#buzzfeedunsolved

Ryan: This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we’re covering the Battle of New York, an event that destroyed half of Manhattan in a single afternoon and opened the world’s eyes to the existence of extraterrestrial life. Bet you feel pretty fuckin’ stupid now, huh Shane?

Shane: Now, look here, I am pretty fuckin’ stupid, but I have never said that I don’t believe in aliens.

Ryan: You say it literally every time we do an episode on aliens.

Shane: No, I’ve said that I don’t believe aliens have ever interacted with humans before.

Ryan: All I’m hearing are excuses.

Shane: Who’s pretty fuckin’ stupid now?

Ryan: Still you.

Shane: Damn, when you’re right you’re right.

Ryan: Can I get into the case now?

Shane: Go ahead, open your file with a single piece of paper in it and tell us all about it.

Ryan: Let’s get into it.

On May 1st, 2012, in a secret, underground facility in the middle of the Mojave, experiments were being performed on an object called “the Tesseract.” The scientists performing the experiment were employed by the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division, otherwise known as “S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Shane: Wait a second, say that name again?

Ryan: S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Shane: No no no, the acronym.

Ryan: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

Shane: (wheeze) That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.

Ryan: Yeah, it does seem like they’re trying too hard.

Shane: Someone really wanted their organization to spell out “SHIELD.” What a bunch of nerds.

Ryan: The Tesseract had been used during World War II by Nazi scientists Johann Schmidt and Arnim Zola to create energy weapons that were capable of completely pulverizing its targets. It was briefly lost when Captain Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, hijacked a German bomber called the Valkyrie that was on course to destroy multiple major cities across the United States. He was unable to change course, so instead he attempted to fly the Valkyrie into the ocean and ended up landing in an ice field in Greenland. The Tesseract was found by Howard Stark not long after, although Captain Rogers and the Valkyrie were not found until about 70 years later.

The Tesseract changed owners several times, but by 2012 it was in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s possession during Project P.E.G.A.S.U.S., which was an acronym for “Potential Energy Group - Alternate Sources - United States.”

Shane: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.

Ryan: (wheeze)

Shane: Fuckin’ tryhards. 

Ryan: On May 1, 2012, there was an incident involving the Tesseract. The facility was breached by Loki Laufeyson, an alien born on Uranus and raised on Saturn. Thanks to Natasha Romanoff leaking all of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s data in 2014, all security footage from that night is available to the public. While they were experimenting on the Tesseract, it opened a portal through which Loki was able to come to Earth. He attacked and killed several agents using a staff that looked to be powered by something similar to the Tesseract. He used the same staff to subdue several agents and scientists through mind control. He even used it on Clint Barton, also known as Hawkeye: an actual Avenger!

Shane: Now hold up, mind control? On an Avenger? No way.

Ryan: I’m just telling you the facts.

Shane: There is no way an Avenger just let him waltz up and take control of his mind!

Ryan: Well actually, Loki is so powerful that he shows up in Norse mythology as a god, so really an Avenger got mind controlled by a god.

Shane: But we know he’s not a god now, he’s just an alien.

Ryan: The footage doesn’t lie!

Shane: This is bullshit.

Ryan: One of the side effects of this kind of mind control is that it turns the victim’s eyes bright blue, and according to footage we have from this event and images of Loki later on, his eyes are significantly bluer during the battle and the events leading up to it, so-

Shane: Ohhhhh, so he could have been mind-controlled, too!

Ryan: Yeah, exactly.

Shane: That tickles me very much!

Ryan: Ew, I… I didn’t like that.

Shane: That is very tickling indeed!

Ryan: This is a weird turn of phrase, even for you.

Shane: I will say, it makes the whole “mind controlling an Avenger” thing way more believable.

Ryan: Loki successfully stole the Tesseract, and the entire facility collapsed on itself, apparently due to the sheer power of the portal they had opened. Footage shows Loki using his staff to shoot oncoming S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and completely pulverizing them. He even shot down a helicopter!

S.H.I.E.L.D. used this as an opportunity to reactivate the Avengers Initiative, a project focused on bringing together people of special abilities to protect the Earth. The Avengers at the time were made up of Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, Captain America, Bruce Banner, also known as the Hulk, Thor, another alien from Saturn who is seen in Norse mythology as the “god of thunder,” Agent Natasha Romanoff, also known as the Black Widow, and Hawkeye.

Shane: I thought Hawkeye got mind controlled?

Ryan: Well they got him back before the battle.

Shane: Do we know how?

Ryan: According to Agent Romanoff, she hit him really hard in the head and he was fine.

Shane: (wheeze) Is that really what she said?

Ryan: Yeah, they were fighting on one of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s helicarriers and she slammed his head against a railing and then knocked him out for good measure.

Shane: What a badass!

Ryan: Oh yeah, the Black Widow is definitely one of the most underrated heroes in history.

Loki spent a brief time in captivity on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s helicarrier, but was rescued by some of his mind-controlled goons who launched a fairly severe attack on the aircraft. Thor and the Hulk fell off the carrier, and several S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were killed, including a high-ranking agent named Phil Coulson.

On May 4th, famous astrophysicist Erik Selvig (who was also under mind control) was caught building a portal using the Tesseract on top of Stark Tower in downtown Manhattan. After some failed negotiation between Tony Stark and Loki inside the tower, the portal was opened and an alien army known as the Chitauri was released on New York. The Chitauri are a sentient species of cybernetically enhanced beings that operate under a hive mind intelligence. They use another species called Leviathans for troop transport and combat, which are extremely augmented using armor, anti-gravity devices, and even laser cannons. 

The battle itself lasted two to three hours. Most of Manhattan was destroyed, and the World Security Council actually authorized the release of a nuclear missile to try and end the battle. As the missile headed for New York, Tony Stark intercepted it and redirected it into the portal. The missile hit the Chitauri Command Center, destroying the hive mind and deactivating every single soldier left fighting. Stark’s suit lost power as he let the nuke go, and he fell back to Earth through the portal just as Agent Romanoff closed the portal using Loki’s staff. As he was falling, reports say that he was caught in mid-air by the Hulk and brought safely back to ground level.

Shane: How the hell is New York still standing after that?

Ryan: Well, S.H.I.E.L.D. had a subsidiary team called “Damage Control,” and after the battle it was transferred to the federal government and is now the U.S. Department of Damage Control.

Shane: What, they couldn’t come up with a fun acronym for that?

Ryan: I guess not, whoever was coming up with cool names was off that day.

Shane: Damn, right when they needed him the most.

Ryan: Honestly, that’s the real tragedy of this whole story.

Shane: So is that the whole case?

Ryan: That’s pretty much it.

Shane: I remember where I was when I saw this on TV, actually.

Ryan: Oh yeah?

Shane: Yeah, I was watching TV at home and flippin’ through the channels and when I flipped on the news I thought I was watching a shitty alien movie.

Ryan: (wheeze) You didn’t realize this was a real thing that happened?

Shane: No, not until I saw it on Twitter like an hour after it happened.

Ryan: Oh my God, dude! You really are fuckin’ stupid.

Shane: I never said I wasn’t.

Ryan: Even though we now know the facts of the Battle of New York, a lot of questions remain unanswered. If Loki was being controlled, who was controlling him?  Where are he and Thor now? Does this open the door for future alien attacks, or alien alliances? What else is out there? As of this episode being filmed in April of 2015, we’re still waiting to see what the Avengers do next, but until then, all of these questions remain… UNSOLVED.

So who’s your favorite Avenger, Shane?

Shane: Hmm, that’s a toughie.

Ryan: Mine is Captain America, no contest.

Shane: Oh yeah?

Ryan: Hell yeah, dude. Killing Nazis and fighting aliens and surviving 70 years in ice? That’s badass.

Shane: So… no cap?

Ryan: *disappointed silence*

Shane: Get it, because- 

Ryan: No I got the joke.

Shane: Well, you’re not laughing, so I thought-

Ryan: Well it wasn’t funny.

Shane: Goodness, Ryan, you don’t have to hurt my feelings like that.

Ryan: I love hurting your feelings, actually.

Shane: Hm. This is awkward, then.

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