#break up problems

I was fine. I was all glued back together, pieces were missing but I was fine. I was whole again, the anger was gone, the crying had stopped, I knew this was the best move in the end and yet here I am feeling like I’m back to square one.

I thought I was stronger then this. That seeing him again wouldn’t be so hard. I spent most of the day freaking out and thinking of only the worst possible scenarios in my head and the knot in my stomach felt like a canon ball, but I knew I could do it that I would be okay. That I would be left whole and there would be some kind of closure. But there wasn’t, and there’s no poetic way of putting it. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach a hundred times and I’ll never be happy again.

The way he looked through me, the way we couldn’t speak more then a hello or a goodbye to each other killed me. We can’t even be strangers to each other, it’s worse then that now. I used to light up around him, I would run off pure excitement and chemistry around him. I used to be able to look at him and just know things, but I couldn’t even catch his eye. I could sit across the table and feel him there like we were tethered somehow, now I sit there and feel nothing. I used to want him always and now it’s like everything’s been washed away and replaced with awkwardness and silence. I used to hear his voice and I would get chills, now they just ran me cold. I used to be able to call him mine and now he’s just him and I’m just me and there’s nothing. It’s gone.

And I almost wish he’d come back and save me, like some superhero. But I’m not even sure that it would make me feel better. I’m not sure I can go back at all. I want so many things and nothing at all. Sometimes people are just supposed to be lessons, maybe this is the hardest one I’ll have to learn. He gave me so much, more then I think he knows, and maybe it wasn’t love, but it felt like something, something with meaning, something I don’t think I will forget.