#burgerclaus

Executive Summary: Sometimes executives need to man up and read the whole report.

The People's Summary: Velvet Taco isn’t your traditional burger joint, but expect to enjoy this fresh, smooth take on the culinary staple that is the hamburger.  Thousand island sauce features in each bite, without the harsh repercussions you might associate with the sauce from your McDonald’s days.  We don’t know much about the meat, so this “burger” gets a 7.75/10.

Burger Claus: Every state has an identity that is somewhat grounded in whatever local fast food chain people go nuts over.  In Oklahoma, where I am from, going to Braum’s after Little League is a veritable rite of passage.  Generations of parents have bribed their children with Braum’s Ice Cream in exchange for good behavior or the completion of chores.  In fact, I look forward to bribing my children with Braum’s some day, too.  BECAUSE THEN I WOULD GET TO GO TO BRAUM’S.   Growing up, Grandmother Claus would take my brother and I for ice cream before dinner (Father Claus still doesn’t approve).  In college, I would always kick off Finals Week with a meal from Braum’s.  Today, road trips for OU games are punctuated with lunch-time stops on the way home at the Braum’s in Pauls Valley, OK (doctor’s note: I should probably re-think this tradition).   Just in case you haven’t heard of Braum’s, it’s not your average “fast food” chain - each location is one part “grill,” one part “grocery store,” and one part “ice cream fountain.”  “How,” you ask?  In a nutshell, Braum’s is a modern day triumph of “vertical integration.”  Braum’s nerve center is located in Tuttle, OK, where the adventurous reader will find a 10,000 acre working farm, complete with a private dairy herd, a milk barn, a milk processing plant, a bakery, a warehouse distribution facility, a truck maintenance facility, AND a water treatment plant.   There are about 300 Braum’s managed locations that are within a 300 mile radius of the farm, so you can rest assured that most of the ingredients you’re eating are farm fresh, plus or minus a day or 2.  In fact, in researching Braum’s it appears that just about everything except the burger meat and the french fries are from the  farm, which is both ironic and a little worrisome considering that The Brain and I didn’t go there to buy groceries or ruin our dinners by eating ice-cream with my Grandmother in clear defiance of my Father’s orders.  Let’s begin:

 #3 - 1/3 lb. Bacon Cheeseburger: Braum’s burgers feature “100% pure beef.”  Anytime that’s the key marketing slogan on your online menu, you know you may be in for a bad time.  However, context-adjusted, it’s not all that bad.  I mean, at least it’s not “75% pure beef.”  The sesame bun comes from the Braum’s farm, and is just fine.  The rest of the burger comes with hickory smoked (allegedly) bacon, and the fresh fixings you would otherwise expect to find on a hamburger, which do a decent job of bringing freshness and flavor to the pallet.  All in all, it’s not terrible. It’s cooked on a gas range, and I imagine they turn over quite a few of them a day.  As such, there was some char on the burger, but otherwise no real flavor to the meat.  I wrote in my notes that the pickles “popped,” and that the cheese was “well melted.”  I’m not sure I even know what that means anymore.  There are lots of toppings and it can get messy, too.  Be advised, and plan accordingly.

Crinkle Cut Fries: Finally!  Finally, we have found a culinary institution within the city limits that has the integrity, guile, and gumption to serve CRINKLE CUT fries.  Unfortunately, that institution is a fast food chain.  I don’t know why, but I’ve been obsessed with crinkle cut fries ever since my first burger from the old Nichols Hills Drug store (now defunct).  Champion of the working man that they are, Braum’s at least tries to keep this culinary tradition alive.  I’m not sure why more places don’t serve crinkle cut fries.  I’ve always assumed one of two things: 1) the straight cut fry lobby exercises too much power over restaurant groups, 2) crinkle cut fries, due to their shape, imply a lot of potato waste during cutting.  I have no clue, though, #1 is more likely.  Sadly, these guys come to the store frozen before being reheated.  How do I know this?  There was a frozen fry in my fry container.

Milk Shake: Value is where Price meets Quality.  Upgrading to a small milkshake is $0.50 more (when ordering a combo).  That is the definition of price and quality meeting to create value.  Braum’s should license their shakes to all restaurants.  An incredible straw ratio, a great chocolate flavor (not syrupy at all) - this is the real deal.  Huge win.

The Ambiance: It is a real shame that all of the ball-pits and play pens are getting closed, but it makes total sense when you consider the health implications.

The Service:It’s pretty fast.

The Price: I spent less than $9.  I mean....

The Nine Spice Burger: Usually $5, Brain and I really ripped off the man by visiting on a Wednesday and qualifying for the $4 special.  This burger combines a 9.5 oz patty (cooked medium well per gastropub policy) with your choice of cheese (bleu, swiss, cheddar, american, pepper jack), “others” (bacon, avocado, fried egg, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms), and toppings (what you would expect, plus jalapenos, sweet relish, banana peppers, and black olives) on a toasted challah bun.  It should be noted that each extra costs $1.  I ordered mine with bacon, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and pickles.  I was very pleased with the crispiness of the all-star bacon, the “melted-ness” and flavor of the cheese, and the not-too-thick nature of the bun (which can be a danger on bigger patties like this one).  However, the patty itself was a letdown.  I asked our waitress what the 9 spices were, and she could only list 4: “black pepper, salt, garlic powder, and cajun mix.”  This should tell you everything you need to know - black pepper and salt are ubiquitous, while garlic powder and cajun mix should be mutually exclusive as seasonings and combined to overpower the flavor of the burger, and not in a good way.  The medium well preparation rendered moot any natural flavors that could have existed (and muted the garlic and cajun flavors) with a straight medium preparation.  If you go, consider the Cilantro & Jalapeno Burger (although judging by the name, you may run into the same problem).  There is a veggie burger offered as well, but don’t you dare.

Sweet Potato Fries: The a la carte fry trend continues - these guys clock in on the high side at $4 per order, so consider splitting with the table.  Price aside, these little critters were amazing.  Nice and crispy, and not over-seasoned, they make a man feel alive.

The Service: We sat at the bar for our convenience.  Do the same for yours.  Each interaction with a staff member was great - everyone was really nice and fairly attentive.

The Ambiance: It’s a weird vibe.  It’s modern, but with all the grey stone, black leather, and exposed concrete, it almost skews gothic (especially when you look at their logo).  Standard viewing experience: Edison lights above the bar, Chronicles of Narnia-esque gas lamp on a concrete pillar, wrought iron chandelier, all right next to each other.  In an age where “authentic” interiors are in, this place is a swing and a miss.

The Price: $8.66 pre-tip.  $10.51 when you add in my parking fare (expect to valet or meter).

Grass Fed Burger: The only burger on the menu comes with 3 miniature roasted tomatoes, caramelized onions, Spicer’s greens, and white cheddar: cooked to order (I chose medium).  The burger is served on a toasted ( gluten-free) challah bun.  Frankly, this burger was underwhelming, especially given the higher quality ingredients.  Things started off shaky when they got Brain’s order wrong and mixed up with mine, forgetting the cheese.  Cooked on a gas range, my patty was overcooked (to more of a medium-well) and the burger had too much char on the exterior (crunchy texture, terrible flavor).  I assume the beef was already a leaner, healthier cut than your average Paunch Burger, so there was no need to cook off excess fat (and therefore flavor).  On a positive note, I appreciated the pepper-based seasoning on the patty.  The onions lacked flavor (again, perhaps due to overcooking), and the bun, while toasted on the “patty-side,” was also left to steam too long on the “up-side,” so you run the risk of a burned spot on the top of your bun (Brain’s first order).

Frites: For $4, these were pretty bad.  Cooked in too much canola oil, you can expect to wipe your fingers often and to see some residue on your plate.   The ketchup is flecked with rosemary and is prepared in house - a redeeming touch.  

The Ambiance: Let me lead with this: they have white napkins, which is pretty annoying if you wear dark colored trousers for work.  (I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re in workout gear).  As far as the decor goes, there are 2 bars to sit at (one overlooks the bar, the other the gas range), tables, booths, and outdoor seating.  The stripped down interior reflected the modern aesthetic of the paleo  trend (exposed drywall, a restaurant length mirror on the back wall, and exposed metal support beams near the ceiling).  It’s a nice place to eat a meal.

The Service: The service was nice and informative, and we were seated without delay.  There was a longer wait for the food service than I expected, which doubled my frustration with the overcooked nature of the burger.

The Price: $12.99 pre-tip.

The Loretta Burger: I don’t know much about the woman who inspired this burger’s name, but I can guess she’s beautiful, smart, and covered in onion-bacon jam.  This burger features 100% Texas Wagyu beef (as do all their burgers), Shaft bleu cheese, and, YES!, onion-bacon jam.  Cooked medium, this is a profoundly delicious and multi-faceted burger, despite its minimalist presentation on brown wax paper and a metal tray (also, no lettuce, tomatoes, etc., although you can request them for extra).  The medium preparation of the beef renders a tender patty that retains plenty of flavor.  The onion-bacon jam couldn’t have been a better spread for this burger - in the course of a bite you experience the smooth, dark, complex flavors of “melted” onion (I mean, it’s in jam form, so I assume they melted it) and the crunchiness of bacon crumbles.  The bleu cheese does what it does best - provide an aged yet sharp counter-balancing flavor, and don’t forget the fluffy bun that is lightly toasted.  Let’s review the adjectives I just used to describe this burger’s components: tender, smooth, dark, complex, melted, crunchy, aged, sharp, fluffy, toasted.  Let’s just say Loretta must be a special gal.

Lakewood Temptress: While I’m not even going to pretend to review this beer, I do find it unique (and a genius upsell) that each burger is paired with a recommended beer.  Maybe the name of this beer is another clue to unlocking more of who this Loretta lady is.

Waffle Fries: Finally, a place that lets you 50/50 mix your sweet potato and regular waffle fries.  Short of perhaps some salt, I don’t recall the fries being seasoned.  Nevertheless, they are awesome - a good blend of crispy and fluffy.

The Service: Strong to very strong.  Goodfriend brands itself as a neighborhood bar, and in many ways you will feel right at home talking to the wait staff and bartenders.  They are knowledgeable about the menu and even brought our group an extra order of waffle fries - FO’ FREE (no youtube link for that 2007 reference, sorry).

The Ambiance: I’d like to think of this place as my cozy local neighborhood hipster cove.  And I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, I mean that in a “this place is my secret burger hideout that no one else knows about” kind of way.  To put it a different way - my friend “Lake Highlands Is The Best Highlands” has been hazing me about coming here since we started the blog.  Goodfriend’s centerpiece is a horseshoe shaped bar in the middle of the restaurant; the restaurant also features a beer garden (with the beer selection to match), great music, darts, local art, some washed out furniture to go along with wood tables and a stage area, and some garage doors that connect the lounge area to comfortable weather.  In a nutshell, you’re gonna like the way this place looks, I guarantee it.

The Price: For 2 beers, a burger, and some fries I came out with a $23.45 tab.  Expensive?  Yes.  Worth it?  Without question. 

Eating at Goodfriend was an exceptional use of my time and money.  You should probably plan to make it out for dinner, since you’ll want to spend more time than the usual weekday luncheon will allow.  We went on a Monday and had no problem getting a table (we sat in the lounge), but you should plan your trip accordingly, as it can get packed, fast.  Final Rating:

Maximus: [after swiftly dispatching another gladiator] Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

Crowd: Spaniard!, Spaniard!, Spaniard!...

Commodus: Rise. Rise.

[Maximus stands up, clenching an arrow head in his right hand]

Commodus: Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young man, he insists you are Hector reborn. Or was it Hercules? Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name.

Maximus: My name is Gladiator.

[turns away from Commodus]

Commodus: How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name.

Maximus: [removes helmet and turns around to face Commodus] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

[Commodus trembles in disbelief]

Quintus: Arms!

Thai Peanut Burger: You read that correctly.  Spoiler alert, this burger is amazing.  The “grind” is a chuck and brisket blend that is ground fresh every morning.  The patty is covered with creamy peanut butter, roasted peanuts (they could have just used crunchy peanut butter), cilantro lime coconut flakes (whatever that is), and Sambal mayo.  Don’t forget about the fluffy yet toasted homemade buns, baked fresh every hour.  As you bite into the burger, the creamy peanut butter, cilantro lime flakes, and the bun combine for a sweet taste.  Almost like honey.  As you chew, the spicy mayo comes out and gives your mouth a little nudge.  The cashews are there for texture and crunch.  I could rave about this well balanced and flavorful burger for pages, but I’ll stop myself.  

The Fries: Shoestring.  Could have been longer, and could have been warmer.  To be fair, I ate them after the burger.  My rule here is when the burger is amazing the only job of the fries is to not detract from the greatness of the burger.  Job complete.

Ambiance: If you’ve been there or been reading, you get the picture: Hopdoddy’s Clone.  I think I’ve figured out what this is all about.  Some a&m grad got angry that his favorite burger joint (Hopdoddy) originated in Austin, so he decided to start his own.  Imagine the look on his face when he found out Hopdoddy’s is from Austin.  Also, the beer selection is strong, the menu is robust outside of burgers, and there is a bar.

The Service: They were nice and polite.  The food came out fairly quick.

The Price: I paid $12.01 for fries, the burger, and a water.  My new rule is to not tip unless there is a full service experience.

Bonus Points For: Grub donates excess burger buns to a local charity each month.

Burger Claus: After a week away, Brain, my friend Priceline Alerts, and I found ourselves at Village Burger Bar in the West Village area of Uptown Dallas.  I couldn’t tell if we were getting strange looks because we weren’t in costume for All Hallow’s Eve or because Brain is channelling his inner Tom Selleck right now.  Either way, it was a great day for a burger at this trendy and hip Dallas burger joint.  With locations in Uptown, Plano, and Allen, and a pretty solid outdoor patio (at least at the Uptown location) VBB is blossoming into a mini burger empire.  Alongside a full bar (half off wine on Wednesdays, $3.25 ‘Ritas on Fridays), you can order burgers bespoke or off the rack.  Here’s a meaningless fact: TripAdvisor rates VBB the 478th best restaurant in Dallas (out of 2,809 total).  Let’s begin:

The Champagne & Cheddar Burger: If you know me well, you know that I generally don’t enjoy reading menus.  So when I asked the cashier what to order, I was quick to follow his recommendation for what some might call VBB’s signature burger.  Cooked medium (restaurant policy), the Champagne & Cheddar burger is a fluffy wheat bun with cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and dill pickles covering a beef pattie, all smothered with a gratuitous helping of champagne mustard.  I found the meat to be a little bland, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to the chef on this since heavy seasoning and champagne mustard don’t necessarily sound like they would mix that well.  I enjoyed the flavor of the pickles, but the cheddar cheese was nowhere to be found.  I was impressed with the bun’s resiliency in the face of strong potential for soggy bun syndrome.

Shoestring Fries: VBB is known for their sweet potato fries, but since this blog is for posterity and Brain called dibs on ordering them, I was stuck with the shoestring fries.  I’ve always found these little guys so hard to eat, mostly because they’re just so dadgum disproportionate to my finger size.  It’s unfortunate really, but hey, I did it for the readers.  Bottom line: if you go, order Sweet Potato -- they’re the same price as the shoestring fries anyway.

Service: Nice, but really slow.  There isn’t a ton of space in front of the counter where you order, so standing in line is mayhem.  There were only 3 front of house employees during the peak lunch rush, so we did more waiting for our food.  Fortunately, my friend Priceline Alerts is a cool cat, and we spent a good chunk of time talking about what his nickname should be in my blog post.

Ambiance: It’s above average I guess.  SportsCenter is on mute (OU made the Top Ten for reasons you may not expect) and there is fun music on in the background (but not too loud).  At one point they played an annoying Halloween organ solo, but I guess that’s understable.

Sriracha?: VBB has been negatively impacted by the looming shortage, apparently.    

Price: Burger, fries, and water.  $9.33.