#bymrym

“

though the hands of the devil are tied, the lingering whispers float in circles in our head, as we bare bones and flesh, and reveal ourselves, truthfully.

and even so, you truly have to accept and witness the alter or ‘true self’, whether that be yours, your family, your friends.

but sometimes,

it isn’t kind. it isn’t wholesome, as you may expect.

sometimes,

it’s surprising. or, it’s hurtful. or, it’s selfish.

and so,  my wishes for this month are to be ever patient, to not huff, to not break,

but to be calm, tawakkal (believe and leave the faith in God), to ask what is right for me,

and how to soften one’s heart, to be encouraging and loving,

rather than be condescending, shameful,  or disappointed.

my wish is to be better, to be loved, to find myself, to BE myself.

but my first wish is, i wish you had asked, my ambitions, my dreams, my thoughts.

that is my wish. 

“

three months ago, leaves were still falling. now, we welcome the cool morning breeze.

three months ago, December seemed to be so far away.  now, we approach the sixth day of December in less than 1 and a half hours. three months ago, some of us embarked on the last journey for a piece of paper. now, we await for the results.

it took a lot of courage from within to release myself from the ties. it took a lot of strength to push further and self-motivate.  it took a part of me.

but all in all, i am just thankful that i’m still breathing,  i’m still standing on my own two feet, overcoming three months of hell and back.

do i have any regrets?  sure, i do.

should i still be overthinking about it? nope, i don’t think so.

i’m still trying to grasp the idea that i’m going to jumping into the deep end very soon.

but before i do, before we all go along for the remainder of 2020, i want whoever reads this to give yourself a pat on the back for surviving this year.

continue to be kind to yourself. continue to be kind to others. continue to take your time.

growth from within doesn’t happen overnight. it’s a whole-ass journey, accepting all your successes and faults, jumps and obstacles.

i know that this may be the most cliche thing ever to write up. but it’s a nice reminder too.. right?

yes. believe it is. 

make the most out of the rest of this year that we have left. 

i ask for forgiveness from anyone that i’ve wronged or faulted.  i ask for forgiveness from anyone if i have caused you hurt.

2021, please be “kinder”, though i suspect you will be full of surprises. 

and now, we rest.

“

if there’s one thing i would tell my younger self, it is to brave through everything with a smile and a gesture.

the world is cruel; only because the leaders in this world are. people are cruel; only because society is greedy for capitalism.

i’m sorry that you have to walk onto every path with hurt, sorrow, scars and bruises.

the many times that you lie in bed late at night, and let the tears stream down the sides of your cheeks, were the only times of self-comfort.

you will be quarter of a century in three months.

yes, age is just a number.

but the number of times that people press on the wound, peel the healing scar, pour the acid on the skin, hurts more than knowing that i had so many chances to slip away.

if only.

“

to dismiss, to disregard, to deflect, those are not ways to love someone,

with your words of so-called ‘wisdom’, or experiences, stories and memories. 

if you listened, really listened,  glanced at her face, perhaps that would trigger a response,

that perhaps, you should halt, hang your words out to dry, before you add more salt to the wound.

if that is your love language, then she does not want it.

if that is your way of loving, she does not want to embrace it.

let her breathe,  let her in,  let her go.

let her be.

”

warmth. kindness. calmness.

these embody you.

there is so much to you left to discover. but, when will you ever open the doors for others to reach in?

your soft confidence speaks such volume that you don’t even realise it. but, the hums and sighs bleed out that invisible pressure on your shoulders.

in all those years, have you ever given yourself your own time? in all those years, have you rewarded yourself for that warmth, kindness and calmness that you possess?

inevitably, everyone has another face that they do not show.  the grey skies that hang over your head are hidden behind your constant positivity and strive. that’s okay. 

but, please, dear sahabat,  give yourself the chance to breathe, to enjoy life again instead of slaving away tapping keys.

i believe, you deserve more.

It’s currently 10:30pm, August 31, 2020.

And in another one and half hours, it will be September. 

Just three to four months ago, I was sat in my room pondering, ‘when will August come? When will I end my semester? When will I graduate?’. And before we know it, September is here and I’m finally nearing the end of my university life. 

I was always asked, ‘what are your plans after graduation?’, ‘when will you start working?’ and of course the obvious question of ‘when will you get married?’. 

Right now, I am at this point in life where I will accept whatever comes my way. I’ve come to really realize and accept that as much as you try to plan, God knows best and better. He has laid it out for us. 

What does January hold for us? What does it hold for me? But, let’s not go too far again and let’s welcome September and the coming months left of 2020. 

Next week, I’ll be entering my final trimester of 2020 and of my undergrad, and all I feel is fear, uncertainty but excitement. 

And so, I decided to start writing again. A few of my friends convinced me to find my writing flow and create again. The problem is, I’m so fickle-minded and get bored easily with one task, that I find myself doing three to four tasks at a time (which unexpectedly has helped me advance through my undergrad better than I thought). 

I think my fuel to writing again was when I won the creative writing competition at uni earlier this year. That’s a funny story I shall I keep for another entry. But, the best part is, I didn’t expect anything. It was more of sharing a part of myself with a group of (half) strangers and faculty that I had encountered probably twice or thrice on campus. It was a really vulnerable part of me that I never shared with anyone else in detail. To be frank, I did it for fun and learned a new part of me.

I’m glad that my friend KDR actually pushed me to do it. I think it made me realize I do kind of have the flair for writing? Maybe, maybe not. 

And so, hello September and the forthcoming months of 2020. Treat me and the rest of the world well (please). Here’s to a restart to my writing.