#brokenheartprobs

"I bet you think I either moved on or hate you 'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply. I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you And risk another goodbye." And just like that.. We're over. Because I can't keep being your fuck buddy while you're in a relationship with "your best friend".

I spend a great deal of time trying to find someone. The problem? I found someone. And in the beginning? It was great. I was falling for this guy who was absolutely amazing. Now? I can never figure out where I stand with him. Well, he turned out to be involved with someone else. Don't they always? But did it stop me? For some time. I think for a month. And then he popped up. Out of nowhere. I kept finding him. He haunts me, you see. This beautiful boy haunts me. I can't get him out of my head. And every time we say bye or I fall asleep, I promise myself that it won't happen again. I promise myself that I'm walking away. And it's so exhausting. To keep fighting this. Us. Whatever. I see him in strangers on the street. That month? Was hell. And it's not because I can't have him. Honestly. Because if I could have him? Yes. Every single fucking day. He's my always. He's my forever. He's the moon of my life. Because he only comes out in the middle of the night. But he brightens me like no other. He lights up my entire dark sky. See? It's worse then crack. Or heroin. It's so much worse. He's addicting. And I can't quit him. But honestly? I don't ever want to. But I'm just so very tired.

I get close to someone, to push them away. I get scared. And I run. I become the crazy chick just so they'll leave me alone. I drive them away. Because I’m broken. And no one truly loves the broken girl. And the broken girl still loves too much. And maybe that’s our problem. We can’t take when people love us. Because it makes no sense. But then again it makes no sense that we do this. I'm not a bright and shiny person. But I've found someone who has helped me see that maybe I don't have to be miserable. I deserve happiness. And it almost makes me optimistic until I realize the person I'm in love with? Wants someone else. And then I go back to Step One. And I remember that I will always be in love with him. Despite everything else.