#borderline fp

upon somehow being able to pay and grab my things and rush outside I immediately realised I got triggered in both good (apparently) and bad way because I got thrown back emotionally into this memory of me having betrayed my ex's trust in that one crucial moment and I started fucking crying but it was both painful as much as it was purifying ig idk

from this point onwards I was terrified of billion and one thing that could potentially happen but every couple of days or so I had to go do groceries. and I was not doing good mentally overall because of some other things happening in my life at that time aka being alone in the house with two abusers and having to take care of plenty of things on my own

I was at least convinced he'd remain working there for at least until the end of the summer season

for the first couple of weeks of him being the cashier I wasn't feeling ready to choose his cash register again. luckily there was always at least one more register open whole the time the one at the very bottom of the row so I'd go there especially whenever I had to call this stupid bad family member to come help me out with lifting the heavy stuff because I didn't want them to embarrass me in front of someone I might care about like they always do nor did I want to burden my fave cashier with their usual shit

yes I am slow.

It almost seemed as if he noticed me and my humble presence despite being surrounded by other coworkers and saying stuff like, "oof I only got a short term memory haha" a couple of times when I could hear. once he randomly appeared behind me when I was picking up my package from the parcel shop I usually go to located near the entrance of the supermarket passing right besides me and another time he came to grab a single empty shopping basket for no apparent reason from the other cash register I kept unloading my goods onto. it's as if he was everywhere I happened to be as well making sure to be noticed

however I didn't give in despite liking him because I was both terrified and anxious making sure to avoid eye contacts and any potential convo at all cost especially when the family member was present because I don't want this member to know anything about me or my life or my people

next time I came to do groceries it felt as if some weight has has been lifted off my back it got a bit easier to make decision to try going to his cash register because the entire story was getting stupid but I noticed he wasn't in that shift so I said mkay I'll try the next one and the next one and the next one but he wasn't nowhere to be seen so I realised his work span was even shorter than I had initially estimated

never asked any of his coworkers about him but everyone else I told a fraction of this story to has said nah its not cause of you that he quit he surely found a new job or had exams or their contract expired or was moved to another store or anything else really but not you

doubt I'll ever see him again and I'm sure he already forgot about my existence long ago but I'm still checking out all the registers eyeing them hoping for a miracle every time I do my groceries

mayhaps it's about time I stopped doing that

I wish we swapped places.

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