#bu today

SLOANE HOUSE— Citing a rapid flow of student money into the bulging fat pockets of his expensive slacks, BU President Robert Brown has announced an overall 3.7 percent increase in the number of butlers tasked with servicing him at his multimillion dollar mansion.

“We acknowledge the very substantial investments made by parents and students in paying these exorbitant education fees,” Brown said. “But in order for me to be an effective president I require millions of dollars in compensation and personal slaves to feed me grapes and trim my mustache.”

The new butlers will greatly improve the high-quality of service at the Sloane House, Mr. Brown’s Brookline mansion worth nearly $6 million that has six fireplaces.

“I simply must have more butlers to stoke my fireplaces, smoke my salmon, and polish my cufflinks,” Brown said as the cartoonish images of money signs appeared on his irises. 

Brown said the butlers would be paid for in part by the recent 3.7 percent increase in tuition at BU. He said the school is trying to to enhance quality of education while controlling expenses, a bullshit and broad statement that he says every year but never actually delivers on.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry, but I’ve been saying that same statement for so long, it’s almost comical how untrue it is,” Brown said in the midst of having his mustache cast in solid gold. 

One of the newly hired butlers, Jake Dowsett (CAS ‘14), recently graduated from BU and said he would be using most of his paycheck to pay off student debts.

“I’ve got thousands of dollars in debt that I racked up getting an education,” Dowsett said. “I’m just glad I graduated when I did, the kids these days are facing even steeper prices than a couple years ago.”

MUGAR LIBRARY -- Authorities report that Boston University student Rebecca Walsh (CAS '16) is reading the comments section on a BU Today article with the completely mistaken idea that she'll be able to keep up her self-esteem after reading the words that other students wrote under the blanket of Internet anonymity. 

Walsh, with what officials are describing as "an incredibly naive and dangerously positive" belief in her peers' ability to maturely discuss gender issues, went to the comment section immediately upon opening the article.

"I don't know why she's choosing to just intentionally ruin her day like that," bystander Nancy Griggs (SMG '17) said. "Like, she didn't even consider the possibility that grown adults in a university might still retain outdated, offensive views on gender relations, and that a comment section allows them to express those views without fear of retribution."

"Seriously, none of that occurred to her?" Griggs continued. "I'm honestly shocked."

Other students agreed with Griggs, mentioning that they have never emerged from any Internet comment section with greater understanding of an issue, much less one from BU Today. 

"I don't know how she's keeping her composure," said Jack Eastman (CAS '15). "If anyone were to say this stuff to me in person, I'd punch them in the face. And I would be completely justified."

Oscar Wilde said, "I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.  It is never of any use to oneself."

At COM, we like to pass it on, too.  So, just in case you didn't have a chance to check out BU Today last week, here are some words of wisdom from the professors and people who inspired you during your time at BU.

Psst...You'll notice some familiar COM faces.

Do you have any advice for our recent COM graduates and current students?  Share it on COMtalk's timeline.  We want to hear from you.

Awkward: http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/paula-patton-robin-thicke-separate/story?id=22654662