#breakup!au

But they were getting ready to surprise you. You just didn't know it was a surprise that would destroy you and leave you in pieces.

As you were getting ready for the dinner you three had planned at your apartment, you put the tint on your lips at looked at your eyes, the dark circles you had tried to hide were still a little visible. You frowned, but let it go to check on the apple pie, which was in the oven, ready to eat, just being kept warm.

Apple pie, the desert three of you loved. It had been a while since you had made it for all of you.

The uneasiness increased as the seconds passed. The door opened, and both your boys appeared in the kitchen. Their jackets probably strung on the hook in the foyer and shoes beside the door.

The light in their eyes, whenever they say you, wasn't the same. The urgency with which they would rush towards you was now a slow drag of limbs. The way their hand held you was also different, more aloof. They even smelled different, if that was possible. You had later realized they had stopped wearing the cologne you had given them on your anniversary.

You sat down, and the round table that felt cozy and comfortable now felt huge and uncomfortable. The seats were way too far, the chairs hard and stiff, your hands were on your lap, and the dinner was done in silence, with the conversation being something spoken like between colleagues. Impersonal and boring.

The pie was placed, and the air shifted. It constricted, now suddenly it was hard to breathe. The glances, the hard swallows, the holding of hands, and the preparation of the telling you were almost done.

"Sweetheart, I- we have something to say," Steve spoke, his voice sweet and low, as if talking to an injured animal and trying to help it, while making sure they don't spook it.

You, stupid you. Felt the pressure and the seriousness and still thought it might have been something related to a job that they might have to leave for or a mission or something.

Why would it cross your mind that they were trying to break up with you. They had promised, and you believed them, loved them, respected them to hold them to their words of you three being together for life.

He parted his lips, that you had kissed a thousand times, and uttered the words, "We think it's - I mean- we feel that we don't click any more," he looked at Bucky, who continued looking at the table, "honey- I just, feel like we don't have that spark anymore, like the three of us don't feel right."

Your head felt fuzzy, the impending migraine knocking on the doors, and your food trying to crawl its way back out.

"I-I don't," you swallowed and felt your breath stuttering, "you guys are breaking up with me?"

"Yes." Both muttered, finally looking at you.

The finality and assurance both of them spoke with was the shock your body needed. The bile rose in your throat and you got up so fast that the chair fell down with a loud thud, making both of them jump a little in their seats and look at you with concern in their eyes but before they could say anything you ran to the bathroom and emptied all the contents of your stomach.

You felt tears leaking from your eyes, it felt as if your actual heart was going to come out of your mouth at any moment and their presence behind you, their hands rubbing your back, cooing and sympathizing, didn't make you feel warm and safe, but made you uncomfortable, reminding you that this was just them being kind and cordial, and not because they loved you.

As that thought entered your mind, you felt yourself go and let out a sob so loud you surprised yourself.

You pushed Steve's, or was it Bucky's hand away. Now you couldn't stand to feel them touch you. You still loved them. The knowledge that they didn't love you made you physically recoil at their touch. It made you feel worthless, unloved, and discarded by them.

Minutes passed, or was it hours? To you, honestly, it felt like years.

You took deep breaths, your knees up to your chest, back pressed to the bathtub and face hiding between your knees. You didn't want to look at them, but you knew you needed answers or you were going to overthink yourself to death.

"Why?" Your voice didn't feel like yours anymore, hoarse from all the crying, "why did you stop loving me?" You looked at them sitting on the floor in front of you.

Bucky and Steve looked like they were shot, their face grimacing and body wound up so tight that one would think they were being tortured. Maybe one way they were, getting questioned by a mess of a girl, who was so close to breaking down again, you thought.

"I- I don't know," Bucky whispered, eyes screwed shut, his knuckles turning white with how tight his fist was.

You let out a dry chuckle, your voice echoing disbelief and anger, which you were glad to feel. "I find that very hard to believe, James. Can't tell me that you expect me to believe that, do you?"

You knew that hearing James had an effect on him. On both of them. His nostrils flared, and his chest moved with a big breath, but now you really didn't find it in yourself to sympathize. This hurt he felt was nothing compared to the fucking knives lodged into your chest.

He knew you didn't want to be bullshitted, so they braced themselves for the emotionally draining night they were going to have ahead.

"I genuinely don't know, it wasn't one day, like the comfort and warmth I felt while seeing you started dwindling down, slowly," Steve rubbed his hand on his face taking a deep breath and continued, "I-I also felt jealous when Bucky and you would spend time together alone, and it turned to anger that was misplaced and disgusting." He stopped his voice shaky, eyes brimming with tears.

You felt your heart drop into your stomach, your fingers clenching your knees till their were indents in your skin. You looked towards Bucky to say his piece.

Bucky really did look like he was going to fall down and wail at that point. His eyes were red, and tears were free falling at this point. "I do love you, doll, I really do," his voice not above a whisper and tortured, "but I don't know when I stopped being in love with you."

"I tried, I really did try, to try and get back that feeling, because you are along with steve one the best thing that has ever happened to me," he came forward to touch hands on your knees, and you let him. At this point, you were exhausted, this build up was coming up to months now, and this climax was not the one you were expecting.

You also remember, the time a couple of weeks back were Bucky was very, very touchy and romantic. Letters, flowers, romantic dinners, you name it was an every day occurrence from Bucky and you like a fool had been oblivious to the fact that maybe this influx of emotions was the result of something else and not just plain, mind numbing love.

You looked at Steve, you both holding eye contact till his lowered and his lip being on the verge of bleeding with how hard he was biting on it.

"So what? You both held a meeting and decided it was time to end this trio and dump me?"

"I felt like my jealousy and anger was coming on too strong and talked to him, and realized he was on the same wavelength," he rubbed his eyes, his hands shaking. Huh, it was probably the first time you had seen him trembling, "we tried, baby, we really did. But then I realized it was probably better if we let you go instead of being tied to absolute asshole like us."

The anger was returning with full force, for which you felt so grateful, you pushed Bucky's hand holding onto yours like a lifeline away and stood up and left the bathroom, and started pacing around the bedroom.

"You guys are so great, huh?" You spat, pointing towards their general direction. "You get together with me because you love me, and then break up with me because you love me!"

"But it's true, and I am so fucking sorry!" Bucky yelled, wiping his tears. Steve was stroking his arm to calm him down.

Suddenly, seeing both of them now being the comfort for each other, with no need or want for you, was enough to finally pierce through your brain that it was definitely over.

You stepped back slowly and sat down on the couch, uttering with exhaustion, "Okay. I understand, I need you guys to leave."

"Baby-"

"Darlin-"

"I'm going to need you guys to stop calling me that. Please stop. Because now it just fucking hurts." You interrupted them.

Both of them knew you, how much you mean what you say, and knowing that, they didn't want to be more cruel than they already had been. With tears streaming down their face, they both left and also left the keys on the kitchen table. When they closed the door, they heard the sob that broke their fucking hearts.

"Do you think we did the right thing, Steve?"

"No. But it was necessary."

"I'll never forgive us for breaking her heart and ours, too."

"I know, but i'd rather hate myself for the rest of my life than lose her forever. At least this way, she'll still be here, and we can love her from afar."

---------

“I want to be able to take care of you,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. He looked down and fiddled with his sleeves quietly. “But I can’t.”

You felt your heart plummet at that. How could Jungkook think he wasn’t taking care of you when in fact he was?

“Most of the time we’re in different countries. And when we’re actually together we have to pretend like we’re only friends.” He finally looked up at you and it startled you to see the painful look in his eyes. His big, brown eyes tearing up and piercing your heart. You didn’t want him to feel that way. You didn’t want him to think that way. Jungkook had been so, so good to you which sometimes left you wondering how you got so lucky to be taken care of by him.

You held his hand, choosing to stay silent, too afraid to speak up.

“I hate it,” he laughed bitterly, “not being able to take care of you properly. I want to bring you out on proper dates—to fancy dinners, to watch movies, to shop at the mall. Normal couple stuff, you know?”

You smiled at him sadly. Fame came with a heavy price to pay.

He held your hand tightly. “I want to kiss you whenever I want, wherever I want without having to worry about who’ll be able to see. Or if there are cameras around. I want to hold your hand. I want to open doors for you, carry your bag when it’s heavy, hug you when you’re stressed, post our pictures online.”

You held both his hands in yours in an effort to comfort him. You felt tears streaming down your face and maybe you were trying to comfort yourself. Here was one of the most famous artists in the world, wanting to be normal and do normal things. But you knew Jungkook loved his job and his fans and his music too much to exchange it all for normalcy. And you felt the same way.

You nodded to each word he said, feeling his pain, wishing to take away his pain. You didn’t want him to think that he wasn’t taking care of you enough—because he was. In the quiet and private hours you spent together he always made sure that you were comfortable. That you were happy.

He smiled at you and you felt your heart melt. The sad look in his eyes and the bittersweet smile didn’t bode well with you. Too afraid to speak, always afraid of what you’ll say in fear that you’ll say something wrong, you brought his hands to your lips and kissed his fingers.

He bit his lip and watched you kiss his fingers, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “When we first met, I instantly thought, wow, she’s way out of my league.”

You laughed through your tears and made a move to push his chest, but he caught your hands and pulled you closer to him.

“When we started to get to know each other, I still thought the same thing. Everyone adores you. Everyone loves you. How can I keep up with that, right?”

You shook your head at him. Jungkook was just as perfect in his own way and it pained you to hear him speak out his insecurities and doubts.

“And then,” he laughed bitterly once more, “you chose me. And you loved me. You showed me what true love felt like. Then I thought, if this is what loving her felt like, I’d give my whole heart in an instant.”

“Jungkook…” you finally whispered.

“We tried to make it work,” he continued on. “We really did. But we had the time difference. The busy schedules. And we couldn’t let the public know about our relationship.”

You nodded, wanting him to go on because Jungkook was never the one to voice out his feelings and thoughts in full detail. And you felt like the luckiest person in the world to be able to be hearing those feelings and thoughts.

“It became really hard trying to talk to each other since we were both so busy. But I didn’t want to give up. On us. Because if this is true love, it wouldn’t fail, right?”

You choked back a sob and nodded. “Right.”

He wiped your tears with his hands and kissed your forehead, leaving his lips there. You closed your eyes and let your tears flow freely.

“over text!” Tom spat grittily, his hands slamming bitterly into the rough, black steering wheel in front of him. His face was screwed up and scarlet with angry tension. My (bf/gf) (name) had broken up with me the evening before. I immediately texted both the holland boys, Harry and Tom. I knew spending a day with them would make my ripped heart ache a little less. 

“Tommmm” I whined, I hated that one of my situations had caused his usual bouncy mood change. 

“no seriously (y/n) that’s shitty, you shouldn’t have to put up with that bastard!” He carried on, darting a furrowed look at me. I could feel the burning heat rising off his skin and wafting over to me. His arm flexed as he wrapped his fingers around the gear shift and toggled it to the side. I didn't want him to be angry, but I guessed it showed he cared. We pulled up to his house where my brother Haz had been hanging out with Harry. Harry was helping him film some new self tapes for a couple of new projects. 

The sky was a steely evening grey as we stepped out onto the pavement. I slid my body off Tom’s plush leather car seats and trudged beside him up the driveway to his deep red front door. Yellowy light streamed through the muggy front window and reflected onto the black and white tiled path. I wrapped my cold fingers around the gold knocker and slammed it against the wood of the door. A few rumbles and giggles echoed from inside and then the door flung open to reveal huge freckled arms spread out at me. Harry was grinning heartily with his autumnal curls falling slightly over his forehead. All his features were cut deeply but were still soft and gentle to look at. His lips perfectly parted to reveal his teeth. 

“Harryyyy” I sighed breathily, melting into his chest. He entangled his two warm arms around my back and rubbed his hands up and down my t-shirt. I could feel his breath running from his nostrils, down the petite hairs on my back. I suddenly felt recharged with electricity. Thousands of volts entering my skin. My body felt so relieved at his touch, I had almost forgotten about my breakup. I pulled away and smiled thankfully, I then followed the pounding noise coming from the living room. I walked in to see my brother Haz sitting comfortably on the Hollands grey sofa, his feet were propped up on their coffee table. His gaze was on their pixelated flat screen watching football players run up and down a bright green pitch. 

“hey” he grinned nodding up at me. I smiled feebly back, crashing down next to him and starting focus my gaze on the TV. Low shouts of a crowd echoed from the speakers. 

Haz didn’t know about the break up yet. I was going to tell him at breakfast but he left too early. Of course I was nervous, I didn't want him to go all ‘protective big brother’ on me and somehow track (name) down and kill (him/her). Haz was always always there when I needed him, I remember when I broke my ankle when I was 11 and had to have an emergency operation. I was so scared and our stressed out parents didn’t help, he gripped my hand the whole time and slept at my bedside for a week. I remember how much school he missed but he didn’t care, he said “he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate knowing I was struggling”. He read me books and told me jokes to take my mind off the excruciating pain pulsating in my body. 

We sat in silence until Tom and Harry poured into the living room. They were jokily play fighting, kicking each others shins childishly. Harry’s cute giggle echoed in my ears. His laugh was smooth, like creamy icing sandwiched between two sides of a cake. Their playful actions became harder and harder until Harry kicked Tom hard behind his knee. Tom grunted in agony and then scooped his arms around Harry’s skinny legs. He hoisted him up over his shoulder. I gasped and cackled at Harry struggling in Tom’s strong grip. 

“tommmmmm” Harry hollered punching his fists against Tom’s straight back. Tom laughed back, his lips parted in a full scheming grin. 

“c’mon guys I’m trying to watch the game” Haz whined, shoving his hand at the TV.

“ooo sorry grumpy” Tom replied sarcastically, cracking a wide eyed look at me. I rolled my eyes back and then looked over at Haz, he had his arms crossed over his chest with his eyebrows lowered in a sulk. 

“let me down!” Harry thrashed about, Tom finally set Harry down, his freckled face was flushed adorably red. He looked over at me in his embarrassed state and awkwardly pushed his curls back. Both of them slumped down into the crisp white leather chairs opposite Haz and I. 

“soooo, Tom mentioned there was something you wanted to tell Haz and I?” Harry said leaning forward. He rested his elbows on his spread knees and looked at me eagerly. 

“oh…uh…well” I stuttered and fumbled nervously over my words, I wasn’t sure how to announce it. I was anticipating more anger. “w-well (name) and I broke up” I said lowly, I careened my gaze to the ground, almost hunching my shoulders away from Haz. I hoped he hadn’t heard my words. My heart blasted its rhythm in my ears. Getting louder and more deafening by the second. 

“over text as well!” Tom hollered, he angrily slapped his back against cushioned chair. I could almost feel the heat in the room rising. 

“NO WAY!” I heard Haz cry from next to me. “THAT PRICK, I AM GOING TO KILL (him/her)!”

I couldn’t deal with all the emotions at once and suddenly they burst open through tears streaming down my face. Everything felt weighted on me. I hated when I made other people angry. I had never cried this much. I couldn’t stop, more and more salty sadness dribbled down to the corners of my mouth and slid against the tip of my tongue. My chin trembled and my lip pouted slightly, I felt weak and childish. My brain ran its fingers down the spine of my book of stressful thoughts, tinging every sad emotion and throwing it out. 

“now look what you’ve done” Tom announced slapping his hands against his knees.

“I’m sorry sis d-don’t c-cry, I didn't mean it like that” Haz’s strong hand crept up onto my back and moved slowly up and down in comfort. Tom stretched up and paced around to Haz, pushing his body between us. Haz’s touch left my back.

“why don’t you make cups of tea and we’ll do the comforting” He suggested nodding in Harry’s direction. Haz huffed, pressing his hands into the sofa cushion and stretching upwards. His indent in the soft sofa was replaced with Harry’s soft back resting against the cushioned material. I was still crying, it would burst through in lapping waves. Sometimes I would be snivelling and then a thought would collapse in my head and cause more breakage. 

“should we watch a film?” Harry stuttered

“yeah, it will take your mind off things” Tom said softly 

“how about…your favourite!” Harry said picking up the remote from the coffee table and scrolling through their selections of recorded films. “oh, oh Mamma Mia!” Harry grinned clicking on the film cover. I nodded and smiled weakly back. 

Haz set down 4 cups of steamy tea in front of us. Mine was the darkest in colour, just how I liked it. Bitter but full of sweetness. Tom went to sit on the chair next to Haz and Harry sidled up next to me. I could feel his emotional warmth tingling my senses. As the joyful music chimed out of the TV I rested my heavy head on Harry’s comfortable shoulder. His body felt soft against my head, intensely warm with happiness. His arm curled around my torso and we shifted more into each other, melting more as the movie went on. He somehow sealed the gaping holes inside me and made a small smile curl from the two sides of my lips. Harry’s hugs were like a little dose of warm and comfortable temperature heaven. Peace that calmed every single storm in my riveting head. Haz and Tom gazed at the TV aswell, Haz would dart a look over at me every so often. He was obviously checking I was okay.

“I’m sorry” He mouthed after his fifth gaze

“I’m fine now” I mouthed back nodding up at Harry. Haz nodded, smiling. 

“you don’t need a (him/her) anyways (y/n), you’ve got us” Harry leant down into my hair and whispered lowly into my scalp. His words danced down my back and through my skin pumping hot, red, happy wine into my veins. I felt intoxicated. 

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