Tough day. Physically and emotionally.Ā
Iām sorry I didnāt make that post of one of the boxes Iād foundĀ like I planned. The only few minutes I had to do it in couldnāt get online. Of course. I will try to post it in a few minutes, but the computer chair is full of stuff andmy feet are killing me.....
The floor fell some more while I was trying to carry out an arm load of heavy books. The plank under me shot out under the house snd down I went. My first thought wasĀ āWow! I didnāt drop the books!!!ā Then it wasāOw!!!ā That sting/bite on my arm was already huge and swollen, freakish so the arm looks like Popeye or something. So what did I hit???? My arm! Naturally. Oh, I got a few bruises too, but all the gear I wear on my feet/ankles helped protect me.
Mom looked down at me in surprise, when she came after hearing my cursing. Why was she shocked? Iāve been telling her that could happen at any time andit is only going to get worse. Thatās why I wonāt let her go into my room to help there. Too dangerous. But if she wants to help, the rest of the house has to go too and the living room is 90% her, Pop and my grandparents....but sheād rather read and ask if Iām ready to take a load to her house every half hour. Mom says she isnāt trying to rush me. I tell her Iām not rushing because of her, Iām racing the floor....
At the same time, the house is like archeology, all in layers. Iāve reached ancient times...the back corner bookcases. My most cherished childhood books. The remains if the Carl Barks duck comics Pop had as a boy and gave me when I was little. TheĀ Haunted New England book he read to me as bedtime stories, to Momās horror, full of moody photos. AĀ notebook Iād carried everywhere in school, like a lifeline with the story I was writing, sketches for costumes , etc ( I wrote on the frontĀ āpersonal -Do NOT read, but if you do,Ā donāt ever tell anyone, especially me!!!!!ā) The book Ms Magazine put out reprinting Wonder Woman comics my parents gave me at 4 or 5 and Mom taped together for me when it started to fall apart.Ā Liza Lou and the Yeller Belly Swamp!!!! Pop read that once with his own annotations that were so hilarious we all falling over laughing, Mom included, while he stayed straight faced. (And he had a point...maybe the mother WAS trying to kill the girl!) He never would read it again, but it is a favorite memory for all of us. Piles of albums of fading photos (where DID we get them printed???? Terrible fading on some recent one!) My first copy of Alice in Wonderland, Ā the book I picked to be my firstĀ ārealā book the day I pulled that science book off Popās shelf and realized that I could look up any word I didnāt understand, and look up any word in the definition....I could read ANYTHING. Stuart Little ,read next, thatĀ Ā inspired six year old me to make a matchbox bed for Staurt next to mine. ThereĀ is so much, and most of it connects too deeply.
I keep remembering that little girl. The younger she was the brighter she was. Little Stephanie was smart, imaginitive, brave, kind, funny...I mean she was pretty amazing. I think I love her and she breaks my heart. Ā Iām none of the things I was at four. Bit by bit I let it all go. Iām not really her anymore. I hate the adult Stephanie so much. How did this happen?
******sigh********
Tomorrow will be a hard day too.
