Untitled Suits Me

Since around the last time I posted I mentioned my worries that I would face complications working on the plumbing (hence my procrastinating posting about it rather than working)….yeah, there were. Of course. I won’t bore you with all the difficulties. Suffice to say, while I was able to work out a way to do that original goal, I have now discovered a bunch more. Some involve broken pipes in the damn wall, others will require crawling under the house, and all will require buying more things.

And to think I thought I would finally have things halfway usable if I only fixed this one thing….

***sigh***

Now there is some good news. We got some rain for a few hours. Judging by the pool maybe even half an inch. It won’t really win’t knock us out of a drought, BUT it does mean I won’t have to haul water to things like the azalea bushes for a few days. I sure hope it saves some of the small trees and bushes that had really suffered. So many even big trees had been just dropping leaves, it was getting disturbing. It’s not like I could haul water to all of them!

The rain did make my internet worse. It went to flickering on and off so much I couldn’t really use it. Now that it’s drying out it works better. So that’s something else to worry about.

Actually, you do NOT want to know all the things I’ve got to worry about.

Old stuff (no job, money, pet troubles, floor collapse worsening, every bit of tech glitching worse, the gutter and drainage at the house in town sending ALL under the kitchen, the endless plumbing probs, blah, blah, blah).

New stuff (why is the truck making that noise, oh look that limb is trying to peel the roof off every time it blows, my crappy boots are wrecked such I hurt almost too much to stand…um..standing, the bottom of the driveway has gotten so worn by the truckers parking on the shoulder so I can’t get out my driveway without bumping, it turns out that beam on the back building has rotted through, the charging cable for something I depend on has broken with the metal bit coming off inside the damn port, etc, etc, etc)

I want to go to the woods, but it’s turning out to be near impossible. No time! Too much to do! I squeeze in a walk a couple times a week, but then it’s like a forced march. Ignore the heat and deer flies/mosquito, just normal this time of year. And even ignore my feet/ankles are in agony. I have to walk fast, REALLY fast, because I need to get back to work on this and take care of that, and I have to get so much done before dark and…..So the walk becomes a chore like brushing my teeth, if I didn’t brush my teeth often enough and were in pain after I was done.

I want to write! Damn it all, I had some REALLY good ideas (if I do say so myself)! But it’s like I don’t have the space left in my head. I’m really relating to my poor computer’s memory being over filled with photos. I’m whirring away, but thinking at a crawl and all the images are coming up as blanks.

I want to sculpt at least! But I get to the end of the day (which doesn’t happen till almost 9pm this time of year) and I’ve “indoor stuff”/chores/paperwork crap and then….I’m exhausted and it’s 11, but I still have to heat water to washes the dishes and fuck I’m not getting bed until 1am again….And I can’t start sculpting when I have twenty minutes and nowhere I can put it if I don’t finish. Besides I’m just too tired….

I MUST finish that damn box I have to paint. It’s not high art. Or low art, or art at all. It’s just a doodle. Maybe a doodle reflecting my mood, but still a doodle. But i feel I have to finish it. I can’t die and leave it partly painted.

TBH, the “finish before you die” thing is kinda how I’m feeling lately. I have to finish this. Repair that. Even things like eating food in the freezer and all my jars of jelly have a sort of “well, no point in saving that any longer. I could die any time” feel. Usually this is how I’d feel before a trip, when I’d clean house and make sure everything was in order just in case I died. Now I feel it every day, constantly. I’m not sick or anything, and I’m not quote wanting to die, you understand, but it feels sort of like death is waiting patiently beside me for when I run out of …..

Of what? Ways to stay alive, I guess. Whatever that ends up meaning. Body failing, obviously, but it might mean just running out of avenues for survival. Body but also, for lack of a better word, soul survival. I can see a time where life might become so painful, so joyless, so hopeless, so….so everything bleak, that dying might actually finally become a viable option.

I never thought I’d feel that way.

As a teen one of my teachers came to the conclusion I was suicidal based on my class journal. She kept me after class for a lecture, one that TBH would NOT have helped if she had been right. Nothing like being told off for being depressed and negative to make you feel worse about yourself. But I wasn’t wanting to die, at all, and her lecture actually made me angry. I came back to my friends and fumed “I’m NOT suicidal, I’m HOMICIDAL!!!!” She’d been assuming I felt despair rather than rage.

Anger. Rage. Quietly, smilingly, wanting to “Hulk Smash!” Channeling all my frustration, all my pain, all my depression into a furious determination to defiantly scream “Fuck you universe! I’m gonna keep going!!” I didn’t want to die, I wanted the causes of suffering to die.

Besides, there was always my imagination and curiosity. As long as I could dream up things, make things, explore things, try new things, as long as my brain could find a next thing even if the next thing was just ideas being smashed about like a child playing with dolls, as long as I was eager to find out “what happens next” in the story of the world, how could anyone EVER want to die? I could be locked in a cell, tortured, miserable in every bodily way, and yet my mind would want to live….

But I didn’t count on an end to my dreams, or at least the time to focus on them, and I certainly didn’t count on reaching a point I honestly don’t care what comes next for the world. I used to have “they save the world” fantasies, but now, fuck it, let the world burn. Death to humanity. Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t even care whether or not I care….

Sorry.