#brokenhurt

Me canse de desgastar mi esfuerzo y mis ganas de amar en alguien que no lo merecía por igual.

My story. On February 7th of 2013, he asked me out to be his girlfriend. I said no. I was scared that I would give myself to someone only to be let down and get left behind. I was afraid. He waited for me for almost a month until I was ready to break down my fear and face happiness with him. On March 2nd of 2013, he asked me again and I happily said yes. I thought of the efforts he has shown for the past few months and I could not possibly let that go. I couldn't wait to get to know him and eventually fall deeply in love with him. Like many other couples, we have failed and fought; although, it was harder for us since we were in a long distance relationship. During the summer of  2013, only a couple of months in the relationship, he moved to orange county (about an hour away from me). This was hard for both of us even comparatively it was not much of a distance but we fell in love and have kept each other and stayed. The biggest thing about our relationship was that we were very much opposite of each other, but despite it all, we laughed, cried, understood each other and most importantly loved each other. 21 months have passed and a year and half of a long distance relationship, he decided to leave. On December 16th of 2014, he left. This wasn't the first time he did, but this time was different. He has given up and I was making him unhappy. I asked why. I asked how. I asked what happened. I never understood. At first, he gave me reasons. The reasons were tough to hear because they didn't seem to be a recent problem but, a problem recurring throughout our relationship that I have been clueless about. It was even harder because all of his reasons were not because of my fault but because of false jealousy and things made up only in his head but I accepted it. Since we broke up during finals week, I thought it was only fair to have closure the weekend after. Sunday morning came and he was there standing outside of my home ready to talk. It was honestly a good closure. I accepted that I might never understand why but, at least I stayed and I loved and and cared for him the best that I could. I hated seeing him go but I had to. I hated letting go but I had to. With that last hug, I was screaming in my head "PLEASE STAY" over and over hoping it was all one big nightmare but it wasn't. It was all real and right in front of me. I watched him drove up knowing this would be the last time I see him. This is the guy I was suppose to wake up next to in the future. He was suppose to be my infinity and beyonderrresteerrr and infinity more than that but, he left. Half an hour later, he called me to walk outside and I saw him standing there regretting what he has done but, by then, I was far too hurt and could not have the heart to let him back in. I broke down. I wanted him back but how can someone break up with me for a whole week and decide to come back without the fight. His efforts to come back was brave but I was so hurt tat I don't know how much I should give to a person that hurt me so much especially since this wasn't the first time he left. Now, I'm glad I didn't give him this chance because he said coming back was a mistake. We kept texting each other after that. How could I not? Call me a fool of love but, I wanted him in my life more than anything. He broke up with me, so how can you expect me to let him go when he was the one who is suppose to? I know I didn't give him that chance but it doesn't mean I didn't want him in my life. We fought some more and by new years we decided to let each other go. We didn't talk for about a week and a half and then he texted me. We talked about us a lot and I just couldn't let what we had go and as to what seems like it at the time, he couldn't either. He said he felt the same way as he did before but it was best we were friends for now. We talked about the future and I can't help to ask why it all failed. He  never gave me an answer. We've been talking for a while and then all of a sudden things changed. It turns out he wasn't the guy I used to know. I was missing half of who is for 21 months that we were together because this is brought up he found me judgmental and everything blew up. Insults and hurtful words were exchanged until he firmly said he was moving on. We said our good-byes and ended the conversation there. I was in Texas at this time and the next day I was on my way to fly back home. I received a text from him because he was concern for my safety but, how could I believe him? He was heartless and made me feel so worthless the day before and he comes running back showing me that he was another type of person. I was hurt and angry. This continued the  next day until everything blew out of proportions because everything was driven out of anger. He blocked me on instagram to "keep you out of my life" and I'm "a crazy ex" but, he refuses to delete the pictures I have with him which I never understood. He treasured the memories we had together but, after all that he has shown, why would you treasure something that has been ruined. How we were then is not reflective of who we are now that we are broken up. It should be left in the forgotten memories because all I have connected to those memories were pain and betrayal. As a person with a strong personality driven with anger, I decided that two can play that game. I blocked/ unfriended/ unfollowed him on every social media and I even deleted his number. I never wanted this to happen. I never thought our happy relationship would turn into something so miserable. I guess this would be good for us to move on but before that I want to answer his question."Why did you stay for so long?" I stayed for so long because I never wanted to leave. I used to look at you and see our future together. I gave you my all to make sure I did not lack. I wanted you and I fought for you and I chased after you because you promised me you would stay. I truly did care for you and I loved you more than anything in the world. I was willing to love my self a little less just so I can love you even more. I was always so afraid you would get tired and leave. Remember those nights when I would look at you and cry because I was so happy you were mine and I never wanted you to leave but things change. People change. You've changed. You are not the guy I fell in love with. You are not the guy who made me feel like the luckiest girl. You are the guy who made me feel worthless and empty. I guess I have been chasing after and fighting for the wrong person and the best thing to do is let go. Let go of the person I thought you were. God put you in my life for a reason. I don't know why and I don't know what for but, you were in it and I trust God that it was all for the better. All I want to say now is Thank you. Thank you because you stayed for a while. You made me feel lucky and really really happy for a while. You made me feel one whole person every time I'm with you for a while. You made me feel that I was worth fighting for for a while. Thank you for all the sacrifices, the food, the love and the sincerity I thought I deserved for a while. I hope you follow your dreams and you would not let anyone or anything get  in the way of it. I will keep my promise and I will always be here for you when you need me. Take care of yourself, please. Good bye, A.