Artist rendition of the body bag photo causing the family turmoil

First off, what your sister-in-law uses as masturbation fodder isn’t any of your concern. And second, unless she’s going out of her way to show you the picture and ruin your desires why should you give a shit. And tell your daughter that if she gets to snitchin’ again she’ll be finding herself in the next body bag.

SPECIAL NOTE TO MISSING MOM’S WICKED SISTER-IN-LAW: If you see this letter and realize that next Christmas would be the perfect time to give your brother’s whiny wife this picture blown up and framed please take video of her opening it and send it to [email protected].

DEAR MISS MANNERS BUTTERS: While it's important not to waste resources, what is the proper thing to do when one flush doesn't remove all of the waste?

It seems to be wasteful to continue flushing just to be sure all is gone before the next user needs to use the facilities, but also not nice to leave anything behind.

The Young Pope has it right (as an aside, what a delightfully bizarre television show that is), if your shameful movements aren’t able to clear the toilet basin in one flush the only water you should be worrying about is of the holy variety because you got the devil in you.

The first flushable toilets were invented in the late 16th century but the Catholic Church created the sacred toilets we know know today in 1775. When settling on a color for His Holiness’ personal commode, Pope Pius VI decreed they be made of white porcelain to symbolize the toilet’s ability to assess your divinity. Pope Clement XII some years earlier had first surmised that the amount of mookie-stinks contained in a person was related to how much sin they were carrying, which is why it smells (related to this is how the Church uses wine at Mass instead of beer because of the respective farts each creates and the notable rot in the latter).

Biblical scholars and the top medical professionals convened at the Vatican to determine just how much sin a goodly person would be able to pass at a given time and adjusted the toilet to only remove that much in a single flush. Those who required an extra go at the handle were summarily excommunicated from the church and placed on a high fiber diet.

Just know I’ll be praying for you, dear reader.

Dear Carolyn Butters: What do you think is the single most important quality to look for in a lifelong partner? -- Just Curious