#bpdblogger

I grew up hating myself. Forever feeling useless, like I could have done more to fight the bullies, like I could have done more to prevent myself becoming mentally ill. But in reality I was a child, wrestling most days with my own mind and my environment. Body image is of course highly linked to our mental health, living with bpd (Undiagnosed until my early 20’s) It’s hard to see your true self, sense of self isn’t something I had any familiarity with. So when people berated me for the shape of my body, I believed this body was unacceptable for this world. So I shrunk myself as much as I could, physically and mentally. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Followed by more insults daily, I learned that fat was the worst thing I could possibly be in life. I harmed this body in so many ways to cope with the mental illness I was living with, but when I threw up from drinking too much my instant thought was “yes, I’m going to lose weight” In those moments as much of a mess I was I felt achievement, my brain automatically jumped to those thoughts every time I was sick for a very long time Sometimes it’s hard not to fall back into old patterns, sometimes those thoughts creep back. Why would I celebrate putting my body through that? Why would I ever say “at least I’ve lost weight” after weeks of being ill with the flu? Why would I celebrate being ill? I developed an unhealthy relationship with food and my body from a young age, because we are taught that we should despise our bodies if they are not what the media portrays are the perfect body. The media is teaching your sons and daughters to hate themselves before they have a chance to develop self love. The media is teaching people that it’s okay to berate and judge other people’s bodies and make them feel less than. I think it’s well overdue that we question this and how toxic it is, and how dangerous it is. I’m learning self love and self worth, I’m learning to adopt a better relationship with food. Disordered eating and bpd better watch out, I won’t shrink myself anymore. ✨ Lingerie is dottie by @curvykate from @brastop ✨ #disorderedeating #disorderedeatingrecovery #bpd #bpdblogger #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bodyconfidence (at Scarborough, North Yorkshire)

I hope one day we all feel represented. I hope one day we can live in a world where we can relate to people in the media and feel we have things in common with them, rather than idolising them and wishing to be more like them than ourselves. I hope for a future where young girls and boys look at the media and don’t think “I wish I looked like that” I grew up with that mindset, that I needed to look like someone entirely different to feel worthy. My self esteem hit an all time low in my teens, I didn’t look like the girls in magazines, I didn’t look how I felt I needed to look to be worthy of love. Once my body started to develop, I became known for having big boobs in my friendship group and in my head I saw that as something that made me worthy, I’d seen it in the media that big boobs were attractive. It’s the only thing about my appearance I remotely liked, because I got attention from it. Looking back, I didn’t get attention at all, what I got was harassment. Relying on my body to give me a sense of worthiness was all I had because I didn’t know who I was inside, I was living with borderline personality disorder without knowing it. I had no idea who I was, my heart and my mind constantly felt pain and agony, I couldn’t decipher my own worth through my compassion or my intelligence because I didn’t recognise them. But now I’m 26, I realise that no matter the way my body looks I am worthy. This body is fat This body is disabled This body is scarred This body is mine. Every body is worthy of respect and love. Im here to tell you that your body is good enough, the media can shove it. #bpdblogger #mentalillness #allbodiesaregoodbodies #allbodiesdeserverespect #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bodyconfidence #selfworth #selflove #ptsd #chronicillnessawareness #effyourbeautystandards

Repost @umeandbpd The easiest advice to give, and sometimes the hardest to take. But we should all fight to be kinder. . . . #mentalhealth #mentalhealthblogger #mentalheathmatters #bpdblogger #bpd #bpdlife #kind #bekind #selfcare #talkaboutmentalhealth https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnaw8LlA7Pe/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=s8qv7si85oca

I just spent the past two days in Manchester with @abrom93 for his birthday (which is officially tomorrow) Spending time in big cities is difficult for me, I enjoy it of course and had a lovely time but it’s overwhelming. I have things in place to help me now when I’m in crowded and loud places which really helps me. • let the person I’m with know if I don’t feel well • express to them wether it is mental health or physical health related • let them know if I need to sit down or find somewhere quiet to rest for a little bit • regular toilet stops • learn when I have done enough and know when to stop • learn not to feel guilty for my needs • take things as slow as I need • stay hydrated • eat • leave if I need to • don’t put pressure on myself and don’t allow anyone else to put pressure on me • spend my time with people who understand my needs • don’t feel ashamed if I need to cry • allow myself complete silence if needs be For me personally these things help me stay more relaxed, they help me feel less panicked and I do not feel pressured to do anything if I can’t manage it. Expressing yourself and your needs to your loved ones should be easy, we shouldn’t feel ashamed if we need to stop at any point! I’m so grateful to be with someone who is caring and attentive, we may have taken the past two days slow and not fit as much in as we used to but we still had an amazing time and that’s what counts! The heat could probably have done with not being a thing though!! ❤️ #supportivepartner #suporttivebf #support #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalillnessawareness #endthestigma #speakup #speakout #boundaries #yougotthis #copingtools #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #bpdblogger #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue (at V Rev Vegan Diner)

Today I’m struggling, and that’s okay. I think we’re conditioned to think that struggles make us weak, when in fact they don’t! I’m not weak because I’m having a bad time with my health, I’m resilient. I think we need to give ourselves much more credit when it comes to living with mental illness and chronic illness. We all achieve so much without even recognising it because we haven’t been taught that small achievements matter. But they do, massively. Today I woke up at 6am throwing my guts up, tossing and turning in agony on the bathroom floor It wasn’t pleasant by any means, but I breathed through it and held myself and reassured myself it’s going to be okay and allowed my body to rest I accepted that today my body needs a break, i achieved acceptance which I have been struggling with massively. I feel very low and depressed, I’m not feeling overly hopeful but I’m writing a post about it because it helps me and others. Another achievement! Opening up isn’t easy and I’m proud of myself for creating this space to talk openly. Take some time each day to learn to recognise just how amazing you’re doing, small achievements matter, small steps matter! You’re probably doing so much and making progress that you don’t recognise, I hope you realise soon just how resilient you are. We are warriors and we stand (or y’know lay down because standing is agony) together. I appreciate it’s hard to see the small things as worthy and worthwhile but small things always carry us through life and they deserve much more attention and appreciation than they get. So, if all you did today was breathe and keep yourself alive I’m proud of you because that’s amazing! 💖 #smallthingsinlife #smallsteps #smallstepseveryday #babysteps #mentalhealthwarrior #worthit #bpdblogger #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #cptsdrecovery #smallachievementscount #smallthingsmatter (at Scarborough, North Yorkshire)

One thing my mental illness robbed me of when I was younger was my education. I was already struggling mentally and I’m top of that I was being bullied and then I started having no epileptic seizures and the bullying got worse and obviously so did my mental health. After I left school I’ve constantly struggled to get back into education, college was just as unsupportive as school, I had to give up on education for a while to concentrate on myself. All of this in itself also had an affect on my mental health, being behind everyone, watching everyone excel and go to colleges and university and working, it’s always so hard not to compare yourself! I’m 26 currently and I’ve recently gone back to do my maths and English at gcse level, I was in hospital when exams were happening at school and didn’t get many GCSE’s. I recently sat my written and reading exam for English and today I found out I passed them both! I did my first speaking and listening exam today also which is huge for me! All of this is huge for me and giving me so much hope to continue education. As you all know I’m battling massively with my physical health issues which are also doing their best to get in my way of education but I’m doing everything I can to keep going and get to where I want to be. My aim is to eventually go to university! I love learning, I always have from a young age! this is why I’m so passionate about raising awareness of mental illness in young people, it can take so much from you. I would love to eventually talk in schools about mental illness. I plan on doing a counselling degree, I want to help people. Even being able to talk about this and knowing I could be going to uni either this year or next year shows me how much progress I’ve made. Therapy has helped me immensely and so had medication! But the people in my life have played such a huge part in my recovery. If it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t have gone to the doctors, I wouldn’t have accessed help at all. Having people in your life who stand with you and sway you in the right direction is everything! #bpdblogger

My account is one years old today! I genuinely didn’t realise till I was scrolling my Facebook memories otherwise I maybe would have done a give away or something! When I first opened this account, i kept it private because I was anxious! I was ready to share my story but I wasn’t ready for the whole world to see me just yet, however after a while I realised that What I actually needed was to be seen and heard so I made my page public and since doing so I’ve met so many incredible people and made strong friendships and connections with people through this account which means the world! I was to say a special thank you to @selfloveclubb for encouraging me to start this page and for sharing it when I first started posting, having her support has really helped me connect with so many of you beautiful people! I want to thank all of my friends, every single one of you for being a part of my life. There’s no possible way I could tag all of you but you know who you are. This page has helped me so much, I’ve grown and learnt so much 💖 I love you all, always! ✨ #happybirthday #oneyearold #celebrate #mymhjourney #borderlineandsurviving #bpdblogger #blogger #instabirthday #instablogger #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth

Mood swings, we all experience them don’t we? So when you hear people talk about mood swings in relation to their mental illness, you might think you understand. You might look at the symptoms of bpd especially and find it all very relatable and question of maybe you have it, because you experience the symptoms. The thing is those symptoms are on a spectrum and it all depends on how far on the spectrum you experience them. You can have mood swings and not have bpd, because it’s something everyone experiences. As may is bpd awareness month I would like to try and give you some insight on what it is like to live with it, how hard it is to navigate through life. I can go from incredibly elated, feeling full and ready to take on the world one minute to feeling suicidal the next. For instance these photos were taken in the same day, first photo is a little edited I will admit but not much, I was feeling fearless and confident I was feeling so intensely agitated to get out and just make something of my life right that second, my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t slow it down. When I came home an hour later I dropped onto my bed and cried all my make up off, not long after I had gotten outside my mood dropped from high up in the sky down to the ground and further. Suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, aching pains in my chest and stomach like an intense feeling of heartbreak, exhausted and broken. My mood swings are in extremes. My mood swings are intense. My mood swings are not cute. My mood swings can be dangerous for me. I wake up every day knowing that this can happen, I’m lucky I have over a years worth of therapy under my belt to tackle these symptoms should they come but not everyone has that privilege. Not everyone knows how to handle these extremes and it can be absolutely terrifying. If you have someone in your life who has bpd or any mental illness for that matter who suffers with intense extreme mood changes, please be patient because no doubt that person is just as terrified if not more so than you. ✨ #bpdblogger (at Scarborough, North Yorkshire)