#brokencas

As you did for me... #danilook is now going to be a thing.

#danilook...

The part where I was talking about you are number one... I've told others this who stress about who and what people say about you and others... That's highschool bullshit, you only need to worry about yourself and your opinion...

My biggest problem for the longest time was saying "I" "Me" "Myself"... etc... I had such a problem talking about myself. Call it humble, call it humility, or call it social discomfort. I wasn't comfortable talking about myself, despite understanding what I was doing was all well and good. It was all impressive... I wasn't comfortable with being impressive. Aka, could not handle a compliment. I don't know if this relates to you. However, I find a lot of people who kind of deal with this same sort of anxiety. The solution is a simple phrase... This phrase has power to it, in the hands of evil it's bad. In the hands of someone with no self-control turns someone into a self-centered douchebag. (I'm on that path! I know I am!) What I learned though:

"Fuck Everybody."

Simple phrase... Designed not to say everyone else is meaningless and shit, but rather that they are always number two. If they do not make you happy or keep you from your dreams... Fuck 'em... They don't belong in your circle. The age of internet allows people to easily control the people involved in your inner circle. So to say fuck everybody doesn't mean you are the only one that matters... Rather that you say fuck everyone who doesn't support you... Anyways, it's kind of a mantra I run. It empowers me to include people who positively influence my life. This also gives me power in bringing people in and pushing people out. I know that if someone does not fit into my life, I can push them on the edge, and be ready to push them off the cliff... It means I have the power to keep important people close, and the rest... figuratively in the hole of a deep canyon somewhere. 

Anyways the general idea supports. "I am first." or "I come first." I'm still primarily interested in helping people in work first. I'm still focused on helping people in distress. I'm still interested in getting things done that don't directly relate to me... I'm just more comfortable talking about myself, able to focus on my needs, and able to move away from social fuckheads. 

I obviously still care for others. They just have to matter to me... It's kind of dark, but it's not hard to be a part. I have the power/control to protect myself. Anyways, this is how I deal. You're like 75% famous. You probably know all this. Best wishes. Also, you can e-mail me like anytime and i'll get back asap. You know it's all good. I'd give you my number, but we're supposed to be professional and shit. As for tumblr, wutevs...

please understand i'm trying to code this so websites dont randomly add me to spam list...

coc...1324xasdasd245.....hra.......83qrqr6456.....ne.jp.......13ghjsdfg2456...@gma........74734737259hsfhs2349asdf234976571.........il.com

numbers/periods don't matter, minus e.j... that's legit.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU:

This is supposed to be a response to your post, in private, but so much of your life is public and available. So much was on your sleeve and ready to be seen. I have seen what was written on your arm, what could be written on your wrist, what is a cry out for attention. Please understand the poetry.

A cry for attention is not a negative thing. A cry for attention is a cry for help, a cry of a source or an outlet, or a cry to just get a point across. I think you're trying to get a point across, to get your cry for help out, a cry to just be heard. I need you to understand one thing right now, I'm listening. I am standing tall, with both ears open wide, with ears like an elephant, folded out to catch as much sound as possible. I need to say so much, it's why i made my own "blog" to express it, to get this across. I can't do it in 250 characters so I'm making this for you. This blog is for you. 

First off, in general, based on your one blog post. Fighting happiness in the hope of denying further sadness is a silly activity. Think in terms of a flow chart, gear, or cycle. Anything that requires choices. You will EASILY see the fault in this line of thinking. Basically in a cyclical representation. If you focus on the negative and draw towards the negative, and ignore the positive you move further towards the negative. Your next move will move towards more negativity. You move around between two choices on extreme sides of a circle. Positive and Negative. If every time you see negative ideas you agree with, agree with, and try and jump on, you move further away from positive things. Whereas if you think positive, move towards positive ideas and thoughts, and gravitate towards positive thinking; positive things will happen. It seems as though you have been thinking positively and you have made a positive change in your life. It seems as you move further towards the positive the negative seems to have more of a say in your life. Don't fucking listen to that shit. Positive is power.

There is nothing attractive about a negative person. A negative person is focused on negative things happening to them, whereas a positive person is focused on good things that happen. Opposites attract is a bullshit expression. If anything it is a rarity. I know specific examples where it makes sense, but they are both positive people. Negative people do not attract positive people. Negative people tend to bring people down. Mental Health is more attractive than physical appearance. Anyone who brings you down because of their own problems isn't your responsibility. Anyone who brings you down because you aren't their definition of beauty isn't worth your time. Anyone that doesn't let you know how amazing you are in their life is someone who needs help in understanding that you are. If they negate your life, if they deny your perspective completely, or if they deny your help... they either don't respect you or they don't appreciate what you have done for them. Don't forget, just wait. Time heals all wounds, and in some cases... they need more help than you can deliver. 

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This is what I wrote up in an attempt of clearing thoughts... I'm responding in kind to your lines at this point... Was trying to be helpful... i'm done with that. I've been thinking on how to respond to this proper and now i'm fucking it all up so this is...

New response initiative:

You: I’m feeling things I haven’t felt in almost a decade….

Me: Okay cool is that good or bad?

You: .. and I’m scared… and I don’t know how to reach out..

Me: Okay that could be good or bad, reach out = bad though so how do i read into this... maybe I should read a  little further.

You: I’ve had to be so strong, so focused, so “stoic” this year to get done what needed getting done…

Me: Okay so you're rocking a bit of the I've been trying to be good and I don't think it's paying off vibe. You've been trying to get ahead to get out of any shit you've been dealing with to move on and deal, but it may or may not be paying off.

You: The realization that came flooding over me tonight, that despite everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve “gained” through  what’s happened this year… through trying to be a good person..I will end up alone…

Me: Okay, I've only known you for like maybe a month and so much has changed for you that i've seen. I can't even right now. I don't fully understand what's up and can't begin to understand. But I know that the last month for you has been a complete mix of things. Your career has completely switched directions and you don't necessarily get it yet. Whether it's what you want to do, or something that's a step towards something greater.  Whether it's a blip on your map, or whether it's going somewhere in your future. Whether you realize what a year is or what a decisive decision has provided for your future. 

As per end up alone, holy shit, you really are throwing a long pass on that one. One year of hard work and BOOM, the remainder of the 50+ years of your life are SOLO? One thing: How awesome is not having to put up with someones bullshit for 50 years? and the other: How awesome is not having to complain about that fucking toilet seat being up?  Seriously though, running solo has it's perks. You get to choose your friends and keep them. You get to be like "nah fuck you i wanna chill at home and do my own thing." (masterbate) you get to be like: "nah fuck thanksgiving" or "Instead of having turkey at easter I can make a ham that has scallops wrapped with bacon stuffed inside of a turkey stuffed inside of the ham, and if anyone cares they can... wait no one is here so i get to be in food heaven....." I dunno I see nothing but good here. (Your own fantasies applied). The other thing is, how the fuck you end up alone. One year of your life is like... less than a tenth... At age one, a tenth of your life was spent drinking milk at the discretion of a human being in this world. Luckily your mother. Now at a tenth of your life your barely potty trained. Look how much a couple years impacted your life. How's shitting outside a diaper? What i'm saying is one year is nothing... 

You: I’m angry.. for all the things illnesses have stolen from me.. any tiny speck of “beauty” I had is gone… my body full of scars..my hair past saving (if I even had any beauty  to begin with.. ?)..and that people have stolen from me.. being able to trust … and to feel that I am worthy of love and happiness..

Me: You should be angry, cause what the fuck. Your anger however, should not deter you from seeking a greater thing. You were tested by fate, god, imaginary ghosts. Who the fuck cares. (I'm atheist btw as well). What illness you have I don't know, what challenges you've had, what "beauty" you have had I don't know. I know you as you are today and you are not ugly. You are a passionate individual who has options in her life. Who faces challenges daily. You are someone who isn't going to back out when "the going gets tough." You are strong, you succeed, you are a beacon of hope for those facing similar issues. You have passed the test and are moving forward. How are you not a positive person to focus on. How are you not an example of someone capable of handling difficult situations. If anything these challenges should make you stronger. You are strong because of your past and your past makes you sexy. Forget image, forget beauty, forget anything else a magazine tells you to be. Be yourself, be passionate, and be an inspiration for others and beauty will follow without a doubt. You weren't stolen from... You were tested. Move past the negative and into the positive.

You: but the anger is nothing compared to the depth of sadness, loneliness and despair I feel , at the endless expanse of solitude I see in front of me…. I have so much love to give , but no one who wants it

Me: I feel like I covered this... Only thing is... Give it time, some people are dealing with the same shit as you. Some people have the same self-doubt or self-hatred as you do. Some people have similar expectations and just can't deal. Some people think they can't approach because it will cause problems... Some people just can't even. (yes that part is sarcastic white gurlll) So many people have problems loving theirselves and can hardly afford another. Some people are ready to love another but still don't love themselves. Some people don't understand that loving yourself is an important step in understanding loving another person.

You: my heart has suddenly, minutely, started to open up to this feeling again…. but I am tormented by self-hatred, self doubt, and fear of being hurt that I will soon start violently trying to shut that tiny opening back up to save myself the pain which I know is coming anyways. I want to believe people are different than I see them, but I haven’t really been proven otherwise as of yet.

Me: Listen to your heart. Ignore the negative, because negative is wrong. Fuck your self and fucking love your face. Seriously. You are number one, always. If you love something more than yourself but hate your life, and do everything for another person, and want to end your existance but support another idea, are you really helping? You are going to wish an end to yourself. This is wrong. You need to appreciate your life and move forward. Then you can support others. Learn to love thyself, then learn to love others. If you cannot love thyself, you cannot love others. (If you can't say i'm fucking cool shit, then your gonna hate yourself for not being cool shit). Love something for being awesome, because you support it being awesome. Things you love should be an extension of yourself. If this isn't true... Find something else to love. Listen to your heart. It is not the dumbest muscle in your body. It affects so much. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. I think you have passion in what you love. Just keep doing it. It seems like you have people who aspire to be like you or aspire to do what you. Keep it up!

You: I cried all the way home from work tonight.

Me: Give it time.. Everything needs time. Some people face the same issues as you. Some people might not be able to recipricate as fast. Some people might have too much on their plates. Give it time and express yourself. The ones who matter will stay. The ones who don't will leave.