#bumbling buffoons

Gosh I thought you’d never ask!

#131 Clumsy Superheroes

Are you constantly dropping vials of highly deadly viruses in highly public places? Are you -at any given point- approximately twenty seconds away from accidentally revealing your secret identity? Do you find yourself falling on your face more often than the average person? Then congratulations you might be a clumsy superhero! (And a burden on society!) 

Clumsy superheroes are an interesting phenomenon because, logically, they shouldn’t even be a thing. If you’re especially prone to dropping things you have no business attempting to save babies from burning buildings. At the same time though, if you can shoot spikes from your mouth or have radioactive knuckles, while also being extremely klutzy you probably shouldn’t be unsupervised. So you need to get yourself onto a superhero team. (For advice on how to do that, because the odds are good that you’re not going to be admitted on your own merits, see here.)

Clumsy superheroes can do a lot more good as part of a team than they can operating as a solo hero. If you’re part of a team that means you can be utilized effectively in situations that play to your strengths. While if you were acting on your own, you’d have to deal with every crime and crisis on your own. And there are plenty of situations where a superpowered clumsy person is actually exactly what you need. Do you know how many times superheroes are faced with some sort of doomsday device or cursed board game that they need to destroy? All the gosh dang time. Sometimes these things are very difficult to break. Especially since there’s a gloating, tied up, supervillain cackling and gloating about it being impossible to break the whole time. Luckily, clumsy people can figure out how to break anything. Priceless heirlooms, expensive dishes, even a dirty bomb that’s the size of a small town. 

I’d also recommend bringing along a clumsy superhero if you’re going to explore an old castle, or a new castle that’s been built in the style of old castles. Clumsy superheroes are often prone to tripping and catching themselves on nearby walls, meaning they’re 80% more likely to accidentally discover a secret passageway then the average, poised and composed, superhero. This makes them an invaluable asset when raiding supervillain lairs or searching for hidden treasure. 

Clumsy superheroes can also be useful, in fact I’d even go as far as to say intrinsic, to stealth missions. No, we’re not tripping, no you’re eyes are not deceiving you. It’s true. Klutzes are great to have on stealth missions. As we all know, 80% of what makes for a successful stealth mission is misdirection and if you’ve got a stumblebum in your squad that’s basically assured. Just make sure you split up from them once you infiltrate the lair. I guarantee you that the last thing a mad scientist wants to hear is a bunch of glass shattering followed by a “whoops, my bad.” They’re definitely going to check that out. Leaving you free and clear to then make off with the plans for the “Thunder Clap Cannon Kazoo” or the “Hyper-Velocity Merry Go Round of Death Despair.” (Just make sure there are no teleporter scramblers in the lair, otherwise your resident butterfingers is going to get captured and/or killed.)

So while clumsy superheroes can be an asset for superhero teams, if you’re a team leader looking to recruit one there are some precautions that you’ll need to take. For example, you’re going to need to widen all of the doorways in your headquarters by a substantial amount. Hopefully if all your doorways are wide enough you’ll be able to cut down on the amount of times these chumps are stubbing their toes and thus, unable to partake in missions. (Some of them will still manage of course. Eventually you’re just going to be better off replacing their feet with cybernetic implants that can’t feel pain.) You’re also going to need to get them a life-proof case for their communicators. Yes, I know that your communicators are already designed to work in the middle of volcanoes, under water, and in the vacuum of space, but I am telling you now, that is not going to be enough. They’re still going to find a way to short it out by spilling milk on it one too many times. (Even the greatest and most durable technological marvels can survive having milk spilled on them only so many times.) You’re going to essentially need to baby-proof any common areas. Replace all your tables with round ones to minimize corner-related injuries. Maybe put a child-proof lock on any rooms containing dangerous items or substances. (The lab, the evidence locker, that one room that’s just filled with monster skulls, the armory, etc.)

Clumsy superheroes also need specially designed costumes to combat their accident-prone nature. Clumsy hero costumes should be heavily padded and armored to mitigate the risk of a hero injuring themselves during a fall. At the same time though they should’t be too heavily armored because that’s just going to cause them to fall over more. There’s definitely a learning curve here but eventually you’ll find that sweet spot between too much and not enough armor. A clumsy superhero’s armor should also contain things like: 

Inflatable airbags (or a full-size deployable mattress). 

A retractable sneeze guard.

Extra robotic appendages to limit the amount of stuff these people actually need to hold in their own two, untrustworthy hands.

Vacuums and a container in order to suck up any hazardous gasses or liquids that they accidentally release.

Some kind of glue-gun to perform hasty repairs.

A microphone system in their helmet that automatically mutes any utterance of anybody’s secret identity. (For times when you really want to dramatically reveal your secret identity, you’ll just have to take off the helmet.) (Also, ideally, the helmet’s sound system should automatically block out any instances of other people making fun of their clumsiness. For morale.)

A proximity alert system to prevent them from accidental bumping into people or straight up hitting random bystanders in the middle of a fight.

Heavy boots with good grip and traction.

Lots of pouches with zippers. Zippered pockets and pouches make it a lot harder for these guys to lose things. These can also act as an early warning sign. Anytime you see a hero with lots of pouches on their costume just know that these people are actually bumbling buffoons. 

No sharp edges!

Definitely no capes! I know we’ve mentioned it before but now more than ever we need to stress that under no circumstances should these particular superheroes be wearing capes. That’s just asking for trouble. They trip over their two feet! I once saw someone claim that they tripped and fell because the air was too thick. Can you imagine the catastrophes that would unfold if these people were wearing large garments that swooshed about freely! People could die!