#butlerposting

she keeps going down to an off-limits basement behind a key combination (it's quite embarrassing that there is an area of the House unknown to me, but she told me not to look while it was being renovated, and as her Butler I assumed she would reveal it's contents once it was finished), and her clothes often have barely noticeable bloodstains when she leaves, so I know something is going on in there.... but she won't respond to any of my prodding or remarks about her activities?

and like, i would be sooooooo good at helping her with her secret! I would appear out of nowhere whenever any guests got close to the basement, with a raised eyebrow and a gently condescending "are you lost? shall I show you back to your rooms?".

And whenever anyone complained of strange noises I would be able to say; "well you know, it is an old house" with a sinister smile that suggested more, or "well, the Lady of the house does have her.... eccentricities" and then change the subject. But I don't know what to calibrate for if my master won't share her perversions with me.

how can I fix this? what can I do to gain my master's trust in this matter?

In this case, the simplest solution is the best:

I get why people like it when alfred is A Badass or whatever, but I think he's a way more interesting character when he's just some fucking guy. especially if he's some fucking guy who's like "I really don't know about this whole Batman thing Master Bruce but I guess I'll at least do my best to prevent you from getting yourself killed???"

No butler worth their salt would murder their employer for monetary gain alone. As long as you don't run your finances into the ground or besmirch your good family name, this show of respect should only serve to strengthen the bond between the two of you.

This fucking butler. She keeps coming up to me and saying shit like "such a shame about Mr. Taylor's accident, perhaps in the future he will choose work with a little more..... taste" and it's like, that guy got hospitalised man you can't be saying that.

or like, one time after one of the workmen kicked it falling into a concrete truck and asphyxiating (it happened off-site luckily), she came up to me and dropped a comment like "I must to say this facade you've chosen is positively choking" and it's just like, is she trying to be disrespectful? What are we doing here?

She was looking at me with these really wide, bloodshot eyes as well. I can't prove anything but I think she might have been high? It might also explain why I keep finding her walking around the house at night gripping a butcher knife really tightly. She's such a fucking creep.

Anyway since you're apparently the expert on butlers how do I fix this? Like I've got to fire her right, but she's the only one with all the keys (plus her contract is this ancient thing written on fucking papyrus or some shit) so how do I do this with minimal hassle? Can I get her to quit?

Clearly she has a problem with the workmen you hired - I'd advise you to dismiss them at once, even if you have to pay an early termination fee.

With that out of the way, you'll be able to renovate the building with your own two hands; it will be more difficult, but it will also be more satisfying, especially since you can directly exercise your creativity!

Which brings me to the issue at hand: our wine and catering budget is abhorrently low. I did take a peak at her incomes and they're still as high as they ever have been (I would hope that she's using her wealth for something obsessive and eccentric but appears as though she's just sitting on it all) so that isn't the issue. Fortunately it hasn't been a problem so far, as we have only been preparing these two person feasts and wine that she barely touches, but what happens when she decides to throw a banquet? Or god forbid a ball.

How can I broach this topic with her in a way that is as courteous and gentle as possible?

> half of dinner goes uneaten every night

> "why is she keeping the food budget so low?"

You're going to have to meet her halfway on this one, I'm afraid; she's never going to host a banquet if she can't even enjoy a meal for two.