they're my notp 5: first headcanon that pops into my head he's a thirty seconds to mars stan (bc of that one shirt he wore that looked like the 30stm triangle...) fuck jared leto and everything but i think rin learned english partially through music. he's also a swiftie 6: favorite line from this character oh god.... "PERFECT BODY" 7: one way in which I relate to this character every way he's my blorbo whom i project onto ever since i was in middle school . um. who said that i think i really connected to both his emotional crybaby ways (i cry at conflict), his hopeless romantic nature, and his insecurities, feeling like you're meant to do something but you hit a wall and just.,. can't. 8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character his fashion.......i'm sorry but........ i cannot defend you ....... 9. cinnamon roll or problematic fave? LOL depends on who you ask! he's a cinnamon roll who looks like he can kill you

sousuke:

1: sexuality headcanon: also gay but at the same time, i don't think he really cares much for romance outside of his immediate partner, you know? so i guess somewhere on the demi spectrum 2: otp sourin, again, and soukisu, and basically the whole sano trio. oooh special mentions to soumako and souharu, for no real canon reason aside from them having some really good fan artists and writers 3: brotp sousuke & nitori & momo; he's a good mentor to them, and they have so much respect for him (while knowing how to have fun). sousuke & gou--after rin left for australia, i imagine him and gou spending more time together. bonding over rin lol there was that scene where he gave her his jacket during the water gun fight that always gets me 4: notp hmm. don't really have one? maybe sousuke x gou? i really can't think of him viewing her as anything other than his sister 5: first headcanon that pops into my head that he likes opera, and this is ENTIRELY due to an old fic @testosterogna wrote that i read back in my youth and i SOMEHOW actually forgot i read it in a fic and thought it was canon. 6: favorite line from this character "because i knew you would cry" (ಥ﹏ಥ) 7: one way in which I relate to this character we're both stoic and monotone and come across as aloof/cold. he probably has a touch of the 'tism like haruka does. oh and i'm terrible at directions kajsdhaskljdh 8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character when he found haru and backed him into the wall like "don't u DARE hurt my man again >:(" and haru was like :| you dUMBASS WHY DID YOU HIDE YOUR STUPID INJURY ??? DO NOT DESTROY YOUR CAREER FOR LOVE!!!! IDIOT (ಥ﹏ಥ) 9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave? looks like he could kill you, doesn't care enough to try

kisumi

1: sexuality headcanon this is one i'm actually 10000% assured of, unlike the other two above where i was just like 'yeah probably' this is something i actually dedicated a LOT of time to thinking about and even starting a fic years ago: he's asexual. i don't remember WHAT i read all those years ago, but i found some asexual kismui hcs and it just clicked. i can't imagine him any other way. i think he's also demi or grayromantic; his 'relationships' are closer to QPR than, i suppose, traditional 'romance.' he's sex-favorable to neutral, but it's not something he really craves and he doesn't feel sexual attraction. he's still a massive flirt and a gossip and loves to know about/mess with his friends' love lives 2: otp sano trio!!! asakisu too, and hiyokisu could be fun. 3: brotp kisumi & makoto. "JOIN THE BASKETBALL CLUB!!!!!!" 4: notp kisumi x most people 5: first headcanon that pops into my head well, the first one is that he's ace, the second is that he's a plant lover, which is less headcanon than it is me extrapolating from some official art 6: favorite line from this character probably everything he says to haru. OHH and when he casually is like "oooh sousuke didn't tell you about his super plot-relevant secret? oooh too bad. anyway i'm out!" 7: one way in which I relate to this character me having ace kisumi was 100% me projecting when i was younger and ID as asexual, but i relate to the love/protectiveness he feels over his younger brother 8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character the way he tried to get everyone to join his basketball team </3 baby you're in the wrong anime you missed the casting calls for kuroko i'm sorry 9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave? sinnamon roll :3

🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️

Ahhhhh

Makes it so much worse when he leaves bc he can't even just neatly put away Haru's things to get them out of sight so it hurts less bc Haru's in all of HIS things and now his sleep shirt still smells like Haru and his books have bookmarks left in them from how far Haru had gotten through them, and his spice jars are rearranged different bc Haru sorted them to make more sense, and even the shower gel he's used all his life triggers him now bc Haru used to share it and now he can't not associate that smell with him without the pain and loneliness and loss overwhelming him?

not much, just something that is personally important to me.

That poor boy is a gonerrr

OOOOOOOOOOH OKAY YES

first verse seem so innocent like when they're kids and they just love each other without hesitation without expectation, just two best friends who mean the world to each other and know they're gonna be together forever bc they just love each other's essence. like when you're little and the way your best friend writes their "A" is so endearing to you like it's so them and it's perfect, or the way they sneeze always makes u laugh. it's how Makoto knows to introduce both of them at the swim club, it's how Haru knows Makoto chose the new fishing spot bc he saw it on tv last night. It's being so integral to each other's lives that life is only good when the other is there.

second part is more like. waking up every day and choosing each other, and knowing they're gonna be loved despite(? not the word i mean) their flaws, bc they have the luxury of making mistakes and being sad without the fear of feeling like a burden or being abandoned? knowing that they can be themselves completely and wholly without the fear of judgement, knowing the other knows and accepts you to such a degree that the mask you wear falls off as soon as you're together??

Oh my god you're so right!!

I love how they're like not the same but v much intentionally matching.

Something about Haru in canon being faced with the whole notion of “you will have to sacrifice something to reach the top” and Haru in the mook only truly getting hurt because he chose to sacrifice everything… thanks I hate it