#breadvent

I probably won't be able to afford donate money all that much when I start HRT, and I feel like such a bad person because of it. Because like truly, I could! I could donate 100% of my income without dying, or starving, or whatever. You know I don't need to have savings or to have fun earrings or even to stream music or to buy food to and from home. I will be able to live without them. If we're being completely honest I wouldn't even physically die without HRT. With how suicidal I get from not being on it I could always ask to up my fluoxetine. Or I could just wait until I can go to the hospital for it. Like I will not physically die if I would spend all my money (for now at least, it's until I have to pay for my own health insurance). So I know I'm a bad person and I'm just hoarding my own money for no reason and I already know I will cut down on anything I perceive as fun so I can keep on donating money. But just. It really sucks that I'm a bad person without doing anything against it.

On the verge of tears again. Yay

You know that one scene in Serial Experiments Lain where everyone is staring at her and saying nothing? That is just my life right now

I'm so overstimulated from work it fucking sucked actually nothing about it was any fun whatsoever I fucking hate it I might as well quit they all hate me anyways what does it matter they fucking hate me I know it why else would they force me to cover up my arms they despise me I fucking know it they make me use those microfibre towels that feel like glass and make me use it but won't let me touch actual glass bc that's dangerous or whatever bullshit excuse they have. They hate me, they fucking hate me, but I can't leave. I need the money. Fuck this bullshit I don't even get why it would be like this

I hate being queer in this society. My manager was being all nice and kind about me changing my legal name and gender and then another random supervisor calls me a lday. I fucking hate this. Fuck gender dysphoria so fucking much I hate this why do people have to think I'm a girl so often

Turns out my family doesn't actually believe I'm trans. They ''just don't see it'' like they ever even see me. My mother understands that I'm an autistic queer man. My father thinks I'm a faker or smt. My grandmother is willing to believe me as long as I'm happy. Idk about my grandfather. But the rest of the family just doesn't believe me. Fuck them honestly. They KNOW about my suicide attempts. They know that I've been out for over 5 years. They fucking know how my friends call me and for how long. Literally why do they even think their opinion matters. Who do they even think they are. Literally why would their thoughts mean anything. Fuck them

I've got the flu rn and it feels like I'm dying. I can't even walk towards my meds and I don't want to eat anything. I've already lost weight so I'm back at sqaure one. Fuck this