An FP doesn’t have to be romantic. Trust me, the best (/j) aromantic borderline around. Because none of my FPs have been romantic (even though I used to think so). They might come across that way to some amatonormative allos. But I am still aromantic when I have an FP. For example, now!

People say I write too much poetry about the same topic (my fp) but what I’ve got to say is you will never understand. My fp is just poetic. His existence is poetry. He’s so gorgeous and awesome and he is not the same topic. He is a theme because the theme is actually that I’m consumed by how they’re just an awesome, gorgeous person who my mind focuses on way too much but I don’t mind because if I had to choose one thing to focus on for the rest of my life, I would obviously choose him. Technically I would choose him for everything good. I just love that guy. He’s amazing and I would do anything for him to be happy. Anyway it’s not the same topic. Sometimes I focus on his hair for my poetry; sometimes I focus on his eyes; sometimes his lips; sometimes his shoulders; sometimes his hands; sometimes just my imagination. He has a personality too; that can be a topic of it. And then everything else. I just love his existence; he gives me so much ideas to write about.

I kinda constantly read about how being single gets rid of like a majority of borderline symptoms. That is not the case for me. People just believe that fps are only romantic but as an aromantic with bpd, that is not reliable information. I do know that I have a pattern with who are my fps but I don’t believe that even alloromantic borderlines only have favourite people who they have romantic intent towards- in fact I know they don’t. I’ve never been in a relationship where I have actually had romantic feelings. When I have an fp, a lot of my symptoms are worse but that is not the same as dating. In addition to this, different symptoms get emphasised when I don’t have an fp. This may be because my previous fp has abandoned me, causing me to emotionally distant myself from everyone else but I am not completely sure.

I’m going to talk about the connection between my borderline personality and my aromanticism in this post. I find it funny when people talk about romance. I truly don’t believe it exists. Maybe that’s just me. No one has ever described it in a way that I don’t describe platonic attraction as. “Feeling butterflies and wanting to be around them all the time”- that’s just a usual experience for me. I used to believe my FPs were my crushes but they weren’t. I know that they weren’t. I loved all of them a lot for a short time for some. It wasn’t romantic- if it was romantic, I would understand romance. I love the idea of romance. How people talk about it being the person you’re closest to, how it’s two-sided and equal and how you get to spend time together. In theory, friendship is that too. Friendship can be a tonne of things. Mainly just being there and understanding and caring and wanting to be with them sometimes. To me, I don’t know if I see a point in friendship, I know what I use it for. I know what I used to use the excuse of romance for. I also know that I’ll never be fully successful in getting what I need from a friendship. I know that I can’t let myself have it. Romance would be deadly for me. Romance would ruin everything that I am. I already get way too committed to my friendships and romance would be a step up. It would be the only thing in my life. It would consume me. I’d get so unwell that when it ends by my hands or theirs that I wouldn’t be able to do anything- even more than that statement is true now. I would go through patterns of falling in love and then falling out of it or staying in it for a long time but replacing person with person. I would quickly lose my identity. Romance already makes me ill and I don’t even experience it. I just wish that romance was an option sometimes because even though I know that it isn’t, I feel like romance would be good for me, that it would take my abandonment fears away. I don’t do long term things so romance would be gone one day. I would be the abandoner at some points and I can’t imagine doing that.