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Unpopular Opinion: Naruto’s Decision to Adopt Kawaki Was Actually Really Dumb
First things first: I have nothing against Kawaki. The anime version of him has quickly become one of my favorite kids after Mitsuki and Sumire. And Naruto deciding to adopt Kawaki is a sweet way for him to help a misunderstood “monster boy” like himself.
But let’s be honest here: If Naruto didn’t have talk no jutsu, this adoption would have blown up in his face faster than an explosive tag. Let’s go through the sequence of events, shall we?
Konohamaru: Naruto, there’s this teenage boy who’s a living scientific ninja tool who almost killed me and your son in a giant explosion.
Shikamaru: This kid might be too dangerous to let in the village. We know nothing about him.
Naruto: Aw, but he’s just a kid. Let me at least talk to him.
[Naruto and Sai go on a train and don’t check their phones for updates during the entire ride.]
Sai: Now remember, Naruto, just because this Kawaki is a kid doesn’t mean he’s not a threat.
Naruto: I guess... I mean, I know I was ready to try Sumire and Ryogi and Mitsuki as adult traitors despite extenuating circumstances, but something about this boy I’ve never met and know nothing about makes me want to give him a chance.
[Naruto steps off the train and finds Kawaki duking it out with his police force. He absorbs Kawaki’s karma bomb attack and hugs the feral child.]
Because of plot armor, Kawaki quickly passes out, Naruto takes him home, and the rest of the family welcome Kawaki into the Uzumaki household without complaint. But if Naruto weren’t an ex-protagonist, the situation might have ended up something like this:
Scenario 1:
Naruto: I’ve decided. I’m going to adopt you.
Kawaki: Let go of me, asshole!
[Kawaki panics and stabs Naruto in his unprotected stomach.]
Naruto: Oh. Ow.
Sai: I warned you!
Scenario 2:
Naruto: I’ve decided. I’m going to adopt you.
Boruto: WHAT? Dad, this guy almost killed me five hours ago!
Naruto: But he looks so sad. He reminds me of how I was as a child - stuck with a godlike power that I didn’t understand, hated and feared by everyone I met.
Sumire: You know, I also have a godlike power that I struggle to control. It would be really helpful for me to have an older jinchuuriki to guide me and help me heal from my tragic past.
Naruto: Sorry, but you’re a girl, so I don’t identify with your trauma.
Boruto: Dad, I don’t feel safe standing near this guy, let alone living in the same house.
Naruto: You’ll warm up to him soon enough. When I was your age, I had plenty of people try and murder me, but now I’m friends with all of them!
Boruto: I hate you more now than I did 190 episodes ago.
Scenario 3:
Naruto: I’ve decided. I’m going to adopt you.
Boruto: You can’t be serious. Dad, you barely have the time to pay attention to the kids you already have, let alone a third emotionally unstable stranger.
Naruto: I’ll make it work, believe it!
[Naruto kidnaps Kawaki against his will and carries the boy home.]
Himawari: Who is this, Daddy?
Naruto: This is Kawaki. He was an enemy combatant who almost blew up a small town, but now he’s your new big brother. Say hi, Kawaki!
[Kawaki flails against his restraints and knocks over The Vase, which shatters spectacularly.]
Hinata: Oh hell no.
Naruto: “No”? I’ve never heard you say that word before.
Hinata: It’s bad enough that I have to cook, clean, and raise two children by myself. Now I have to be a social worker too?
Naruto: Come on, Hinata, surely it won’t be that much more work. Just make an extra plate when you cook dinner.
Hinata: That’s what you said when you brought home the fugitive racoon demon.
Naruto: And this’ll be the same. Shukaku wasn’t that bad, right?
Hinata: He SHAT SAND, Naruto! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO VACUUM SAND FROM SHAG CARPETING?
Naruto: Um...no?
Hinata: IT’S WORSE THAN GLITTER!
Naruto: Sweetheart, I’m sure Kawaki is potty-trained.
[Kawaki sees an opening and looks Hinata dead in the eyes.]
Kawaki: If you hold me captive here, I promise I will shit on the carpet.
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