#bruceadopts

Listen. Bruce has adopted kids for way less. But this? This is fate. This is destiny. This is—

"Billy Batson."

Bruce took one look at the kid and immediately felt the urge to offer him an official Wayne adoption package, complete with a new bedroom, an allowance, and an endless supply of overprotective siblings. Unfortunately, the Justice League refuses to let Billy join the Batfamily because, and I quote, "Bruce, he’s already got a life and a home, you can’t just keep adopting every emotionally repressed child you meet."

The child safety authorities also aren’t thrilled. To them, Bruce Wayne is looking less like a responsible billionaire philanthropist and more like a collector. They’re not convinced this isn’t some kind of elaborate Pokémon situation, where Bruce is determined to catch ‘em all.

So now Bruce is stuck. Billy’s technically fine—he has a home, he’s got a support system, he’s got the wisdom of Solomon—but Bruce knows that under all that magic, there’s just a kid who could use a stable adult in his corner.

So he does the next best thing: He mentors Billy in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Is Billy on patrol? Guess who just happens to be nearby, offering unsolicited advice and stealth-dropping life lessons. Did Billy get into trouble? Bruce is already handling it before Billy even realizes there was a problem. Randomly, Billy starts getting care packages—expensive gloves for the winter, school supplies, a suspiciously well-balanced meal delivered to his apartment.

Billy: "Did you send me food?" Bruce: "I have no idea what you’re talking about." (He absolutely did.)

Meanwhile, the Batkids just accept that Billy is basically their brother now, official paperwork or not.

Jason: "You know he’s gonna wear you down eventually, right?" Billy: "The League won’t let him." Tim: "Yeah, neither would CPS, and yet here we are." Billy: "…Oh god, I’m gonna be a Wayne, aren’t I?" Dick, grinning: "We already got your room ready!"