#cafe korb

Susanne Widl - actress & muse, owner of Cafe Korb in Vienna

Let me start this blog entry by saying I'm very grateful to have lead such a big life. Let me also say to those who know me well, that you do not know me well. In fact, should all of you get together at a small cocktail party after I die and share stories, you would come up with about 25% of what actually happened.  It has been a ride, but it has been very private and my own. To hear anything, you have to listen very carefully and you have to stop talking. Good luck with that.

What I realize now, since last night in fact, is that I have a character flaw which simply doesn't jive with being handed a big life, at least not for those who would like to hear my stories. In truth, I'm a floater. Determined to go for the gusto, I'm ready to float to the next event in an instant rather like a diaphanous ghost when it's over. I'm there. You know me by sight. But when you look you can't quite find me. If the spotlight should hit me it's because I'm not in charge of the switch, but you can be sure I'll find a way to turn it off. My life the way it is, well that's more than enough for me.

Then there are those people who come into this world and are not handed a big life but make one for themselves. Now these are the ones who interest me. As Jack Kerouac said, " ...they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

It's a very delicate job, shambling behind dingledodies, because they are so extreme. They reinvent themselves constantly and although they are so terribly brave, they view the world from a fragile place. They are subject to extreme highs but extreme lows as well. I don't run into them very often anymore, and I miss them. I live in a quiet place, this Austria.

I was lucky last night to photograph one such brave soul. She has stories to tell, and I am quite determined to have her tell them. Perhaps I feel so singularly obstinate about this project because she is so passionate about her life, and don't get me wrong, I am passionate about mine as well, quiet as I keep it. It feels good to observe someone who is on fire and has kept it big - as big as they can possibly make it - a fabulous yellow roman candle. She is not Meryl or Barbra or Cate. I know them. We all know them. We don't know Susanne; she's the surprise package. But in listening to her stories, maybe we can discover what is big in ourselves - our own stories that we've kept alive and burning in our own, quiet way.