#bringthebacon

For a little over a year, I have been spending most of my time focusing most or all of my energy on myself.

I’ve been taking care of myself physically and emotionally—and entirely by myself.

My family loves me, I have pals—and I’ve been making an effort to make a lot of new friends, yes, but I don’t really feel like I have anyone to “rely” on.  

When I started realizing this, it sort of bummed me out—I have dealt with a lot this year—but now I see not having anyone but myself to rely on has only made me stronger and more prepared to take on the world.

I do exactly what I want to with my time. I have a fulltime job, and in my off-time, I’ve been writing, drawing, reading, watching the movies and shows I want to watch. I play my guitar whenever I want to. I eat whatever I want to eat. I go to bed whenever I want. I wash my face if I want to. I lay in bed in whatever shape I want to bend into. I hang out with whoever I want to hang out with, whenever I want to, and I am really, really making a concerted effort to not care at all what anyone is thinking or saying about me. Because ~you don’t know me~.  

And, turns out, I’m really, really happy.

But let’s be clear: And those who really know me well know that I haven’t always been happy and I am not happy 100% of the time. There are still days I get really, really bummed out, sometimes by the smallest things. Being on my own forces me to keep that to myself most of the time and deal with it in healthy ways.

What I mean by saying I am happy is that I am overall happy, in a way that I don’t think I have been since I was a carefree 7-year-old. Honestly.

I think it’s entirely because: I am putting myself first. And it needs to be that way. Both in selfish ways and  in not-selfish ways.

I truly believe there is a way to be selfish in a way that is productive and good for those around you—as long as you are aware that the way you are treating yourself affects how you treat others.

When you care for yourself, it ripples out.

My line of work requires me to donate a lot of physical, mental, and emotional energy to people who need it—young kids. If I’m not careful my sense of compassion can get the best of me, exhaust me, and cause me to absorb a lot of other people’s energy—which is inherently unhealthy.

There is a phrase that I love to quote but don’t know where it came from. “Be the person you needed when you were younger.” I’ve started learning how to see the kids I work with as fractals of myself. That helps me to be more in tune with them emotionally and gentle.  It helps me to see myself in these kids so that I can navigate their needs better.

That’s not egotistical. It’s practicing compassion.

I have loads of compassion. Focusing on myself doesn’t change that.

Focusing on myself means I have had to put up a lot of emotional shields and I’ve had to take a step back from a lot of my relationships.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love these people, it just means their energy or the way they were treating me was ultimately bad for my mental health. Being compassionate, I am not one to cut people out of my life.

If you aren’t in my life, it’s your own decision. Either you walked out on me or you weren’t treating me in a way I need the people in my life to treat me.

One thing I’ve always known about myself though, and it has only proven truer and truer the better I get at being selflessly selfish: