🔪 Darla's Journals ♥

I think I agree with most of this but #6 is a platitude people say when they are succeeding and want other people to be happy for them. Or when they don’t have a reason to resent someone’s success. If someone treats you unfairly, isn’t it your right to create a boundary in which you don’t pay attention to their life/work? Don’t allow their energy to invade your space? 

IDK, it seems nice but it also just seems like a trap to make you feel like a bad person for knowing your own worth. 

The word ”community” is totally lost on me. To explain this would constitute an entire book, but let's just narrow it down right now: I do a lot of things but I don’t feel like I ‘belong’ anywhere in Chicago socially. I don’t feel appreciated and cherished and part of a community or chosen family in the way I would want to and/or the way I deserve to, based on this idea that ‘community is what holds us together.’ I have put so much energy into encouraging others passions and trying to be a welcome, helpful person, but I don’t get included so often in ‘communities’ I practically feel invisible within them.

I have individual friends who see me and appreciate me, don't get me wrong, that's how I know the difference, but as a member of a “community, ” I don’t feel grounded or safe. I have friends --but I don’t have”family” in this city; I sincerely don't know anyone other than my partner who would rush me to the hospital in an emergency.

I have no problem being alone, in fact, I enjoy it and need it for a certain amount of time. My ability to be happy alone helps me stand in my power in certain ways but it leaves me feeling very mentally, emotionally unstable in others.

There's so much underneath this-- some of it extremely petty drama (my honest to God fault in some cases and in others gossip, people choosing to hold things against me without having healthy, let's-see-both-sides communication w/ me), some of it my own closing people out (often to protect myself), all of it, even the assumptions, pretty clearly products of my mood disorder-- and it doesn’t feel like something that can be fixed necessarily. I put myself out there a lot so it's not for a lack of trying, I just often feel unwanted, sometimes afraid to even show up. I know that some of this is based on extremely childish competitiveness. Otherwise I know it's not because everyone thinks I’m boring. But it might just be that people don't like me as a person, for whatever reasons; either way, isn’t a community bond supposed to transcend this? Or are people that no one likes, understands, or are threatened by just supposed to live their lives alone, outside the margins? Looking in the window? Don’t get me wrong-- I don't want to be in a cult or a clique-- but this doesn't seem very kind or progressive...

I've tried to figure this out. I’ve gone inward, I’ve worked on myself based on others critiques, I've addresses my own ability to be a good friend or an aggressive, annoying asshole, and it seems like nothing is ever good enough for anyone. I am either missing opportunities for great friendships or I am a great friend to the wrong people-- people who don’t love me.

Now I am a very community minded person-- I believe in collaboration and know explicitly I am a good team member-- but I sincerely don’t feel like I am often allowed to be. Being in ‘community’ requires breaking into one, proving oneself, being accepted. How are we supposed to challenge power structures, model the future we want and deserve, if certain types of energetic people with vision aren't even allowed into the hive? I see this happen to other people with similar vibrations as mine.

I know so many people, I love and do so many things, I have a lot of love to give, but I am unable to do this safely and authentically for or in a ‘community.’ So I hide.

Re: hottest take: 

People referring to cancel culture right now in whatever this “debate” is are not using clear vocabulary. You can’t call “cancel culture” good or bad when it refers to an entire spectrum of behaviors/reactions. 

This is the dichotomy and very much my opinion. Let me know what you think. Agree /disagree? Anything to add?

Productive/Good

Boycotting a business that mistreats employees, patrons, or believes in causes you strongly disagree w/

Protesting the violence of humans, protesting the mistreatment of people

Critiquing opinions you disagree with and accepting critique in return

“Accountability,” as in a person takes responsibility for harm they’ve caused, apologizes, grows/learns from experience 

Discussing disagreements without resorting to threats/violence (this isn’t really ‘canceling,’ its more of an alternative)

Taking an oppressive force to task through any of these measures! 

Encouraging people w/ abusive behavior to seek therapy, holding boundaries w/ them

Harmful/Bad

Harassing/bullying individuals by excessively tagging & emailing them/their followers online. 

Sending death threats via email/tweet

Shaming/Reducing a person’s behavior to a description of their character 

Gossiping, sharing hearsay without knowing/considering/mentioning the larger context of a situation/atmosphere

Doxxing, sharing private information, addresses, phone numbers 

Ostracizing someone so they have no outlet/avenues for personal growth 

Ever since I started putting myself out there as an adult-- writing, recording my songs, drawing cartoons, being a teacher, whatever it is-- there have always been people talking shit, not believing in me/ignoring my work or ideas, and even some trying to tear me down or make other ppl dislike me (rumors, weird assumptions, you name it). I've seen it all in the last decade (legitimately I don't remember ppl being this petty in high school) and I’m not surprised by any of it but I am still at a loss for why people are like this.

Now I’m a human & I’m not a perfect one, and I can't be everything but I am and try to be a source of good for others, and I know this. Sure I've had unhealthy relationships, but I work to fix them or remove myself from them. Sure I've made mistakes and done things I regret and have remorse over; but I apologize, work to change & not wallow in shame.

As a special education teacher, my entire job is to listen to people, to make things work, to make learning objectives and materials accessible to everyone. My job and what I believe is what I’m called to do to help other people. I collaborate with other teachers who sometimes don't really want ”suggestions” or ”questions” or to cooperate with building in alternatives for diverse learners. I work with students (teenagers) who can be difficult & think they know everything. But at the end of the day the point of my work is rooted in love.

A few years ago I social media unfriended a handful of people who I had considered friends because they were friends with my ex & had not reached out to me or come to any of my thousands of events even once for two years after we broke up (but did prior to the break up). They saw that my ex had clearly moved on with a mutual friend & presumably chose who was more important to them. I feel like these unfriendings may have come across as petty but I also feel that if anyone deemed our relationship important enough, they would have inquired or made any minimal effort to stay connected. (That’s what I do when I care about someone. I have conversations & I make effort 🤷🏼‍♀️.) So the bottom line is, drawing a boundary helped me figure out who I mean anything to & mostly it helped me love myself. I’m kicking ass in my life so I know it worked.

In the last ten years, I have worked my ass off and accomplished a shitload. I wrote and recorded somewhere between 80 to 100 songs. Played hundreds and hundreds of shows. Started a newspaper. Taught special ed in some of the toughest classrooms in the country. Got into a really good groove with my writing. Learned how to cook. Traveled as much as I could afford. Paid off my student loan debt (yet still believe in debt forgiveness!). Learned how to move on from relationships that don't serve me. Learned how to accept rejection. Learned why it's important to not care if I am misinterpreted (or even lied about). Learned to avoid people who will potentially be bad for my wellbeing. Started going to therapy once a week. Began the process of correcting some behavioral and personality flaws. Learned how to love myself daily. Learned how to relax (& sleep) for fucks sake. 

Sometimes I had a lot of support, sometimes I didn't have any. But I've landed in a good place emotionally and I'm grateful for the people in my life who truly love me and who let me love them. So I guess I'm just gonna keep keeping on? Watch out world? An honest, hardworking person with a lot of ideas is going to keep working toward their goals and loving people while working on forgiveness, listening, and trying to make the world a more equitable place in their professional and creative life? 

I’ve had to learn so many dark lessons over the last few years about trust, friendship, & community.

All I’ve ever wanted during my time in Chicago is to build collectively, to nurture relationships, to respect, feel respected, and allow creativity to be the conduit. I’ve tried to make this happen in so many ways & hit a lot of walls along the way. When so many of my personal relationships broke down these last few years, my response was to totally isolate myself. When friends & loved ones wronged me or dropped me for things I wronged them over, I always apologized, but I didn’t keep showing up or trying resolve issues, I just walked away or cut them out. This was a really new thing for me to do. It has not been easy, but it’s given me space. And in that space, I’ve grown.

We are all constantly connected on these soap-shaped computers, it’s an addiction we have, and frankly, it’s not all that healthy. In my separation from the social communities & groups & cliques in Chicago that I’ve always felt like a floater in anyway (I still have a job where collective responsibility is a thing), I do productive things & unproductive things. But mostly I work on projects & do a lot of introspection.

Me two years ago, after an inconsiderately-handled ice cold break up, my cat dying, my band ending abruptly, my emotionally-demanding job burning me out, some fake friends, drinking too much, & a lifetime of depression:

Me, working to correct those things— through regular therapy, self-monitoring & a few awesomely supportive friends— now that I know my worth & who actually cares about me:

Once I found myself, I lost all the people who were no longer meant to be part of my life.

And in losing, I opened up space for the activities and people who are.

I lost people who used me, didn’t quite understand me, gaslit me, didn’t accept my misgivings, and pointed fingers at me.

I am exhausted by people walking around spreading half-truths & everyone just believing there’s only one side to a story. It sincerely makes me question how communities can be positive environments for handling conflict & encouraging people to be their best, healthiest selves.

Something I seriously try to come to terms with on a regular basis is: I love humanity, I love a lot of people, but communities & the cliques within them terrify me. They are capable of so much good on one hand, but so much unconsciousness & evil on another.

As far as I go - I’m a warm & reasonable person who is accountable for my own actions. I always have been. You can be accountable, work hard on your toxic traits while still recognizing that conflicts are dynamic & not just one-sided.

I’ve had to learn over the last few years to really stop caring what people think about or think they know about me. (people say some wild shit.)

If you haven’t heard both sides of a story, then you only know part of the truth. People are always talking shhtuff & pointing fingers.

I try to be good to & available for people, but I’ve ended up having to shut so many people out lately. I’ve stopped trying with people who drop me or see me through a side-eye & don’t want the best for me.

Let’s act like the people we are asking others to be: compassionate, thoughtful, welcoming.

Why don’t we take compassion into our own hands and talk to people tactfully before judging or jumping to conclusions? Doesn’t everyone need support? We all deserve the humanity.

On Scorpio season & some of its most chilling lessons:

These last two & a half years were an enormous transformation period for me. I “lost” so much I had been working so hard to maintain— friendships, a band, a partnership, a healthy worklife, projects, my sanity— and it seemed when it couldn’t get any worse or hurt more, it did. Many times I turned around, I encountered another betrayal or disappointment. I encountered people misunderstanding me & getting frustrated with me for expressing my feelings. I experienced people not accepting my sincerest apologies for mistakes. Several times I tried to forge new friendships that turned out to hold more painful lessons. I experienced a handful of people I thought I gave kindness & generosity & understanding to just not returning it to me.

In my heart, all I wanted was to love & feel loved.

I knew I had work to do: I admit I was extraordinarily sensitive to a point of taking everything personally. I was pushy & had high expectations & standards for myself & others. Sure I said dumb shit. Sure I did dumb shit. I let things bottle up & let them out in unhealthy ways. I spiraled negatively & over-expressed my feelings.

I try to treat people fairly. I apologize — and mean it — when I wrong or hurt someone, I put in the work to grow, & seek out reconciliation when I can. I accept apologies. I know I have hurt people at different times but I’ve never been cruel or ignorant or harmful on purpose. I forgive others’ faults even when they don’t apologize or realize they’ve harmed me. I put in a lot of work to change the negative qualities I recognize in myself, I try to use my talents to do good work & exude a positive or inspirational light, while keeping my hands open for others.

At some point I began to see though: many other people don’t do these things or care that I do. Some people even begrudge me for making the effort.

In the process of accepting this painful realization, I’ve had to create boundaries I never thought I’d need with certain people. Petty ones. Social media unfriending & blocking. Ignoring people in public spaces. Things I never thought I would do. Things that feel more high school than my actual high school experience. I had to crawl into a shell & cut people out. I stopped chasing & making effort with people who weren’t treating me in ways that felt good. I stopped giving pieces of myself to people who weren’t seeing me or helping me to love myself in some way. I closed myself off completely to so many people I had previously laid my heart out for.

It felt counter-intuitive to how I see myself. But I had to do it. I had to say to the universe what I won’t accept & then give myself room emotionally to make a personal transformation.

While I desperately wanted to point fingers at others actions or just blame & get angry with myself, I had to accept that the reason some of these relationships had hurt or failed wasn’t because I’m a bad person or because any of these other people are; it is because the relationships no longer served me. That I needed them to learn certain lessons & then move forward into a space to transcend a self I no longer am. To escape the shell of my own unhealthy patterns & leave it behind me to disintegrate as I forge ahead. I needed the pain & truth that some people just don’t see me or care about me how I want them to. Sometimes people plain don’t like me. I needed to face that pain in order to love myself fiercely the way I do now. And to create space for the people in my life who do love me & continue to earn my love. (My love is enormous; I am a dedicated, fierce & loyal companion; my heart is a strong & tended fortress.)

Once I made that breakthrough, I started to feel much lighter on my path.

Then things I need & want & desire started to fall into place. It doesn’t mean everything will be smooth-sailing from here on out; it just means I can accept the painful lessons as coming at the “right time”. And now that I’ve been able to let go of the past: amazing new things have arrived. As well, what I “lost” has come back to me in the way I truly need it to.

Accepting the pain of loss is one of the most terrifying & difficult tasks we are faced with as humans; but once we do it we begin to recognize some of the many rewards of existing on this endless, everchanging journey. It reinforces our trust with the universe & allows us to look our meanest fears deep in the eye.

It allows us to forgive them. It gives us the strength to be grateful toward them for making us stronger.