#broken clocks

I had a thing for dirty shoes since I was ten, loved dirty men alike.

SZA - Broken Clocks

[Read Full Chapter on AO3!] [Chapter 01]

The bank stood firm under his boots. Most of Main Street’s shops were shuttered. The snow blew like static.

Mysterion let the wind whip his jawline raw. His hood was a far cry from the comfort of his childhood parka. His breath steamed the air and his chest was tight with the ache of everything left undone.

Somewhere, a siren split through the evening’s thrum. South Park was a town full of trouble and boredom.

And him, perched in between.

He thumbed his radio. Static and Kyle’s clipped updates fizzed in one ear. He let the tension spool through his gloved fingers. He wanted trouble, the kind that needed breaking. Something that could help him choose.

Tonight the town didn’t bite. Instead, his own mind ambushed him.

Sunlight. Snow. Bleachers.

Kenny, 16, was stretched long and lazy over the metal, boots kicked up because back then he didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. He blew out a cloudy puff of smoke as he waited for Stan.

It wasn’t Stan who found him.

halfway to halfway or happy imbolg imaginary constructs

Dear friend,

I think we are all seeing all of the collective crash outs across the world of pent up frustration with a system we did not create

i too have been feeling weird. not necessarily happy but not boo hoo crying. but a quiet displeasure. and after watching daniel hentschel rant. it reminded me of myself a couple of days pior. I was really in a bad place. And I found myself not wanting anything.

Which is the way I’ve been feeling for a while. I don’t have a passion for anything, right now life to me feels empty. I’m living in scarcity. Which reminded me of fantastic Mr. Fox.

Right now I’m in high school which might be a shock to some of you. But I’m not oblivious to what my future holds. I grew up poor, dirt poor (i was trailer park trash fr) but in my life, I never knew anything for certain.

I didn’t know if I was gonna be married. I didn’t know if I was gonna have kids. I didn’t know if I was gonna have a dream job. I didn’t know if I was gonna be happy.

But I knew one thing

I wasn’t going to be poor

Right now, I dread waking up in the morning and stressing about my online classes. SAT, dual enrollment, college, my essays. And I think what is it all for?

I hate school, I love education, but I hate the idea of going to school. I know I have to go to college because that’s the way that first generation kids get out.

But I don’t want to, I am going to. But I don’t have the passion, the drive, and it makes me look around at others who want this life and this future. And it makes me think to myself. Do I deserve to be there?

I look at the next six years of my life. And all I see is bleak. Six years of my life was wasted doing something I don’t want to do. For what? A diploma and a degree in a bump in the statistic for educated black women?

What am I getting out of doing this in my life? What am I getting out of not living for me? What am I getting out of this?

I get not having to stress over having clothes or putting food on the table. Or for the welfare of the people that I care about.

My life is not mine

You know we’re all slaves or something

Some people are slaves to power

Some slaves to freedom

Others or slaves to love

But we’re all slaves to corporations

We’re all slaves to the part that we play

But I’m a slave to fear

I fear not having enough, I fear having to go hungry, I fear having holes in my shoes, I fear having no flooring in my home.

I live in scarcity

In that mindset, the only thing that matters to you is living in abundance.

Abundance of food, abundance of friendship, abundance of choice, abundance of love.

But is wasting six years of my life the only thing that’s gonna get me there

I don’t know why I’m asking a question that I know the answer to

I’m going to college

I’m going to be unhappy for six years

But I don’t wanna live in a hole anymore

I don’t want to be judged for not being passionate

I don’t wanna be judged for not knowing what I wanna do

I don’t wanna be judged for not having a clear picture on the future

Because I dreaded the future

I dread the debt

I dread the outcome

I dread looking back and realizing that I wasted my time

My life

You know, I skipped grades when I was in eighth grade

Because I feared wasting my time in a place where I didn’t feel happy. I had this plan back in sixth grade and I hated the people I was around.

So I skipped the grades, and I’m happy I made that decision because I know I would’ve regretted it if I didn’t.

But now that I’ve seen the view from ground

And is it better than being in the hole?

The best years of my life was when I was poor

There’s true happiness in it

But I don’t wanna live in this hole anymore

I don’t know what’s keeping me here

My mindset, the dread, nostalgia

For what?

After six years, I’ll belong to the government

I’ll be paying six different insurances

That have no meaning to me, unless in the case of what if

I’ll be driving, Lord knows I hate driving

For what?

For the security of wealth

I know I sound like a whiny little bitch right now

Some people will tell me that i am just different and i am taking a different path in life.

But i don’t want to be different

But I feel like I’m wasting my life away

But I have no desire to do anything, but just that

It all seems so meaningless to me

At one point in my life, I use love as this great passionate affair to me. Something that I could keep my eye on something that was constantly around me. But I’m at the point of my life where love has gotten me nowhere.

I thought love could change me and give my life meaning

Then I thought I could only give myself that meaning

But I can’t give myself anything

If I know, I’ll be miserable for six years for what a lifetime of happiness

Doing what?

What will I be happy doing for the rest of my life?

Slaving at a job that I have no ambition at

Chasing love?

Chasing the highs that I get from alcohol and drugs?

For laughs over the phone with my friends

I don’t wanna live like this

But I don’t know how, I don’t know if I can

And this year is supposed to be one of the most important years in my life

And I just can’t bring myself to give a damn

I only care about being perceived as a smart person who is emotionally, intelligent, and who is fantastic and is a prodigy. But I’m not that person and it kills me to understand that.

And now that I do understand that it takes the meaning away from me.

What am I if I’m not fantastic?

What is life if I end up, coldhearted, desperate, and money hungry?

What would like my life amount to if I end up, happy, poor and stressed?

Like my mother and her mother and my grandmother?

But who am I to deny myself and experience that others before me didn’t get to have?

I don’t wanna die with regrets

But I don’t wanna live miserably

Most of all, I just don’t wanna live in a hole anymore

Check out Abundant Mind for more poems like this. 😊 The link is also pinned to my page.