#btk-1004

12 June 2012

Along the years I had so many friends who were talking about how relaxing it is to write in a diary, and how they could store their memories between the pages. I’ll be honest; I was a little envious because, at some point, I, too, tried to have one of my own. However, it ended up in a failure. There were not many things to talk about because my life was pretty much average. I didn’t see the point of continuing it, so I gave up shortly.

However, now I can try doing it again. How exciting!

Listen Diary, I feel so alive right now. I feel like I am living a dream, and I hope that it will remain like this forever. The happiness knocked on my door, and I didn’t hesitate welcoming it in. This feeling is fulfilling my heart every day, every day I see him because it came in a pretty handsome shape.

Hmm? Do you still not know what I am talking about? It’s my Jaehyun, of course. We have been dating for a while now, but it still feels like we are two puppies deeply in love, our honeymoon phase never ending. Actually, we will celebrate our 4 years anniversary in two days. And that reminds me that I still did not find the perfect gift for him. Such a bad girlfriend I am.

 13 June 2012

I found my knight in shining armor! He was lying lazily on the couch, watching TV. I should be considered myself lucky because many people search for him, and all I had to do was to climb down the stairs.

Do you remember how I said that I was still searching for a good present? Today I still had no idea what I should get him, but everything went smoothly. My knight helped me, isn’t he sweet? And he was the one suggesting it, not me.

He is my and Jaehyun’s best friend. So how could it not pop in my mind? Who would know better know what Jaehyun likes if not his friend Inguk? He really saved me, as always. I remember how many times he helped me in the past, and nothing changed, even though I may be a troublemaker sometimes.

Now I have no worries, and I can’t wait for tomorrow!

14 June 2012

I feel like screaming! No, not in horror but I can’t hold in all the emotions that are swirling in my chest, making it feel like it will explode. My heart is also not helping me as it is beating like I ran a marathon. Should I do it? Maybe I’ll let it out, just a little. Hold on, I will do it now, anyway.

Ok, it was awkward. I ended up screaming. I thought I did it silently, but it seems like it was the opposite because a confused Inguk came into my room, asking me if everything was alright. And I swear I heard Jaehyun laughing in the hallway. Bastard, he knows exactly why I am like this.

So let me explain. Today is our anniversary, and he proposed to me! I still can’t believe it. I feel like I am floating on the ninth cloud. He planned everything, like a sly fox he is. We had dinner at a new restaurant that opened recently and there it happened. My tears were sliding down my cheeks, and I am more than sure that I looked like an ugly duckling when it turned into sobs. I was just so happy, so hard to control myself. I regret nothing, though. You have no idea how happy I am.

 16 June 2012

Every day I realize more and more how perfect this man is. Every hug, kiss and touch makes me feel shivers go down my spine. I can’t ever have enough of him. I am so happy at the thought that he wants to age by my side. I can imagine us like a cuddly old couple, and the idea makes me smile every time.

That reminds me that we still didn’t tell Inguk anything. We want it to be a surprise. I wonder what he will say, and how he will act. I am more than sure that he will say something along the lines “How can you marry a monkey?”. He has been teasing me since high school.

A bully, that’s what he is!

 20 June 2012

We have finally told him but it was not really the reaction I have expected from him.

We had dinner together, and it just felt like the perfect moment to tell him everything. So, as we sat in the living room, I and Jaehyun told him that we have something to tell him. He seemed curious as he took a seat and looked at us patiently.

Jaehyun was smiling while looking at me, his eyes encouraging me to make the big announcement. Words were stuck in my throat and they could never express just how wonderful I felt, instead I showed him my beautiful white ring that was resting on my finger, like there was no better place where it could be, fitting perfectly. However, I could see Inguk’s face pale at the news, disbelief floating into his dark eyes. So I added “We are getting married!”, filling the silence that was killing all of us.  I did not understand why he was so confused, but what he said next startled me. He sustained that it was not the perfect moment to get married and that he will never support us. After that he just stormed out the door. I looked at my fiancée, and he looked back at me, both of us being incapable of understanding what has just happened.

Did he feel betrayed? We are all best friends, so he may feel like we are abounding him, leaving him behind while we will build our own family. At least that’s what Jaehyun said while hugging me under the covers, his warm hands caressing my back. He seemed calm, trying to find some kind of an excuse for Inguk’s behavior, but I knew it was just a mask. He was as much affected by his burst as I was.

Why would he feel like that? We were never going to move on without him. We were always together, and we will always be. I’ll try talking to him tomorrow.

 21 June 2012

I feel at peace now. There was just a misunderstanding.

Today Inguk came to talk to me, apologizing for what he said last night. He said that he didn’t feel well, and that’s why he was sensitive, and at the end he told me that he will support us. However, the smile he offered me felt so superficial and cold. Maybe it was just my imagination? Of course, probably he still felt unwell.

Later that night my husband took me to a movie date. We had a good time, fooling around with the popcorn, and almost getting us kicked out. This is what I love about him; he knows how to have fun just like me.

 8 July 2012

For the past weeks I missed Inguk’s presence. He was in the house with us, but it felt like he was just a ghost passing by me. He did not talk a lot, and if he did, there were only short sentences. And I could tell that he was deep in thoughts, like today.

He was sitting at the base of the staircase, alone. He looked so…lost. So I decided that I should cheer him up. Whatever his problem was, I wanted to help him. However, he seemed to be annoyed at my attempts of lightening the atmosphere, but I was not going to give up. Just when I was ready to make him chase me, Jaehyun made his appearance. That was a good opportunity to involve him in out teasing, just how we were in high school.  I hid behind him while continuing to piss off Inguk. But as soon as his eyes laid on Jaehyun, his whole expression changed. He was smiling again. The exact opposite happened when he looked back at me, his eyes promising me that I will regret for acting like a monkey, his words.  

Hmm, it seems like I can’t beat Jaehyun when it comes to friendship. That’s alright, though. Everyone feels more attached to a certain person. I just hope that he will open up in front of my fiancée, letting him take care of his worries.

 6 October 2012

I haven’t been able to write here in a long time. Truth be told, I forgot about this diary’s existence because planning a wedding is harder than I thought. But we here we are, 4 days before the ceremony. I am so nervous; I can’t even sleep properly at night. Jaehyun is suffering with me, poor hubby. He wakes up everytime I turn around in in bed. And sometimes I make him stay awake and talk to me about how we imagined our wedding to be like.

We have decided that it will be a modest one. We want a small place where important people in our life will gather around to celebrate with us. Everyone can relax and enjoy the company of each other.

On the other hand…Inguk got even worse. At some point he stopped talking to me, and it hurts me, but I try to remain unaffected, showing him my happy-go-lucky self. There were days when I wondered if I did something that offended him, but nothing came up into my mind. I told my love about my worries, his only advice being that I should give him his personal space. I didn’t like the idea, but what else could I do?

Jaehyun and Inguk behaved like nothing was wrong, only the atmosphere between Inguk and me was darkening every time we bumped into each other.

I don’t want us turning into strangers. That thought terrifies me.

Inguk, just talk to me!

I miss you.

 10 October 2012

Today was our wedding! It was something magical. Of course, I was very nervous; I could feel my stomach churn because of the emotions that were tormenting me, but the joy of seeing my Jaehyun in the black tuxedo soothed my soul. I knew he was handsome, but today he hit a new level. And another amazing thing that happened today was that Inguk finally talked to me!

I was climbing down the stairs, feeling wonderful in my modern wedding dress, when I saw my friend among the guests that we arriving. To my surprise, he told me that I was beautiful, lifting my spirit to the sky. My smile was hurting my cheeks, but I couldn’t stop, it made me so happy.

We didn’t have time for a proper conversation, what a shame! I didn’t complain, though, because I was finally fulfilling my wishes of tying my soul to its half.

I was so drunk in the moment, so lost in my husband’s eyes, nobody could ruin this, and nothing around me was important anymore. I pushed all the stress and worries of the past months behind as his lips touched mine. It was finally official! We were one.

I took a lot of photos with everyone, Jaehyun sighing beside me as he was dragged in some of them. One day I will look back at them and I will relive this.

When I was almost done, I realized that Inguk disappeared, and so did my husband, apparently. Long story short, after a long time, the three of us took a photo together, and I could not ask for more.

A perfect day! I feel like everything will be back to normal.

 15 October 2012

Why did he do something like this to us? What did we do wrong? I don't understand him anymore! Weren't we close to each other? Didn't we promise each other that we will be one by the other's side? Why was this happening? Why did he decide to leave us?

When I first saw him at the front door, with his luggage packed beside him, I thought it was a bad joke. I waited for him to say that, I almost laughed like an idiot. But the words "got you!" never came out from his parted lips.

Why? Just why? Please, someone, just tell me why. I feel like searching for him, catch him and bring him home. Maybe I should have clung to him, stubbornly refusing to let him go.

And why was Jaehyun so calm? He was our friend not just mine. I feel so dizzy, and my eyes sting. I feel alone, because they are brushing me aside. I know that they are close, they must have talked about this. Why would he just let Inguk go like this if this is not the case? I hate to say this, but I am sure that Jaehyun is hiding something to me. I am not a trustful person? This is why he can’t talk to me about this? He knows that I am worried. I’ve opened up to him, but all he did was to make me look like I am exaggerating. I am not, Jaehyun. Something doesn’t click, not even what you say makes any sense now.  

I feel useless. There is something disturbing my dear friend's peace of mind, but I can't reach to him. Maybe I should have been more stubborn, I should have been blunt an ask him what was wrong. Instead I just waited and waited but look to what it led. I am just a moron. I feel like today I lost a friend, no, a brother. And this could be my entire fault! Inguk, I am sorry. I should have been a better friend.

7 November 2012

I don't know how to feel. Confused, stunned, angry, betrayed? Yes, there is a bit of everything, but most of all I am sad. I just found out that Inguk is gay. He is gay for real, and he never told us! I had to discover it by accident when I was cleaning the house, and decided to enter in his room. There was this familiar photo, the photo he took with us. Ripped! I was not in it anymore. Two men standing next to each other, smiling at the camera, touching each other.  It looked like they were a couple! And then it hit me. Inguk was in love with my husband. That's why! That's why he acted like that, that's why he hated me, that's why he acted like that for the past months...I can't believe, it all makes sense and I was a fool.

I was here worrying myself to death because he seemed to hate me, but now I understand. He felt like I was a hindrance between him and his crush. This is not how you treat your friend! So what? Jaehyun was straight and he chose me. I don't intend on sharing him with anyone else because he is my husband. For how long has he been in love with him? I feel like I can't trust him because he should have said something. Not to me, to Jaehyun! He should have been honest, not playing with us like this. I hate him right now!

I should go tell my husband about my new discovery, but is it really a good idea...?

 21 May 2012

What a dreadful day. I am exhausted…

I could have never imagined that I would see him again, at least I did not plan to.

Today I met Inguk again after half an year. I received a drunk call from him, telling me that he wants me to come to him because he has something to tell me. I didn't what to go at first, but I wanted some answers, I have wanted them for a long time.

And there he was, sitting at a table with empty bottles of alcohol laying in front of him. At the sight of him all the anger that left me bitter vanished, replaced by pity. I could not recognize the man standing in front of me. He looked so weak, his eyes looked dead to me.

I hesitate, not knowing what to do. A part of me wanted to yell at him, but the other one wanted to help him. I didn't have time to dwell in my thoughts too much as he told me to take a seat. So I did. I couldn't speak, hell, I couldn't even look at him. The atmosphere between us was even worse than it was before the wedding. I couldn't stand it, I wanted to make it disappear, but my mind was blank. Thankfully, Inguk was the one breaking the silence. He started telling me how my forehead was getting bigger. Heh, the bully side was coming to surface again. That made me smile. And he didn't stop there. He started teasing me about how I will go bald in a few years. His small jokes relaxed me, and I forgot that I went there for answers. Instead I just played along, I wanted to chat with my friend about silly things.

We had a good time until he asked me why I was not drinking. The question made me nauseous. Maybe I should have shut up, or maybe I did the right thing.  i knew that he would be destroyed by my next words...but I couldn't stop myself, so I mumbled "I am pregnant. I can't drink".

I felt so small in that chair while he was staring at me with his mouth slightly opened, his eyes looking through me. Why should I be ashamed? It was not like I did something wrong. I knew, however, how hard these words stung Inguk's heart.

And his reaction startled me. He threw his head back and started laughing. This time I was the one staring at him with my mouth opened. I didn't expect this. After a few minutes he smiled at me and said "congratulation". He could not hide it from me. I saw how sad and disappointed he was.

No one said anything else. We didn't look at each other anymore.

And then he suddenly got up, telling me that he was too drunk and asked me to drive him home. I accepted, how could I not?  

That's when he told me he was gay, told me about his crush on my husband, how much he envied me, and how much he hated me and himself. My heart hurt, and I didn't dare to look at him. I knew he was crying, I felt like tears were threatening me too. I had to control myself, though. And the quiet sobs that came shortly from my right side proved me right. He was hurting so much, suffering all alone with his demons. And that's when I realized how selfish I was while he was gone. I was so possessive after he left that I forgot to see just how hard it was for him. He didn't try breaking us up, even though it was not so hard. He stood in the shadow all this time and watched us. I felt terrible. How could I help him. I wanted to hold his hand, but I was a coward. I was afraid that he would reject me, so I let silence surrender us until he calmed down.

It is blurry what happened next, it is like I was on autopilot.

I feel so empty.

 28 May 2012

Inguk decided to move abroad. He wanted a new start, a new life. He said this city was suffocating him, and who could blame him? There were too many bad memories chaining him up in this place. He should be happy, he deserves it.

My only wish was to say my final goodbye to him. He didn't accept at first, but he knew that I would not give up so easily.

At the airport, I could see him searching with his eyes something behind me, or rather someone. He was like an open book. I lied that my husband had an emergency and couldn't make it, but he flicked my forehead, telling me that I was a horrible liar. I mirrored his smirk. He got me, but he seemed to be in a good mood.

And he hugged me. We hugged like we did not in all these years we have known each other. It was like we were afraid of letting each other slip from our embrace, the cruel reality waiting for us to break our shelter formed by our wrapped arms around each other. But we had to let go, it was his wish, I will respect it.

I felt like a part of me left with him. I knew I would never see him again,  and I hated it. I wanted him to always be my knight in shining armor, and I wanted to continue our silly games. However, it wss impossible. I wanted to go back in time, I wanted to change so many things.

I hope that God will help him in his search for happiness, and that his path will be clear from now on because he stayed too much in the dark.

My dear friend, you were like a brother to me and, in the past, I would have slapped anyone who dared to say that we will be apart from each other. But it seems like anything is possible, and it scares me. Maybe there will come a time when Jaehyun will leave me too. I would be all by myself, loneliness consuming my whole existence.

My soul hurts and is already longing after you and everything that makes you yourself. Whatever may happen in the future, you will always remain close to my heart, and if ever you need help, please know that I will be here to support you, at no matter what cost.

I will stop writing in this diary from now on because it contains all the memories you want to leave behind. I will help you, I will lock it somewhere where no one could reach it, except me and you. You told me to forget that all of these happened. But how could I? I promise, however, that I will pretend to.

When I saw him for the first time, it was at a rather tasteless bar. He looked like a small, lost animal as he sat at the counter, sipping from the glass of alcohol. I couldn't tell what he was drinking, but seeing the funny expression he wore on his face every time he gulped the liquid down his throat, I assumed it was something pretty strong.

I sat at one of the tables, my eyes being unable to leave him alone as I found it interesting how easily it was to read him. His face expression showed sorrow, sadness, with a tint of defeat. A train of thoughts was tormenting his soul, and it seemed to be pretty intense for making him drink all these strong emotions away.

I sat there for a long time before I decided to approach him. So I slowly made my way towards the counter, and sat on the stool beside him. By now, it looked like the alcohol took a toll on him. The arms were folded under his chin as he was fighting the urge of going to sleep. With heavy lids, he looked ahead, but his eyes seemed to be dead. Funny enough, this guy reminded me of an abandoned puppy which was still waiting for its owner. I shook my head at the thought, and then lightened up a cigarette. The bartender didn't waste time as he quickly brought me an ash tray. With a polite smile I thanked him and took a long drag from the cancerous stick. So many people told me that I should stop smoking, but it is easier said than done. We all die from something, anyway.

My eyes fell on the small frame of the puppy who still sat beside me. His body started shaking, making my eyebrow raise in question. I was not sure if he felt cold or if he was crying, and I could not see his face because now he had it completely buried in the fabric of his hoodie.

"Mister, are you alright?" I asked him as I tapped his shoulder gently. But it seemed that he decided to ignore me. Well, I was a stranger, so he couldn't know if I was a creeper or a serial murderer.

I decided to keep quiet for now. I was never that friend from whom you could seek comfort, because I have never understood people's points of view as most of the time they were simply stupid. That made me lose my patience rather quickly and we mostly ended up getting into an argument as our opinions differed. However, I couldn't ignore him, who looked almost pathetic and so out of place. So, I let him dwell into the silence, but my hand carefully caressed his back. To be honest, I was ready to feel the muscles tense under my touch, no, I actually thought that he would slap my hand away. Bu strangely, I felt him…relaxing? He stopped shivering and he let out a long sight.

"Sir, you are going to get burned." the bartender's voice took me by surprise. I turned my head to see him better, and I was welcomed by a warm smile. The man pointed at his mouth, and that's when I realized that the cigarette was barely hanging by the edge of my lips, ready to fall from my mouth any time.

I heard a chuckle coming from beside me. I opened my mouth to ask what was funny, but he shut me up with his own question. "Why do people fall in love?" His voice cracked all amusement from earlier gone, and his words were slurred. Now, I was more than sure that he was on the verge of crying, but he tried to hide it as he pushed his head deeper into the sleeves of his hoodie. So this is what tormented him. I played with the ice from my glass as I thought of an answer. Well, my personal answer was pretty obvious to me, but I tried to think of something to sooth his soul. And after a long moment of silence, and when he seemed to have calmed himself down, I told him that it was just a natural thing. And it was true. People are born, they live, fall in love, get married, have children, become old people, and, finally, they die. I scoffed at the thought, catching his attention, a million of questions danced in his eyes as he peeked at me. He wanted me to elaborate it, but I didn't want to. I was not going to crush his hope, the stupid hope that all people seemed to possess. That cycle of life is just boring, and doesn't even apply to everyone. People want to be happy, which is cool, but they wait for all the good things to fall from the sky. Being miserable doesn't mean that they should just stay back, complain about how hard life is, and wait for someone to save them.

I could still feel him staring at me as I crushed the cigarette into the ash tray. It was obvious that he wanted to hear more of what I had to say. Sure, I could have just sat up and leave, but I was the one who got me involved in this, so it is only fair to have a conversation with him.  This is how we ended up talking about "love", and people in general. It didn't take a genius to realize that he was a simple person who didn't want to face the cruel reality.

After a few more glasses, he started opening up to me. He looked and sounded so broken while explaining how he had a lover, but he broke up with him, without any explanations or reasons. I stood there listening to him while he poured his heart out. He was the typical heartbroken guy whose lover cheated and found someone else because he wanted something fresh. Boring. Nevertheless, I tried to give him some advices.

Our time together came to an end as my phone started ringing. I excused myself and took the call, but it was not a long one, luckily. When I came back, I met two hopeful eyes. It seemed like my words and the kindness I showed him had a good effect upon him. Now he looked better, he even sat straight in his chair. However, I had to get back to my businesses, so I asked him if he wanted to meet again, and he happily gave me his phone number. And I even offered him a helping hand on getting him home, but he declined my offer, saying that he will just grab a taxi. Fine by me. With that, we said our goodbyes, and I walked out of the bar, curious of what will happen next. I was curious if he will remember everything that was said between us or if he will shy away from me. He looked like that type of person who didn't want to reveal anything about himself, but tonight he did that.

The following weeks were pretty interesting. Not only was I surprised when he texted me first, apologizing for that night, but he was also asking me for further advices while thanking me a millionth time for listening to him. And this is how we started talking to each other daily, meeting at a cafe from time to time. He was still pretty sad, and I could tell he couldn't properly sleep at night as every time I saw him the dark rings around his eyes gave him away. Maybe in time he will learn to accept the situation and that he will be able to heal his heart, but he should hurry up. Time is not going to stop for him. Until the moment came, I was going to stay as his friend, as he called me one time, and it slowly turned into a very good friend. He was a fool. He was trusting people a little too easily, but, strangely, I found it pretty cute.

But this careless behavior only brought him a tragic end as he was attracting dangerous people around him, even though I tried to stop him from doing something dangerous. But he never understood in what he was getting involved, and I could not always keep an eye on him, which was stressing me out at times.

The last time I saw him, he was lying in a pool of fresh blood on his apartment's floor. It was a painful loss, but I couldn't do anything for him. I just hoped he was in a better place.

 "…Mr. Deren?" A high pitched voice made me come back to reality as two confusing eyes looked at me from behind a pair of black rimmed glasses.

"Yeah? Sorry. What were you saying?" I brushed my hand through my hair. I couldn't sleep well last night, but it was no excuse for daydreaming like this when I had a job to complete.

"I said that you can enter. Mr. Woods is expecting you." And then she went back to her files, which were scattered on her desk, by the way. Such a messy secretary Mr. Woods has.

"Ah, you are finally here!" A husky voice welcomed me, even before I had the chance of stepping into the office. "Come in, hurry up." I raised a brow at him in question. What was the rush? But I did that, I walked inside, and the door was quickly closed behind me.

I took a sit at his desk, and I stared at him while he was searching for something in one of the drawers. He was pretty bland. I couldn't say he was ugly, but neither was he handsome, and I guessed that he was in his late 30s.

"Here you go." He pushed an envelope towards me. "You have no idea how much you’ve helped me!" A disgusting smile pulled on his lips, and I could imagine what he was thinking about.

I should have just taken the envelope and be on my way out of the building, but I found myself walking in front of him. "I want to ask you a question." It was more of a command. My hip was resting on the edge of the desk, my hand gently cupping his cheek, making him look at me. His eyes slowly darkened in lust. I heard about this man. He was one of these people who fucked everything that had a hole. Fool.

I was not bad looking and I could see how he eyed the lower half of my body when we met for the first time.

"And what is your question?" He asked in a low voice, capturing my hand in his, and planting a kiss on my palm.

"What would you wish for before you died?" I asked playfully, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear.

"What's wrong with you? It is something weird to ask, don't you think?" He chuckled.

"You think so?" I didn't pursue the topic, but I could see him faking the way he was thinking of an answer, even though we both knew what he wanted. It was a good chance for him to have a piece of what he wanted, so why would he pass it?

"I want a good fuck before I die." He smirked and pushed me closer to him. "Are you happy now?"

"Then come and get it." I mirrored his smirk, and he was more than happy to accept the invitation as he pushed me back on his desk and started kissing me roughly. He smelled like a combination of mint and very expensive cologne. Shortly, a feeling of disgust overcame me as he started grinding against me. Well, I promised him a good fuck, so I allowed him to play with my body however he wanted, but my mind was wandering in other places, not wanting to take part in such a primitive act.

"Daren…" Ah, I could recognize this voice. "I really can't get over this breakup, and it feels like it is eating me inside. I want to see him, I want to touch him, kiss him. And the thought that I won't ever be able to do that drives me crazy. But what can I do? Tell me, Deren! You give me the best advices. It is wrong that I fell in love with him? Maybe I should have realized that he is out of my league. I am, just as you always say, a fool.”

“It hurts...I want to be happy too. I tried seeing other people, but it is not the same. They will never replace him. He was not perfect, sure, but if you knew him well, then you would understand that he is just a sad man. I am sorry for him, and I really tried to help him, Daren, I seriously tried my best, but he was just pushing me away. Maybe I should have given him his personal space. Sometimes, he would scream at me, telling me that I was too clingy and annoying. Do you think this was the reason?"

"How can he replace me so fast? Did these 6 years of relationship not matter at all? You know what? Screw him!"

"Hah, are you already drunk? Pffs! Talking about killing and all that stuff. You are crazy, my friend."

 "I am coming, baby!" These words brought me back to reality, but I would have preferred to stay locked in my own memories. Hovering over me was Woods who was panting like a pig. I could feel something sticky on my chest; I knew what it was, of course. This is why I didn't even look down. I was, however, glad he didn't take my coat off. I should be more careful.

"Ah, you didn't come yet? Don't tell me that you found my skills bad!" He sounded so offended, almost made laugh.

"It is not important." He was not very happy with my answer, but who cared. He got what he wanted.

As I pushed him away, getting into a sitting position on the desk, I felt the need for a smoke, so I asked him if he had a cigarette. He did, and even helped me to light it. What a gentleman, not. Maybe he thought that he could turn me into one of his fuck buddies, if he was nice enough with me.

"Woods," I suddenly said, breaking a suffocating silence between us. I looked him dead in the eyes. "That guy really loved you." My words came out so spontaneously that I did not even realize how random it sounded.

For a moment he was confused, but then he understood what I was talking about. "Are you really talking about him? Let me tell you something, I don’t care." He fumed and walked towards the adjunct bathroom, showing me his back. Golden rule, never turn your back to an untrustworthy stranger.

"But you two are pretty similar, you know. You are fools who can't sense danger, even if the fangs are just a few centimeters away from your faces."

"Shut up! Don't you dare compare me to that frea-"

BANG!

Woods fell on his back in shock. His hand was covering the shoulder, where the bullet was feeling at home, stuck there, in his flesh. Blood was oozing from the wound, coating the arm slowly in it. What a beautiful sight, I thought as he looked like he could finally smell his death approaching.

"You fucking piece of shit!" He screamed at me, finding force in him to do something else other than looking at me in fear. Now it was all replaced by anger. Oh yes, show me what you got, make it more fun. "Oh, I think I understand now. You fell in love with that freak, and now you are going to kill me instead of him. I gave you one job! Kill him, not fuck him, you worthless whore!"

"Wait, what?" It was my turn to look at him in disbelief. What was that? It was actually funny, so funny that it made me burst out in laughter. "I am sorry to break your illusions, but he is dead. Didn't you see the news? Come on, Woods. You hired me because you know I am the best in this field, so are you doubting me now? You are a strange guy. And don't worry, you two love birds can meet again in hell because you just killed each other. You were too obsessed with your social status, so you decided to push away the only person who gave a shit about you. But yeah, you were too afraid of him because he knew your secrets and could bring you down, but oh, you were so wrong. He didn't intend to do that, so an innocent person died. Or was he innocent?" By now I was crouched in front of him, my gun firmly pressed against his forehead. I could hear him gulp nervously, fear paralyzing his whole body. "He did the same as you. He hired me to kill you." I smiled as I saw him struggling in finding the right words.

"No, t-that is impossible. He…how...he can't"

"Goodbye, Woods."

"Wait!" He screamed while gripping my wrists in an attempt of escaping from me. I was curious, so I let him speak. "Money! I am rich. I can give you money!"

"Woods, you are making me laugh again." My words were accompanied by a mocking, weak chuckle. "You could have been a comedian."

I could tell he was thinking of a way or another to make a deal with me, and I could only pity him. He was actually killed because his drunk ex-lover hired me without even knowing what he was doing, or how serious I was. These two fools liked to play with fire, but they got burnt, badly.

And my patience was running thin with this squirming pig.

I stood up on my feet, looking down at a silent Mr. Woods. The wall behind him was splashed with blood, and it looked like fireworks. That reminds me that this year was soon coming to an end.

dear To papa father Mr. Wen,

How have you been these days? I heard that you have gone aboard in order to solve some business issues there. I know that you’re a pretty active man, someone who cannot stay in one place for too long, and that this journey was a pleasure to you.

Your wife called me a few days ago. As always, she was trying to find all kind of excuses in order to make me talk to her. This time she wanted me to help her in the garden, in hope that I would open up a little to her. It was, however, a failure as always. That did not discourage her, and I wonder when she will give up. Until then, no matter how annoying it gets, I will just put up with her silly ideas only because she is a kind and caring woman. As you may have figured, she was the one who told me about your travelling plans. I was drinking tea with her, in the freshly mewed garden, when I saw concern floating in her eyes. So, of course, I asked her what was wrong. She knows you too well, she is aware of how much you like to involve yourself in all kinds of situations or professional relationships, but she could not help but wonder how much you will last like this. We must face reality; you are no longer young. You may still look like how you did a few years ago, your dark aura and your impressive height, which still towers over others, still makes you a scary person who intimidates people easily, but you can’t fool your family. However, you are a stubborn man. I just hope you will stay healthy and let your wife take good care of you.

To be honest, I don’t even know why I am writing this. I know it too well; I don’t have enough courage to give this letter to you, not even indirectly. Later, I will probably put it in a forgotten drawer, not having the guts to open it ever again, or I will just burn this piece of paper…seems like this is the best solution. Even so, I can’t stop my hands from moving.

Our relationship was always very fragile. Do you sometimes think about our lives when mom was by our side? I do. I remember her sweet smile and her soft voice which put me to bed as she read a different fairytale every night. I can’t believe that kind angel from my memories transformed into such a selfish monster. You were not the best father even then. You were always locked in your office, and when you finally got out, you were always frowning and arguing with her. But it was not so bad. It got worse when she left us. In your eyes I was probably just a responsibility she left behind. You had to take care of me, it didn’t matter if you wanted it or not, you accept it. But if I knew it would turn out like this, I would have liked it more if you just walked away from this mess. Your cold attitude towards me was worse than a torture. My childhood is marked by lonely nights and a constant feeling of guilt because you acted like you didn’t want me.

As I grew up, I started hating you, no, detesting is a much better word in this context. I couldn’t stand your cruel self, and one day I just decided I wanted to take my revenge, being lucky that I knew what hurt you the most. In front of people you were always the perfect, respectful man, so I decided that I would spoil your name, that I will bring shame to this awful “family”. I was a teenager at that time and, of course, naïve. My plan was perfect in my mind so I tried putting it in action. That is the moment when my life changed completely, when I ventured into a completely new world, but I can never tell you, or anyone else, about this. I will take it with me in grave, my little secret. My life was somehow stable after I met a few people, and ,for a short period of time, I forgot about my plans as I was just trying to live for my own desires and pleasure.

I don’t remember exactly when, but at some point you met a new woman. It didn’t look too serious so I just brushed it away, but I was wrong. One day, you came back home with your new lover and her son. You introduced us to each other and we dinned together. As I sat at the table, I couldn’t recognize the man who was laughing and seemed so carefree. That made me feel like I didn’t belong there…you were moving on with your new family while I was stuck in the same place. I didn’t want to get too friendly with them, they were strangers, trying to forcefully come into my life and steal everything I had. At least this was what I felt. And in that moment I remembered how much I hated you, the previous plans coming back into my mind.

And I did it. That night is still fresh into my mind, the night when that accident happened and you were obligated to come and save me from the mess. I never did this, but I feel like I should thank you for that. If it wasn’t you, I don’t know where I would be now. You used all your relationships in order to get me free. However, not what happened then remained in my mind, but how small I felt while facing you back as you were looking out the window at the joyful sparkling city which was in contrast with the tense atmosphere inside your office. The room felt so cold and empty, silence was the one ruling over it as no one dared to say anything, both of us lost in our thoughts. The one who broke it was no one but you, and your words still ring sometimes in my mind “what do you really want, Junhui?”. I immediately opened my mouth, I wanted to spit all the venom I bottled inside of me at you, but my mind was blank, making my mouth close again. What did I want? Of course, I wanted to make you suffer ….but was it really what I thought? I’ll be honest, I did not like the hurt look on your face, it did not fit your strong image, and those disappointed eyes with which you stared at me when we entered the house was something I couldn’t handle. After a long moment of silence, I finally opened my mouth again and said “I want to be independent.” It was the best solution. I wanted to get away from you, and build a wall between me and your new family. I felt ashamed of myself and I wanted to put an end to it.

It was the best decision, indeed. Now, when I look back…it was a strange day. When I finally moved in the new house, both of us looked like we were attending a funeral with our mournful expressions, and not even a spot of color on our clothes.

I love this place! I can finally feel protected.

The waters have calmed, but I don’t know what will happen in the future. I wish things would be different. What can we do now, though? I really wanted to have my family back when I was just a little boy, and sometimes I still do. There are so many things I hate about you! However, I can’t deny the fact that your blood is flowing through my veins, and we will always have this fragile bound between us. I thought it broke a long time ago, but as I turned into an adult…I really tried to understand you.  A part of me forgave you because I saw how you changed after you met your wife, you even tried to get closer to me, but you did not know how and at that point I was already full of hate. Naturally, things did not work out. But here we are, I will not cry over spoiled milk.

Wishing you all the best,