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Woke up this morning with no voice, an abundance of energy, and an all-consuming urge to plan out an Otome game, spent the afternoon researching pasta types and uses before crashing at 4, waking up at 9, then proceeding to consume my bodyweight in plain wheat tortillas while learning a viral k-pop dance while my housemate marked exams at the kitchen table... can we tell my scrip ran out last week and I've done nothing about it? Yes, yes we can.
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Me: I'm bipolar and can't keep my house clean.
The world: But... other people are bipolar and have clean houses.
Me: Other people have support systems. I have two cats and five aquariums of guppies and snails.
The world: Um... why... five?
Me: Think about the first two words... I'm bipolar.
Though Iβm able to control the majority or my BPD2 disorder symptoms with cannabis, every once in a while I still get a really over the top manic episode (like now) simply because I start my new job tomorrow and Iβm super nervous.Β
Iβm grateful to be on zero prescriptions, but sometimes this part is a killer.
Anxiety
Iβm suffocating
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Hypomania over, I feel nothing now except for dread. I keep thinking about how I want to cease existing and how I wish I could just stop my whole life for a little bit and take a break.
My rent just went up, so I need to take the promotion I get offered at work so I can make enough money to pay it. I donβt think I can handle the responsibility of being a manager because Iβm so inconsistent and irresponsible. Itβs not like I donβt try to be better than I am but I just am what I am.
I feel terrible, I want to give up, but for now I will persist and take it one day at a time.
