#branchlikeatree

I’m so excited

Amanda: *looks at Anne Rice*: “she looks like she would write this book”

*Antonio appears onscreen* me: “I love him so much”

A: “why are we in San Francisco? Me: “..... that’s where he lives?” A: “but I thought. okay. I’m just gonna go with it”

me explaining why it’s the 90s:

“it’s...

the interview....

with the vampire”

*looking at interviewer* A: “hm. he’s gonna get murdered.”

“told ya he’s gonna get murdered” (he has not been murdered)

A: “that’s how they show he moves fast? using a whiplash sound?”

A: “uck, they did the thing. with the hands.” (talking about their bad nails)

Louis talking, Amanda *quietly*: “Oh please”

once again: “he’s gonna kill him”

Louis: “I couldn’t bear the pain of their loss” A: “So I hung out in a graveyard”

A: “I feel very defeated” Me: “Why?!” A: *offers no explanation*

A: *faking incredulity* is that Lestat?

A: “there’s no way that’s not Lestat”

*whore drops to her knees* A: Oh! *pushes hands to cheeks*

Lestat pulls Louis into the air, A: “what? this is very homoerotic. also why are they flying”

A: “wait, you said he had to drink the other guy’s blood” me: “he’s not turnt yet!”

A: “uck. what a drama boy.” (I forget which one this was about)

general facial expression: dismayed skepticism

Me: “they love the light but they can’t be in it anymore” A: “kay. that’s kind of sad I guess”

A: “there’s nothing about this that is not homoerotic”

A:“he just wanted a vampire boyfriend that’s literally it”

me: “he’s so gross. he bleeds all over his lace.”

A: “good makeup though.”

A: “he’s secreting. just not, on screen.”

*angel statue opens eyes* A: “ooh, ooh, don’t like that”

A: *about Louis*: “Don’t be so dramatic, this is stupid!”

me, @ Lestat: “Gross. brush your teeth.”

A: “ew, no, that is entirely too much tongue.” Me: “I don’t think it’s the tongue we’re worried about.”

insert snapchat video i sent to @branchlikeatree

A: “was he squeezing the rat? that’s not! that’s not how anatomy works! i don’t know, maybe for a rat it is”

Lestat: read her thoughts, Amanda: what? , Lestat: read her thoughts, A: *sighs*

A: “oh there’s that stupid thumb thing again”

A: “why did she kiss his nose??” 

A: *poodle dies* What?! *hides in blanket*

A: “oh, look at that flyline”

A: “what an ASShole”

Lestat: “life without me would be even more unbearable”, Amanda: “yeah, i stand by my statement”

“the nails!”

A: “is he gonna murder all of them? he’s gonna murder all of them”

A: “uck, those sleeves! honestly it’s a miracle he doesn’t set himself on fire on this scene”

A: *about Lestat* ooh, he mad, me: *chokes on donut*

sorry, multiple minutes of snapchat videos

“there’s no movie that’s too serious for bloopers”

A: “oh look at all those rats, capri suns..... oh no, I was kidding!”

A: “why is he walking like he’s injured?” Me: “because his heart hurts” “oh...okay”

A: “so they’re her dads”

A: “he has a gif-- hnnnnn the gift is the kid”

more snapchat videos, general dismay

Me, about Lestat/Tom Cruise: “I love... his hands. I really like... his hands.” A: “it’s a Good Look”

A: “she handled that a lot better than Louis did” A: “well Louis is a big baby”

A: “he makes a good dad but that was super manipulative” Me: “hhheee’s a bad person, amanda”

A: “that’s why he made you too, he wanted a boyfriend” “he... wanted a boyfriend?” “........yes” (post-movie: Still confused. She’s not explaining herself well)

A: “oh he’s so proud. he’s so proud of his little, murder child”

A: “character development! not for the better, but okay!”

A: “mercy kill!” Me: “What?” A: “this is leading to nothing but a mercy kill!” *me snorting*

A: “oh no is lestat gonna kill her???” insert me snorting more

A: *sees dead body in Claudia’s bed* “UH”

A: “Her hair’s never gonna grow back is it”

lmao

vaguely serious scenes, Amanda: “I’m mad I’m having feelings”

A: *Claudia runs off* “is she never seen again?” me: “... no” A: “wait, are you saying that she’s never seen again or that she’s seen again with skunk boy” SKUNK BOY

A: “oh there she is”

A: “are they gonna burn another house down?” me: *snorts again*

Lestat playing piano, Amanda: “I fully expected journey to start playing”

Lestat: “we forgive each other then?” Amanda: “aw”

Lestat: *actively bleeding out* me: “he’s fine”

*putting Lestat’s body in the swamp* Amanda: ew, ew, ew, ew, ew

A: “what, no, crocodiles? what the hell is going on?”

me, matter-of-factly: “they’re alligators”

A: “hnnn does Armand live in the swamp? (he should)

A: “I mean, is Lestat actually dead? Me: “I mean, did he look alive to you?” A: “no, but I don’t trust him”

A: “ope, there he is. I told you he wasn’t dead”

A: “do they light him on fire?” Me: “Louis does have a penchant for lighting things on fire” A: “I noticed”

Me: “sounds like the intro to a muse song” A: “it does”

A: *sarcastically*: “oh poor baby, you had to drink the blood of animals” A: “yeah like reptiles” A: *higher pitched* “he looks like the cRyPt KeEpEr!” (Amanda later explained this is from Freaky Friday)

A: “they lit him on fire! I told you they were gonna light him on fire!”

*Lestat, on fire, crawling on the ceiling* Amanda: “oh shut up, drama baby, you’re fine”

A: *uncertainly* “He’s not dead. *more insistently* He’s not dead!”

ME: “it’s like RENT, everyone is a terrible person but they kind of have a point”

A: “if i was one of the theatre vampires (she is) I think I would hate Lestat” Me: “oh yeah no, Armand detests Lestat”

PART 2 GO

“I had to like, psych myself up” (she later admits she was worried that Lestat wouldn’t be involved. She is in love)

me: “lookit him in that fur coat” A: “okay, Lestat rubbed off on you, buddy.”

A: *about Louis and Claudia* “are they like, in weird vampire love?” “...no”

Me: “I wonder how they did this [Santiago under the bridge], probably a camera on the ceiling” Amanda (at the same time): “he’s an actual vampire”

Santiago: “each one of you my clammy hands must touch”  Amanda: “don’t like that”

*Armand appears* Amanda, who didn’t see him rise from the background: “oh, shut up”

A: “why are his eyes red? this isn’t Twilight” Me: “they’re gold, so it is twilight” A *whiny, indignant*: “nuh UH! Because in Twilight--” *woman runs to Armand* “--aw”

A: *vampire play ends* “is no one gonna talk about this?”

Me, bitterly, about Armand: “He is NOT redeemable”

Also me, three seconds later: “I love him”

*Armand runs his fingers through fire* A: “Oh” (mood)

A: “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, his wig is fine” me, indignant: “okay, no, they should have given him a shorter ponytail with a ribbon. If he turned into his most beautiful form [originally], that ain’t it”

*shot of Armand and Louis two inches apart* A: “KISS!”

*Armand leaning up on the pillar like he hasn’t been there for the last four hours* me: he looks sO GoOd

me, rapidly: “my hair doesn’t look like his anymore so I’m free. I’m free!”

A: “so is Lestat like, actually dead?” Me, eyebrows raised: “Seems like it!”

A: “is Lestat about to like, rip everybody to shreds? because that’s what I want to happen”

*Louis, trapped in the coffin in the wall* A: “LoUiS!”

A: “He can PERISH! I’M MAD! Like actually mad!”

A @ Louis: “are you setting ANOTHER HOUSE on fire?” me: “..... no this one’s a theatre” A: .......*glares*

A: “there are other ways to deal with your problems, *fire spreads through wine* oh, that’s effective, though. Really effective.”

A: “Is this how Lestat finds Louis? He just looks for the biggest fire?” me: “It’s a good process. It’s like geo-tagging.”

me: [Louis] has his divorce coat on”

me: “the 80s were NOT a good time for suits” (I comment on Louis’ suit there EVERY TIME I watch this movie)

A: “It’s Lestat. It’s the stinky boy.” Me: “It’s Lestank”

me: “look rats” A: “juice boxes”

Lestat: *painstakingly turning in his spinny chair*, A: “take your time”

A: “Aw, he has PTSD, poor thing. ... Ah, dammit.” Me: “I knew it. You like the villains. *mutters* called that a mile away”

me, suddenly turning southern: “Tom Cruise has a Twitter. I ain’t gonna tweet ‘im, cuz this would be an embarrassing reason to.” (spoilers: I tweeted him)

this is it we’re coming up on the end

the drops in narrative are due to the videos that were taken but the point is made

THE END GOODBYE

Me: *intro credits start* This looks like it was made in 2002.

Is this intro supposed to be Lestat?? (It was)

Why is he (Lestat) like this?

Some randome guy:*Southern Drawl* Vampire

Me,about Lestat: *snorts* He would be a rockstar.

I prefer Tom Cruise's Lestat, but he has the emo look now so I guess this is fine. (It was not fine)

He (Lestat) stole this idea from the Theatre Vampires.

Oh, this (the movie) is bad.

Lestat is such a little shit.

Definitely 2002.

Is it Louis??? (It was not. Louis was nowhere to be seen)

Who is Jesse? Is she supposed to be the replacement Claudia?

I reject that?

*Child tries to eat blood tear*  Me: oh.

They're really playing up to the emo demographic, huh?

Ok. I'm confused.

Jesse is...figuring out...what secret organization? What???

Some  Other Random Dude (Turns out this is David):*Southern? Drawl* Jesse.

*David flips through painting after painting of Marius* Me: Marius also likes attention.

Oooh he old

HE MADE LESTAT

WHAT JOURNAL????

Jesse is in danger.

UCK. Bad French again.

The acting is So Bad.

Why does Marius look like Armand but red and with short hair. (He looks nothing like Armand, in reality)

What are these special effects?(terrible)

Lestat*Dying*Also Lestat: *speaks perfectly*

Lestat: "More." Me: Claudia??? Is that you??

Well, now I know where Lestat got all of his drama from for teaching Louis. (It was Marius)

*Lestat monologuing about wanting to be in the light* Me:Oh. Sad boy. He just wants "friends"

He(Lestat) is making a bad decision.

Called it *Lestat has to kill the violin lady*

Lestat is Louis now.

I am 30 minutes in and this is just Not Good

*Secret door opens*Lestat: "Marius?" Me:.... buddy.

Is this about to be the "original" vampire? (It was. Kind of.)

Me:*Sighs* I don't know what I expected.

Lestat: *bites the statue lady and the stone cronch* Me: EW

Of course, they're Egyptian vampires.

OF COURSE DRINKING FROM THE LIVING STATUE MAKES HIM SPECIAL

Jesse: *Finishes reading  the Journal and has Feelings over Lestat* Me: I can relate.

Oh, God. Pigtail buns. (...no context needed)

Jesse: *walking into coven lair* "I had no choice." Me: You definitely do!

She is in DANGEr

*Jesse, getting "hunted" by both men and women vampires* Me: Aaaaand we're back to homoerotic

Quit being a creep Lestat.

*Panicked hissing as Lestat attacks* Me: me too.

Lestat: That was a very good performance." Me: Ope. Well, that's going in the fic.

Lestat, to Marius:"How'd you make it through the 50's in crushed velvet?"Marius: "I slept" me: HA!

Marius: "I made you. I've always known where you are." Me: Yikes.

*throat of other statue ripped out* me: OH

Of course he thinks he can take on the vampire queen 🙄

The Acting is So BAD

Is her (Akasha’s )power belly dancing???

She just ripped out this guys heart and all of these people just look... vaguely concerned

OH HER POWER IS MUCH WORSE.

there they go. setting things on fire again.

Overconfident Lestat is Overconfident.

JESSE keeps putting herself in DANGER

Jesse: "Boo." Lestat:"Boo Back." Me: Oh, please.

Jesse:*literally asking to be turned by Lestat* Me: JESSE

Lestat: Do you trust me? Jesse: Yes. Me:*snorts* That's a mistake.

*Lestat monologues about the beauty and preciousness of mortality* Me: ah

Jesse: *Drags a pin over her Boob, cutting herself. * Me: EW OW NO

*He (Lestat) almost bites her and then doesn't* Me: Louis is that you???

Lestat growls, but it looks he's just yelling, me:"what"

*Get down with the sickness starts playing* WHAT

There is way too much going on.

Me: *quietly* Oh, no, the lip syncing.

JESSE IS IN DANGER AGAIN

This music is Really Emo

*Weird flying vampire fight starts*Me: *a feeling of general confusion and dismay*

Me: I thought this was about that Queen lady- *vampires start bursting into flames* ah, there she is.

WAIT NOW MY BOY IS IN DANGER

*the two fly off into the sky* me: there they go...

OF COURSE LESTAT IS THE QUEEN'S SPECIAL BOY

nails! The nails.

*During a weird rose petal filled bath tub sex scene* Me: Why do they always go for the nipple???

Me: *about the queen*I swear to God if she kills Lestat I'm going to throw something.

??????????? Two plots??????This doesn't make sense. Jesse's mom is a vampire....but it's not her real mom??

And the sun doesn't kill him because........ (They later explain it's because he drank Akasha's blood, which... I mean, I guess?)

Ope. The queen murdered a lot of people.

Lestat: *has feelings for all the dead people.* Me: "Oh.....he's learning."

.....they are going to kill Lestat.

Akasha (the queen) would HATE the Cullens

This is....really only just barely patched together.

Lestat: *Draining Jesse of her blood* Me: he went for the boob again.

I feel like these people are important in the book but I just do not know what is going on at this point.

Lestat is so proud of his new vampire girlfriend.

Is...is that really how they decided to end the movie??