#brilliantbanshee

“You’re drooling, Reyes.” 

Carlos startled, dropping his pencil and nearly falling off his chair as he snapped his gaze away from TK. He cleared his throat and looked up just as his own best friend Paul pulled out a chair to sit down next to him. He very well knew that he wasn’t in fact drooling but he couldn’t help but to bring a hand up and wipe at his mouth. Paul watched him, chuckling and shaking his head. 

“You are nauseating.” Paul said as he opened his textbook. “Seriously, it has been two years, isn't this whole thing getting a little petty? If you like the dude, why don’t you just tell him?” 

Carlos didn’t think that sounded like a good idea at all. “Because he’d probably laugh in my face and then reject me. I’m an Austin boy, remember? He doesn’t like Austin boys.” 

“He doesn’t like Austin because he was forced to move here. That was two years ago. The boy has to be over it by now. Besides I highly doubt he’d laugh at you or reject you, if he does, he’s a complete and total idiot.” 

“Awe, don’t talk about yourself like that, Paul.” Carlos felt as his body instantly tensed and heated up at the familiar voice drifting into their conversation. He slowly looked up as TK approached the table with Marjan close behind him. 

“TK, how totally unpleasant it is to see you.” Paul quipped with an icy tone to his voice. 

“Aren’t you just hilarious.” TK’s voice dripped with sarcasm as he spoke and he pulled out a chair to sit down, close enough that Carlos could feel his breathing. “So boys, are you coming to the party tonight?” 

“Are you going to be there?” Carlos asked, making the mistake of looking at him, nearly losing his breath at the sight of TK’s incredible green eyes staring back at him. When TK nodded, Carlos shook his head. “That’ll be a hard pass then, Strand.” 

TK narrowed his eyes at him, but there was a slight hint of a smile on his lips. “What? Do you not like parties unless they are in a barn or something?” 

“Oh wow, that’s a good one, New York.” Carlos said, unable to hold back an eye roll. 

TK popped out his bottom lip into a pout and Carlos had to force himself to look away. What he would give to pull that lip between his teeth. “Aw, is that all you got? No comeback? I’m disappointed, you’re going soft. But don’t worry, I get it, you are too cool for the party.” 

“If we agree to come to the stupid party, will you please leave?” Carlos asked. 

TK pretended to think for a moment before shrugging. “Sure.” 

“Then we’ll come.” Carlos confirmed earning a look of discontent from Paul. He then proceeded to shoo TK away with his hand. “Bye now.” 

“I can’t believe how much of a joy it is to be around you, Reyes.” TK started as he stood up from his chair. “It’s no wonder you just have people flock towards you.” 

Carlos opened his mouth but TK was already turning around and walking towards the exit before he could even get a word out. It took a moment before Paul broke the silence again. 

“He is a menace, tell me again why it is you like him?” 

“I don’t.” Carlos whispered, watching as TK completely disappeared from sight. He very well knew how fake he sounded with that statement. 

“Why did you say that we would go to the party? I thought we were staying in and having a movie night tonight? Besides you hate parties.” 

Carlos shrugged one shoulder. “I know but the dude just knows how to get under my skin and I am not about to let him win.” 

“Petty.” Paul teased in a sing-song tone that made Carlos glare at him. 

“Watch it, Strickland or you’ll be the next one to have a rivalry with me.” Carlos joked as they both stood up from the table, ready to take their final exam for the semester. Carlos just wished that he didn’t have to have TK on his brain at that moment. 

“Seriously though, you should tell him.” Paul whispered as they walked alongside each other, towards the exit of the library. 

“I’m telling you that I don’t like him. I barely feel anything for the guy.” He mumbled back. But he was lying, to Paul and to himself. But he hoped that the more he had said it, the more it would become the truth. 

***

TK walked out of the exam room instantly getting met with a punch to the shoulder, light enough that it wasn’t meant to be malicious but hard enough to make a point. He rubbed at his arm as he turned to find Marjan with a smirk on her lips and arms across her chest. 

“Um, ow?” TK said, unsure of what earned him such an attack. “What the heck was that for?” 

Marjan didn’t say anything in return, just stared at him in silence.

“Marj? Why are you staring at me like that?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She starts, the smirk growing. “I was just thinking back to this morning when my best friend TK Strand insisted that we stay in instead of going to - how did he describe it? - some dumb party. I’d like to know where he is because all I see is some lovesick dork who melts to the ground every time Carlos Reyes is in even the slightest vicinity to him.” 

TK glared at her, rolling his eyes. “I’m not lovesick and even if I was, I can assure you it wouldn’t be over Carlos. In case you’ve forgotten, I don’t like him.” 

Marjan huffs a laugh, shaking her head. “In case you’ve forgotten I’m the person that knows you better than you know yourself, TK. I know what you are like when you are deep for a boy and this, this is a whole new extreme.” 

TK sighs, closing his eyes for a moment as he stopped walking. “Do you hate me?” He asks, turning towards her before opening up his eyes. She stared at him for a moment before she smiled, warm and kind. 

“Nah. I’m just messing with you. I’m your best friend, what are we for if not to support you in your quest to get a date with your roommate who you have loved - I mean hated - for the past two years?” 

TK shook his head, choosing to ignore the second half of her statement. “And that attitude is what makes you, Marjan Marwani, my favourite person ever. You know I love you, right?” 

Her smile widened as they began to walk once again. “I do and I know I am.”

“And?” TK pushes. 

She rolled her eyes fondly. “I love you too, TK.” 

He develops a smile of his own, throwing an arm over her shoulders. “Thank you.”

“You do know that I am not going to ever stop teasing you though, right?” 

TK sighs, shaking his head. “Yeah. I know.” 

***

“I can’t believe you made me do this.” It was the second time Paul had said it since they left the dorm. They walked down the sidewalk towards the frat house that was undoubtedly having the party as loud music played through the open windows and people spilled out into the yard. Carlos could already feel claustrophobia setting in. “I would so rather be home right now.” 

“It’ll be fine.” Carlos assured him as they walked up the front steps. “All we need to do is make an appearance to humour him and then we can leave and go watch our movie. An hour tops.” 

“Okay, I’m holding you to that.” 

They bumped their fists together as they walked through the threshold and into the house. Immediately, Carlos was reminded of why Paul was exactly right, he had never been a party person; even in high school. He always opted for doing literally anything else but he was eager to prove TK wrong, or impress him, he wasn’t really sure which one. 

They weaved through the crowd of people that were mingling and dancing in the house where Carlos knew drinks would be. Once they had finally made it there, Carlos was finally able to breathe again. He reached to grab a bottle of water from the pile of drinks while Paul took one of the beers. 

“You’re not going to drink?” Paul asked as he cracked the bottle open. 

Carlos raised an eyebrow. “Someone has to get you home in one piece.” 

Paul waved him off. “You worry too much.” 

When they ventured from the kitchen after getting their drinks, they walked into the living room. As he glanced around, Carlos found TK standing amongst the crowd, his own bottle of water in his hand. Carlos tilted his head, watching TK as he talked and laughed with the people around him. In the two years that Carlos had known him, he had never seen TK take a single drink of anything alcoholic. He knew that there must have been a reason but he never asked, figuring that if it was something that TK wanted him to know, he would have told him. 

Carlos broke his gaze away from TK, quickly throwing himself into a conversation with Paul as a distraction. It was only a few moments before that voice was interrupting them once again. 

“Well, look who came after all. I really didn’t think you would.” TK’s voice was incredibly smug as he spoke and Carlos felt his heart skip in his chest as TK threw an arm around his shoulders. 

“I’m not about to allow you to think you’ve got the upper hand or anything.” Carlos said, quickly stepping away from TK. “Don’t want you getting too confident in yourself.” 

There was a mischievous twinkle in TKs eyes and he smirked. “Too late. I’m highly confident you won’t last more than an hour. Have fun.” And then he was turning back around and walking back to his friends. 

“An hour, that’s all we need.” Carlos whispered, confirming what he had promised to Paul earlier. Although, he wasn’t sure if he was trying more to convince Paul with the statement or himself. But he knew that an hour is all he needed to take and then he could go home and pretend his feelings didn’t exist. 

***

“Ready to go?” 

Carlos looked up from where he was leant by the door as Paul approached him. He had texted him five minutes ago letting him know that it was time and that they could go home. “Yeah definitely, let’s get the hell out of here.” 

Before they could move any further, Carlos heard loud yelling coming from one of the other rooms and the music seemed to suddenly stop. As he listened closer, he realised he recognised the voice. TK. He and Paul exchanged a look before they were both rushing into the next room to see what the commotion was about. They rounded the corner just in time to see TK throw a punch, his fist connecting with a guy’s face. The guy, who Carlos recognised as the host of the party Logan Kepner, stumbled backwards before he was throwing a punch of his own. Carlos winced as Logan’s fist made contact with TK’s cheek, throwing him sideways.  He had lost count of how many punches were thrown after that and it wasn’t until TK pushed Logan against the wall that Carlos finally stepped forwards and grabbed TK’s arm mid-swing, pulling him backwards. 

“TK! Stop!” Carlos yelled when TK tried to pull away from him before he finally stopped struggling, opting to simply glare at the guy. Carlos shook his head as he took in TK’s appearance. “Jesus, TK, you’re bleeding.” 

“I’m fine.” TK snapped, pulling his arm away from Carlos’ grip before turning around and disappearing from the room. Carlos heard the front door slam to punctuate his exit. The party seemed to resume after that as if nothing had happened and Carlos felt someone walk up beside him. He turned to find Marjan. 

“What was all that about?” He asked, hoping she would have an idea. 

He frowned when she only shrugged and shook her head. “I have no idea. One minute they were talking and he was fine and then the next he snapped.” 

“You should go after him.”  Paul said coming up onto his other side. 

“But -” 

“Carlos, don’t argue with me. I’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll just stick with Marjan. Now go.” 

Carlos slowly nodded before he turned without another word, pushing himself through the crowd to follow TK out of the door. 

***

Carlos had arrived back to their dorm room in record time to find TK standing at the freezer, digging around for what he could only assume was an ice pack of some sort. 

“Congratulations, only you can get into a completely sober fight.” Carlos joked, hoping to break some of the tension. He didn’t understand why he felt the need. His and TK’s relationship was built on tension. Although he was sure that the tension he felt towards TK was much different than the form TK felt towards him. If he was lucky, maybe it wasn’t. 

“Ha, you’re hilarious.” TK said before he closed the freezer door coming up with nothing. Carlos’ stomach turned with sickness at the sight of the blood dripping from TK’s nose and his split lip, along with the already colourful bruise over his left eye. Carlos watched as he jumped up to sit on the counter. 

Carlos let out a deep breath and he silently walked over to the hallway cupboard to grab out a cloth before he made his way back into the kitchen, wetting it under the tap. When he got close to TK, the boy moved his face away from him. 

“I don’t need your help.” TK whispered stubbornly.

“Quit being such a tough guy. I promise I won’t tell anyone you let your guard down.” 

TK rolled his eyes but nodded and Carlos tapped his knee, stepping between his legs when he parted them. He then began dabbing lightly at the blood that was drying to TK’s pale skin. 

“So what happened?” Carlos asked as he worked. 

“What do you mean?” TK replied, his eyes closed. 

“What did that guy say to make you snap? Something snippy about New York?” 

“No. It was nothing.” TK whispered and Carlos couldn’t help but to notice that TK made no move to make a joke back to him and that worried him only slightly. 

“Sure, I believe that. Seriously, TK, what was it?” 

“He was just mouthing off.” TK said, wincing slightly as Carlos began to clean his nose. 

“About what?” Carlos pushed. 

“Nothing.” 

“TK, come on, that was not -” 

“It was about you, okay!” TK snapped, opening his eyes and looking at Carlos. “Are you happy?” 

Carlos’ hand fell away from TK's face as he stared, wide eyed at his roommate. “Excuse me?” 

TK sighed, looking down as he fumbled his fingers together. Carlos knew for a fact that it was something that he did when he was nervous. “He was saying shit about you and I couldn’t stand there and let him do that. You don’t deserve it.” 

Carlos’ eyebrows furrowed. He was in a state of complete confusion at this point. “But TK, why would you defend me? You don’t even like me?” 

TK snorted, rolling his eyes. “You actually think that I could dislike you, Carlos? I thought you were supposed to be smart.” 

Carlos couldn’t help the blush that ran up his neck and hit his cheeks. “But - you - I -” Carlos stumbled over his words before he shook his head, finally settling on “You like me?” 

“Of course I like you, you dork. I’ve liked you ever since you stumbled through that door on the first day.” TK said, a smile on his bruised face. “You’re one of the best people I know.” 

Carlos frowned. “But we’ve been at each other’s throats every day since.” 

“And when we were at each other’s throats,” TK said, putting air quotes around the words. “Did you ever once hold any sort of anger or hatred? Even a little bit?” 

Carlos didn’t even need to think about his answer. He knew his feelings. “No, not at all.” 

“Exactly, me either. It was fun. But it makes me think that I’m not the only one that has been lying these past two years.” TK said, his voice lowering with the accusation. 

Carlos couldn’t breathe all of a sudden and he needed to get away. Fast. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He turned to move, desperate to hide himself away but he felt a gentle grip grab at his wrist, holding him in place. He was then forced to slowly turn and look back at TK.

“You think I don’t see the way you look at me? Because I do.” TK whispered, his voice so soft and light. “I tend to look at you the same way when you don’t realise it.” 

Carlos could feel himself losing control of his emotions as tears found his eyes. “I don’t understand, why are you just telling me this now? If you’ve known for two years, why now?” 

TK shrugged. “Because it just really hit me tonight after that ass tried to insult you. I felt something deep in my stomach and I’ve been feeling it for a while. But tonight it snapped in me and I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. Besides, like I said we were having fun, I didn’t want to ruin it.” 

Carlos slowly nodded before lowering his head, unable to look at TK anymore. He knew exactly what his roommate was talking about. He had that feeling since the first time he stared into TK’s eyes. “I understand that.” 

Carlos felt gentle fingers on his jaw, travelling until they were underneath his chin to guide his face up so that he was staring into TK’s gaze once again. TK then leaned forwards until they were only a breath away from each other and Carlos became highly aware of his heart pounding in his chest. 

“I’m sorry that I made you think I didn’t like you.” TK whispered, his breath hot against Carlos’ face. “I do. I really really like you, Carlos.”

Carlos nodded, their lips brushing together. “I really like you too.” He whispered back before he moved to close the small gap between the two of them. 

When their lips met, Carlos felt TK wince slightly and he tried to pull away but TK shook his head, whispering “It’s okay, don’t stop” against his lips. Carlos was thankful for that because he thinks he would never want to stop this moment from happening. TK wrapped his arms around Carlos’ neck and Carlos wrapped his around TK’s waist, sliding him closer. Carlos had suddenly felt as though a fire had broken free in his chest, his entire body warming underneath TK’s lips. When TK moved to deepen the kiss, Carlos was happy to oblige, allowing TK in. It was as if every single piece of a puzzle had fallen together, like everything he could have ever dreamt of. 

When air was beginning to be a problem, they broke their lips away from each other but they stayed close with TK setting his forehead against Carlos’. “Wow.” TK whispered, breathless. 

“Yeah.” Carlos agreed, a smile on his face. 

“If I had known that was what I was missing I would have kissed you a long time ago.” 

Carlos chuckled. “Trust me,  I wanted to so many times.” 

“I can’t believe this has been what it was like for two years and neither of us had the balls to say anything to each other.” TK pointed out. 

“You’ve got to admit kissing each other would put a dent into the bitter rivalry that we have established with one another.” 

TK raised an eyebrow, pulling away slightly. “Bitter?” 

“You were pretty bitter.” 

“Says the guy that has called me ‘New York’ for the past two years.” TK said.

Carlos grinned, the bickering now seeming more hilarious to him and he moved to pull TK even closer to him so their bodies were pressed hard together. 

TK’s smile faltered slightly, shrinking to a smaller, more serious one. “So, where do we go from here?” He asked, his fingers coming up to tangle themselves in Carlos’ curls. 

Carlos swallowed hard, his throat growing dry. He knew the answer to the question but it was hard for him to even say it. This had been everything he felt over the past two years and he couldn’t believe he was standing here admitting it. This was something that he never thought he’d be doing. After a moment, he finally spoke, his voice low in a whisper. “Well, I think the next step would be to ask you out on a date. But since I think we are beyond that point, I think it’d just be safe to ask you to be my boyfriend.” 

TK didn’t answer, only leant forwards to bring their lips together again. This kiss only lasted a few seconds before they were pulling away. “I would like nothing more than to be your boyfriend, Carlos Reyes.” 

Carlos’ smile grew, his nose scrunching up. “Can you believe that it took you getting into a fight to make us realise this?”

TK chuckled. “Well you always did say I was impulsive and reckless.” 

“You do have an unimaginable talent of getting yourself into trouble.” Carlos teased. "And while I'm flattered that you wanted to defend me, maybe we should try keeping fist fights to a minimum." 

“Deal.” TK agreed before, “Man, I can only imagine how Paul and Marjan are going to react. They are going to have a field day with this.” 

“Well, we don’t have to worry about that tonight. Tonight it’s just you and I.” 

TK let out an audible sigh, wrapping his legs around Carlos’ waist as Carlos pulled him off the counter. “I love the sound of that.” 

“Me too.” 

The conversation melted away as their lips locked once again. Carlos tightened his arms around TK’s body, suddenly never wanting to let him go. He could feel his world slowly beginning to disappear from beneath him and the only thing he was left with was TK. He allowed himself to let go, to get lost in TK’s entire being and allowed TK to do the same with him. 

And in that moment, nothing else mattered.

The evening had been going well until this point, the two sharing a quiet night in at Carlos’ place for dinner. As always, being able to share in TK’s company after a long day at work was the perfect antidote to a stressful shift. There’s never a greater comfort for him than to spend time with TK. It hardly ever matters what they’re doing. It’s always just enough to be around him.

These last three months they’ve been together have been a real highlight for him. Given the complicated path they took to this point, all Carlos wants to do is wrap himself up in moments like this where it’s just the two of them simply existing in the same space together.

With their meal done, they two work alongside each other in the kitchen doing dishes with TK on washing and Carlos on drying duties. TK’s phone chimes on the counter with an incoming call, the jingle echoing over the rush of the water from the tap.

“Grab that for me, would you?” TK asks, his hands covered in suds. “It’s probably my dad.”

Carlos drapes the dish towel he’s been using to dry plates with over his shoulder as he turns to pick up TK’s phone. His heart sinks to the pit of his stomach at the name he sees flashing across the screen. He stays frozen in place, unsure of what to think.

“It’s not the captain,” he says, his voice grave.

TK shuts off the faucet and looks over at him. Carlos holds the phone up for him to see the screen as well. TK sighs and rolls his eyes.

“I told him to stop calling,” he hisses, shaking his hand to get some water off before taking the phone from Carlos and rejecting the call.

Carlos blinks, his brain slowly processing what TK has just said.

“Wait, you’ve been speaking to him?”

TK sighs, ripping off a sheet of paper towel and drying his hands.

“It’s not like that. He wanted to apologize and see how I was. He left this long voicemail...it was so ridiculous. But then he called again and I figured he would keep doing it until we actually spoke.”

“When the hell did this happen and why am I only now hearing about it?”

Carlos’ voice sounds so different to him now and it’s evident that TK feels the same way because his boyfriend looks up at him like he’s someone else entirely.

“Carlos,” he says slowly. “Just listen to me, okay? I don’t want you getting worked up over this. I handled it and there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Handled what exactly? TK, what is going on here?”

“Nothing! That’s just it. There’s literally nothing going on here. God,” he groans.

“How can you expect me to believe that? Your ex is calling you. Repeatedly, apparently. Obviously something is happening. Don’t give me that.”

TK shakes his head and sighs.

“How long have you been talking to him, TK?” Carlos asks.

TK hesitates for a moment, pursing his lips before answering. “He reached out to me last week.”

Carlos stands up straighter, jaw clenched. “So seven whole days have gone by and you couldn’t find so much as a minute within any of them to tell me that your ex-fiancé reached out to you?”

“Ex-boyfriend!” TK corrects, as if that makes much of a difference in Carlos’ eyes right now.

He scoffs and shakes his head, wringing the dish towel in his hands. For a moment it’s too easy to pretend it’s Alex’s neck.

“Oh, well, pardon me then. That makes all of this so much better.”

“There’s no need to be sarcastic here.”

“You’re kidding me, right? You must be joking. I don’t care what the label is. What this boils down to is the fact that you kept this from, TK. What else are you hiding from me?”

“That’s not fair. I didn’t do this on purpose, Carlos, and I’m not hiding anything. I just didn’t think anything of it.”

“And maybe that’s the real problem here. You actively chose not to tell me and you probably never would have if he didn’t call just now.”

“Do you honestly think Alex and I are getting back together or something? We haven’t been talking every day, catching up like we’re suddenly friends. I didn’t answer when he first tried.”

“But you obviously picked up at some point and didn’t think it was worth it to tell me.”

“Because it doesn’t matter. He just wanted to check in and say he was sorry for what happened back in New York. I told him that I was fine, that I moved on and that I’m happy so we can just drop the conversation. He’s nothing to me.”

“It does matter, TK. It matters so much and the fact that you can’t see that…,” he trails off, shaking his head.

TK pinches the bridge of his nose. “This is all coming out wrong.”

“Then explain it clearly because I’m not understanding how you could think I didn’t have a right to know. It’s about respect and transparency.”

“Carlos, there was never a threat here. Our relationship was never in danger. I love you so much. If nothing else, I need you to know that.”

Carlos’ vision swims for a moment, his eyes filling with tears born more so out of frustration than anything else. He’s always been an angry cryer.

“That’s not how you show someone you care about them. You don’t lie.”

TK runs a hand over his face. “I didn’t lie to you!”

“Omission isn't the truth either, TK. It amounts to the same. Screw technicalities.”

TK jerks back, blinking twice. Carlos struggles to stop his heart from racing, his chest from heaving. The silence that falls between them now is unbearable. Carlos’ ears ring with their exchange.

This divide between them seems so much larger than the counter that separates them. Carlos has been here before and the ghosts of his past relationships start to creep into the room, suffocating him.

Carlos bites back on his lower lip, swiping at his eye. He feels like a dam that’s ready to crack at any moment. There’s too much pressure building in his chest and if he’s not careful, he’ll explode in a way that may cause far too much damage.

What he needs is fresh air and time away. This isn’t where he needs to be, at least not in this moment.

“I just...I can’t. I can’t be around you right now.”

Carlos tosses the dish towel down on the counter and walks past TK out of the kitchen.

“Are you serious? Carlos, where are you going?”

“I’m going for a walk, okay? I need some air.”

“It’s getting late and you’re upset. You shouldn’t be outside.”

“Well I can’t stay here so I don’t have many options, now do I?” Carlos snaps, turning around to face TK.

His boyfriend stops dead in his tracks. His bottom lip crumbles a bit but Carlos looks away, stewing in the anger that has taken root in him. This feels wrong but this frustration has its claws in too deeply for him to apply reason to the situation.

Other people get to rant and rave. Carlos keeps far too much inside. Now that the lid has been lifted, the steam has to go somewhere.

Carlos turns back, snagging his keys off the coffee table as he hears TK draw nearer once more.

“Carlos. Carlos!” TK calls after him.

It’s the last thing he hears before slamming the front door shut behind him.

~*~*~

Alone with his thoughts proves itself to be an even worse place for him to be. Carlos has no idea how long he’s been walking around his neighborhood but it isn’t long enough for him to grow comfortable with the ugly thoughts swirling around in his head.

He pictures TK being pushed too far with this argument, seeking solace in something familiar, in Alex. Logically, he knows that would never happen. Alex broke something between the two of them that could never be repaired and yet that cruel, insidious voice in the back of his head whispers to him, conjuring up imaginary scenarios that feel far too vivid and real.

Had Carlos not traveled this same road before with partners in the past? He’s been burned so many times throughout the years that a part of him had been secretly holding its breath just waiting for the other shoe to drop with TK.

Carlos has long since learned how to live with that worry lingering in the recesses of his thoughts. Even when things were going well, life had a habit of proving to him why he should always remain cautious and vigilant.

Certainly he and TK had gotten off to a rocky, awkward start with each other. But once they managed to find their footing, things had been going extremely well. Perfectly, Carlos would venture to say.

But inevitably, the end would come in the form of a boyfriend finding some way to let him down. It was almost always when he’d invested so much of himself. Carlos was worried he’d wind up giving away so many pieces of himself that there would be nothing left.

He thinks of the look on TK’s face as he snapped at him just before leaving. It’s enough to make Carlos sick to his stomach. He knows his insecurity has just ripped the bit of fabric that’s been binding them together this whole time. All Carlos can do now is pray that isn’t something that can’t be salvaged.

Even though he felt justified in being upset over TK keeping the truth from him, Carlos knows his approach was all wrong. Being quick to give into anger wasn’t his usual speed but he slipped into it as easily as a hot bath.

Picking the night apart, Carlos realizes how much he felt ambushed by the sudden appearance of Alex in his life. The man was thousands of miles away and yet he had placed himself so prominently into the future Carlos was trying to work towards with TK. The past had a nasty habit of circling back, the old becoming new again.

What really troubled Carlos was the familiarity of tonight’s scenario. He’s been cheated on, dumped, ghosted. Just about every relationship ended in disaster but he’d been wrapping himself in the belief that this time around, things were finally different.

You’re a great guy but…

I think we’re better off as friends…

I’m sorry to do this to you…

He’s heard it all before and then some. Knowing that TK had been harboring a secret like this set something off within. He knows TK’s actions weren’t malicious. Now that he’s had time to replay it all and truly recount his boyfriend’s words, he knows TK was just trying in his own way to shield him.

Carlos’ head is a riot of thoughts but the most pressing one is that he needs to set things right with TK.

He rounds the corner to his block, slipping his phone out of his pocket as he ambles down the sidewalk. He wonders if TK will even be keen on answering him tonight. If his boyfriend still wants space, he’ll of course respect that but Carlos hates loose ends and this one is a gaping hole.

He pulls up TK’s name in his favorites and touches his thumb to the screen, pressing the phone against his ear as he walks up the short pathway to his door and unlocks it.

The phone rings as he steps inside and Carlos startles hearing the chime of a phone inside his home. He follows the sound to the living room where TK is sitting on the couch, eyes fixed to the door. His legs are pulled up to his chest, his arms folded on top of his knees. He looks so small, like a child that has just been reprimanded, the cuffs of his sweater pulled down over his hands.

TK’s eyes are rimmed pink, his face flushed. The man looks as if he’s aged a few years in the span of time Carlos had stepped away. It makes something in Carlos’ chest crack open.

He falters at the sight of him, ending the call. In the silence of the room now, he can only hear the ticking of the clock as it counts the seconds it takes for Carlos to find something to say.

“You’re still here.”

TK looks wounded at the statement. “Would you rather I not be?” TK asks quietly, chin propped up on his arms.

Carlos toys with his keys before dropping them into the dish on the coffee table.

“Of course not,” Carlos replies, walking around the table to sit on the couch as well.

He leaves a bit of space between them, still unsure of what footing they stand on with each other. It’s reassuring to see TK now, to know that he at least still wants to be around him and talk this whole thing out.

“I’m sorry about walking out like that. I just needed to clear my head.”

“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m the one that got us to that point.”

TK lets out a shaky breath and continues. “I’ve never seen you that upset before.”

Carlos shrugs. “I don’t usually get angry, especially not like that. I wasn’t myself and that wasn’t right.”

“You’re allowed to get mad, Carlos. If something bothers you, it’s only natural.”

Carlos shakes his head. “I don’t like giving into that.” He falls silent for a moment. “I’m glad you stayed.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I hate how this feels; this isn’t us. I don’t want you and I to end tonight on a bad note and have it spill over into tomorrow.”

TK stares at him for a moment and shakes his head as if to clear it.

“What?” Carlos prompts.

TK licks his lips and unfurls himself. “I’ve never been with anyone who thought like that. All my exes, our bad moods stayed with us for however long it took to fizzle out on its own.”

Carlos doesn’t like the sound of that at all.

“That’s not how I operate. Tomorrow is its own day. It shouldn’t inherit the troubles from today. I don’t like going to bed angry.”

It was an old adage his family swore by and Carlos had adopted the philosophy for himself as well. Harboring negative feelings was a disservice to everyone.

TK looks at him for a moment before lowering his gaze to his hands.

“I’m sorry I got defensive. I was totally in the wrong with this. I’ve been thinking it all over and seeing it from your perspective. I fucked up. Honestly, this whole time I knew I was messing up. You must hate me.”

“I could never hate you, T. You know that. I just needed some time to clear my head but I wasn’t walking out on us, I promise. I just needed to be alone and work some stuff out.”

TK sighs, letting out a relieved breath. Carlos feels guilty for making him worry.

“Did you find that peace of mind you were looking for?”

Carlos chuckles tersely. “Sort of. I realized the real reason why I blew up didn’t really have anything to do with you specifically. It was old insecurities rearing their heads and I caved. I thought I was past everything and all it took was one instance to show me that I’ve still got some things I need to work on.”

“Past what exactly? What kind of insecurities?”

Carlos sighs. He isn’t sure how to touch on his concerns now. It sounds so trivial and childish in his own head. He fears what TK will think if he brings himself to disclose what he’s been grappling with all evening.

“I know how much he means to you. Hell, you wanted to marry this guy, build a future with him. I’m not holding that against you, of course. It’s just...what you guys had clearly counted for a lot. If you had decided to continue talking to him or to even see him again, I couldn’t compete with that.”

TK’s brows furrow, reaching for his hand.

“Carlos, please listen to me. You win out each and every time in every possible way. Alex meant something to me. Past tense. As in used to but not anymore. I chose wrong with him but I know that I’ve got it right with you. That isn’t something I’ve ever doubted since meeting you.”

Carlos looks away, chewing on his lip. It isn’t like him to show his anxiousness like this and yet here he is, a ball of nerves.

“Talk to me, Los. What are you thinking?”

TK’s been so candid with him about his life back in New York, all the highs and lows of his battles with substances and depression. In Carlos’ eyes, those are real issues, true upsets that rank so much higher on a list than pesky confidence issues. But if he can’t be open with the man he’s in love with, Carlos realizes that there isn’t anyone else he can talk this out with. And besides, he reasons, his thoughts and feelings will always matter with TK.

“I’m not usually the first choice someone makes. Or...if I am, they always seem to inevitably look elsewhere. I never seem to be enough in the long run. Seeing that he called you, it scared me. I know that you love me and that we’re happy and good together. I know that we have something real and solid here. Rationally I know that you all ended on horrible terms. But even with all that in mind, I’m always so scared of losing you one day. I’ve had boyfriends run back to their exes before. I panicked thinking it could be the case here.”

“That’s never going to happen with me, Carlos. Never,” TK says quickly.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, actually I do. I know it for a fact. I am so incredibly in love with you. I never thought I could ever be this happy with someone and yet, here you are. All mine. I’ll say it to you every day and you can bet I’ll make it my mission to show you too. I don’t ever want you to doubt your importance in my life. I don’t know what I’d be now if we never got together. Alex is barely a thought and on those extremely rare moments when he comes across my mind, all I can think is how goddamn lucky I was that I dodged a bullet there.”

TK laces their fingers, giving his hand a squeeze.

“I had no idea you’ve been through all of that in the past. Shit, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s dumb. That’s no reason to flip out like I did.”

“Of course it is; it makes total sense. I didn’t mean to add to that, to be another person on that list. But I swear to you, I will never make a mistake like this again. I wasn’t trying to hide anything or be sneaky going behind your back. I didn’t tell you because I honestly didn’t want you to feel like you had any reason to worry because you truly don’t. I feel nothing towards Alex or any other guy for that matter. But I see how not telling you was way worse. I should have been upfront from the second he called me.”

TK sighs and rakes a hand through his hair. “I’ve still got a lot of learning to do.”

“So do I,” Carlos says, searching TK’s eyes. “God, I was being so stupid and ridiculous.”

TK frowns and inches closer. “Shh, no, you weren’t. Your reaction was completely justified, a hundred percent. I didn’t mean to make you scared and I’m so sorry you were ever with anyone that made you feel less than. You’re the greatest part of my life, Carlos Reyes. The absolute best part. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t felt like the luckiest guy in the world for being loved by you. You’re so much more than I ever thought I’d have.”

Carlos smiles at the reassurance. All the same, he can’t help but to feel foolish.

“Still, I’m so embarrassed,” he chuckles, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“Why? You don’t ever have to be embarrassed around me.”

“I made something out of nothing and just showed you what a massive insecure mess I can be. Not exactly the finest quality.”

“If you say one more negative thing about my boyfriend I’ll...well, I don’t have an actual threat here. I’ll just be very upset.” TK kisses at his temple. “I love every part of you, even the messy bits. God knows I’m made mostly of parts like that and you still love me anyway. I don’t want you keeping up appearances or downplaying your emotions for me. Whatever you’re feeling or thinking, I want to know because it’s valid, Los.”

TK brings Carlos’ hand to his mouth, lips skimming along the back.

“You’re not a machine. It’s okay to feel things. And, to be fair, I went about this whole Alex thing totally wrong. I should’ve said something; I shouldn’t have kept that from you. This one’s on me. If an ex you were serious about did that, I’d want to know.”

“So you forgive me?” Carlos asks.

TK frowns, tracing the outline of Carlos’ jaw. “Babe, there’s nothing to forgive here. I’m not mad at you. I was upset with myself.”

“I snapped, walked out, and I made you cry. Those are criminal offenses in my book.”

TK laughs and shakes his head. “It’s nothing we can’t bounce back from, right?”

“Right. We’re okay. Better than that, even. We’re prepared if anymore exes decide to come out of the woodwork.”

TK laughs and nods in agreement. “Definitely. So, have we passed the ready-for-bed test now?”

Carlos hums in thought, standing up from the couch and tugging TK towards him.

“Not yet. There’s just one final step until we get the all clear,” he says.

TK smirks knowingly and tips his head up for Carlos to capture his lips. Carlos frames his boyfriend’s face in his hands, mouth moving over TK’s steadily. He kisses him deeply, casting out all the residual doubt and fear that’s knocking about, clearing it all like cobwebs from the darkest corners of his head.

He pulls back enough to stare into TK’s eyes, those gorgeous green irises teeming with so much love and affection. How Carlos allowed himself to give in to misgivings seems inconceivable now. No one has ever looked at him the way TK does.

“Okay, now we’re ready.”

Ready to put this whole argument behind them, ready to sleep, ready to tackle whatever obstacles may try to stand in their way.

[lone star + fire]

flames

Marjan has always been fascinated by the fire.

First as a kid, barely six, watching enraptured as the flames danced in front of her in the chimney at the cabin his family had rented for winter break.

Then, as an adult, presented with the choice to follow her instincts and uproot herself to Texas, to the 126, to that bunch of strangers that fit perfectly together.

Now, gearing up to enter a burning building.

When the flames surround her, Marjan knows she’s got it under control – and even if she doesn’t, she has her family to help her through it.

[rwrb + subtle kindnesses]

north star 

It starts with small details. Picking up a call when he needs to talk to someone. A photo of David sent at three in the morning when he can’t sleep.

Alex doesn’t think much of it. He just takes it in stride, goes on with his life.

And then there comes the big stuff – showing up at the Beekman, holding him when he most needs an anchor.

Alex knows where this is led to. He knows he should put a stop to it. But he can’t.

He can’t help falling in love with Henry. He just hopes he doesn’t crash.