#buzzcut man

Ana grabs two towels as she steps out of the shower. Why? To put one around her head "Carmen Miranda style", of course!

Pictured: Carmen Miranda

Pictured: CLEARLY NOT CARMEN MIRANDA

Ana checks out the "bag of jeans" she grabbed as she ran out of the room earlier, only to find it is not a bag of jeans at all! It is a bag of jeans, new Converse, a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear. Ana says "Oh my" and looks at the underwear some more.

A clean bra and panties-- actually to describe them in such a mundane, utilitarian way does not do them justice. They are an exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery. Wow. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear. What's more, they fit perfectly. But of course they do.

Fact: This paragraph is way better if you read it in an incredibly flat and sarcastic tone.

Other facts?: How weird is it that she says the lingerie is a design of lingerie? Like it literally IS lingerie unless there is a picture of lingerie on the lingerie I don't really understand this phrasing or how she recognized the lingerie as European in the first place? I also don't understand why this paragraph needed to be so wordy I mean MAN like the whole "of course they do" is kind of ridiculous like why of course??? My first guess was that this was meant to imply that Christian Grey knows her lingerie size because he's a great judge of the booty or something but then we are reminded that it was Taylor ("the Buzz-Cut man") who brought these clothes up for her and all I can say to that is OH MY.

Also pause here because I need to note that James previously wrote "Buzz Cut" and now is writing "Buzz-Cut" and YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING ABOUT JAMES RANDOMLY BEING HIGH ON DASHES BUT I WASN'T (also if anyone is wondering Mr. Buzz Cut is my favorite by virtue of my imagining him as literally just a suit filled with buzz cuts)

Ana flushes "to think of the Buzz-Cut man in some lingerie store buying this for [her. She wonders] what else is in his job description." I have to give James props for this sentence because it is kind of HILARIOUS like I really wonder too??? Seriously what the heck does Taylor do literally all we know about him is that he stands in corners creepily and has a great eye for lingerie Taylor tell me more about your life PLEASE I HAVE TO KNOW

Also he doesn't just have a great eye for lingerie he has a great eye for EVERYTHING because literally everything in the bag of jeans that is not actually a bag of jeans fits Ana perfectly! Alas that is all we hear of the mysterious Mr. Taylor Buzz-Cut for now because Ana decides to towel-dry her hair (and ruin that Miranda wrap??? gasp) and bring her hair under control but since her hair is kind of anthropomorphic much like her subconscious it "refuses to cooperate" and so she decides to "restrain it with a hair tie" (sexy foreshadowing?? I think SO!). Of course, this entire paragraph was pointless because she doesn't even have a hair tie on her ("I shall search in my purse, when I find it"-- presumably she means when she finds the purse and not when she finds the hair tie but this was bad writing so it's kind of unclear) and has to just leave the bathroom without it.

Ana takes a deep breath and decides that it is "Time to face Mr. Confusing", which is a name that is statistically proven to be 10000 times less cool than Mr. Buzz-Cut, and a sentence that is not even relevant because the bedroom is fucking EMPTY when she walks into it. Ana takes another deep breath (...good job, Ana? BREATHING YAY) and searches for her purse which is not there. She goes into the "living area" (are the other areas like, not for living?) and it's really big and we are suddenly launched into a CRAZY LONG description of it and a really terrible transition to fucking Kate:

There's an opulent, plush seating area, all overstuffed couches and soft cushions, an elaborate coffee table with a large stack of glossy books, a study area with a top-of-the-range Mac, an enormous plasma screen TV on the wall, and Christian is sitting at a dining table on the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It's the size of a tennis court or something, not that I play tennis, though I have watched Kate a few times. Kate!

Wow. Is it really the size of a tennis court??? I doubt it. And did we really need to know that Ana doesn't play tennis? I REALLY DOUBT IT. In fact, I doubt it so much that I will give some random person a dollar if it turns out to ever be used in this trilogy ever again. Followers, keep note. THERE IS A FULL DOLLAR AT STAKE.

In other news I am 500% happy that fucking Kate is back finally! Especially because I am wondering what the fuck fucking Kate is up to right now because as you may or may not remember as Ana was vomiting her guts up Kate was busy seducing Christian Grey's brother! Cool!