#my behavior

I have this?

But I always seem to get like this. In elementary school, I always struggled to answer my parents when they asked how my day went. Same in High School, honestly. I struggle to recall everything, and I don't often tell people at school the same things I'd tell my dad or write down in posts on here. Besides when I'm being bullied or suffering or feeling overwhelmed, I didn't remember to tell my parents everything. And yet the people at school also never saw the negative side I showed my parents. My teachers didn't see me yell at them or share my interests freely and openly. Because my brain seemingly views those as things only safe to do around my parents or to express in notes and stuff with a level of distance between me and anyone reading it.

I'm basically different in every situation, almost like a chameleon based on my environment. Some different environments I want to try and explain now include me in private, me around my dad, me on here (tumblr or the internet) and me in school. So let's get into it.

In private (aka when nobody is around me), I don't talk much and I mostly only speak to make sure I'm alone or to talk to myself or whatever. I'm angry sometimes, but not really as much as I could be. Alone, I'm frequently more introspective, I think. I don't often think too hard about my behavior when I'm alone, so it's kind of hard to describe it. It might be me at my most enigmatic, then.

When I'm around my dad, I have way less inhibitions. Since my dad cooks for me, runs my baths and showers, does the laundry, makes my bed, sets up my pills for me and a whole lot more stuff too, I really have a close bond with him. This bond shows itself in many ways. For one, I share most of my interests with him. He's probably the only person (besides my mom, now deceased) who I would've shared basically all of my interests and interests with. He's also the only person to see me at my angriest. He's seen me yell at him. He's seen me hitting him. I've done this since childhood, and I know it's not good. But because my dad never treats me any lesser for it, I think I feel safe letting myself do it. I feel safe showing these sides of myself as long as I'm around my dad. Sometimes it'll slip out even when I'm around him in public, but I'm working on controlling that.

Online here, I have almost an equal lack of inhibitions. When I post stuff, I share freely and openly. People on here know about almost all my interests, and they've seen my anger issues in my writing. The only thing I don't do on here is go beyond posting. I won't make moves to form deeper interpersonal relationships, because I get too nervous to and I always back out before I can let all my inhibitions go.

In Elementary School and High School, I behaved very formally. I barely talked, I focused on my work, I was polite and I was incredibly quiet. Most teachers from grade 5 to grade 9 probably only ever knew that I was shy and liked reading. I think I opened up a bit more in grades 1 to 4 and in my last two years of in person High School, but I still never opened up too much. And y'know... despite being a very closed book there, school in the style of elementary school and high school was still really nice. I miss it. College isn't providing me the same consistency I felt High School did, and it's deeply upsetting.

me, whos the one getting cut off without knowing what the shit i did:

Baby Jane - My Behavior - Official Music Video

It’s said that Norwegians is born with skis on their feets, the Swedes i’m pretty sure are born with metal in their veins 🤘 

What does that even say about the whole situation. Surely there's a lot of healing that needs to be done.