#brain gremlins

It's doing that thing again. Pressing on with a fleet of trains of thought on their criss crossing tracks, crashing into each other or attempting to Tokyo Drift on rails.

Thoughts are currently revolving around subject matters like job search, correct answers during interviews, sense of worth, skill or lack there of, capability and willingness, the injustice that is capitalism, time, supporting our autistic daughter, idealism, am I good friend, or even just good enough, do I pass a bar or minimum standard, am I socially repulsive and that's why I can't get a decent job, am I even capable of office work or am I only suited to menial labour and minimum wage even though the minimum wage is an arbitrary number throw on a politicians dartboard so that there is a poverty class workforce to be exploited for the benefit of the rich, why did I miss so many opportunities to be rich, I'm incapable of contemplating the future beyond an abstract feeling with no true structure or planning methodology, but I still want to be useful and supportive to friends, family and society, isn't that a worthy ambition, I know it doesn't have to be a requirement and I can live a hermitted life if I wanted to, and sometimes I do, I never brought the office based skills to the forefront, and situations kept me from developing my hardware skills to be self employed, not that I even have the self discipline to manage myself in self employment because I can't even determine my own worth, and if I did no one would even consider purchasing my stuff or services because I can't imagine taking money from people who could do something more important with it for their benefit.

Literally within the last five minutes has this come upon me.

I wish to write unhinged things and inflict them upon people all willy-nilly.

If I do this thing, I will most definitely regret it and wish to be swallowed up by the earth.

However, the urge remains strong at the moment.

Except I woke up tired and distinctly unsociable, so I decided to skip the breakfast and just go to the exhibitions today instead.

This morning I woke up even more tired, plus it snowed where I live, and it's going to snow in Brussels this afternoon. Tomorrow's supposed to be sunny, so I'm pushing it back yet another day.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the couch having a mild panic attack and feeling weepy about not being productive enough on my days off. My brain is very stupid sometimes.