#bonitabreezy

He slept poorly, tossing and turning. He stole pillows out from under Caduceus’s head and pulled all of the blankets over to his side. He kicked and elbowed like he was trying to wrestle in a fighting pit. Caduceus wondered if he’d misunderstood something about relationships, because he’d thought sharing a bed was pretty standard. Was there something wrong with him? Were they just incompatible?

Fjord shifted again, turning over to his side to face away from Caduceus and growling softly under his breath, taking most of the covers with him again. Caduceus sighed despairingly and sat up, the room around them barely visible in the post-midnight darkness. He glanced over at Fjord and gave an exasperated but fond sigh, reaching over to run his fingers through Fjord’s longer-than-ever hair. Fjord snuffled in his sleep but didn’t stir.

Caduceus pushed himself to his feet. If he couldn’t sleep, maybe he could at least ask the Wildmother what he should do about his new, unexpected predicament. Because that was the dilemma – he absolutely did not want anything that was happening to stop. He wanted to share a bed with Fjord, no matter how annoying he was. He wanted to keep these soft moments. He didn’t know how to reconcile this, and it was rare that Caduceus found himself out of his depth.

He’d almost made it to the door when he heard Fjord murmur from the bed, “Caduceus.”

He turned to face him, worried that he’d woken him, and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Fjord smiling sleepily at him, so soft and sweet and trusting that Caduceus felt terrible about being so bad at relationships. Fjord seemed to sense his mood; his brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Caduceus said, trying to keep his voice calm. “I just can’t sleep so I’m going to make some tea.”

Fjord watched him for a long moment. “You don’t have to deflect with me,” he said finally. “Not anymore. Not about this.”

Caduceus sighed and returned to the bed, sitting next to Fjord heavily. He wished Fjord would realize he didn’t see it as deflecting – Caduceus didn’t like to force anyone to deal with his feelings, that was all. But Fjord had decided that it was his own personal challenge, and it was nice to be aggressively cared about, really it was.

It also meant it was really hard to not be honest with Fjord about his feelings.

“Fjord,” he started, not meeting Fjord’s eyes and picking at the side of one of the blankets with his thumb. “I—I’m so happy.” He snuck a glance up at Fjord, but other than a raised eyebrow, he didn’t seem too disturbed by this beginning. “So, so happy.” He took Fjord’s hand, squeezing it in his. “But I haven’t been sleeping.”

“You haven’t been sleeping,” Fjord repeated before a yawn overtook him. He laughed, so charming even sleep-addled, and gave Caduceus a soft grin, reaching over and running his hands along his hair. “I’m sorry. Is that my fault?”

“Fjord, I don’t want to screw this up,” Caduceus confessed, closing his eyes desperately. It was so, so hard to ask for things he needed. What had made him like that? His childhood? Those years left alone? It was so easy for him to look into the soul of another person, to see how the threads of their life were woven together to create both the problems that plagued them and the joys that sustained them. When he looked into his own, though, it was like looking into a void. “I’m scared,” he finally admitted.

Fjord’s facial expressions went from charmingly sleepy to charmingly confused. “You’re scared because you haven’t been sleeping?”

Fjord did not share Caduceus’s gift of deep insight – it was a compliment in and of itself that he had even noticed that Caduceus deflected from talking about his feelings. If Caduceus wanted to make a point, he was going to have to spell it out.

“I’m scared because this was supposed to be easy,” Caduceus confessed, not looking Fjord in the eye again. “In the books I’ve read, it’s always easy. And it is easy, until we go to sleep.”

“Hey,” Fjord said, his voice soft. “Sleep is important. You need it to get your spells back.” He gently brushed a strand of Caduceus’s hair from his face. “Do you think my feelings for you were going to change because you can’t share a bed with me?”

Caduceus felt his face heat, which was ridiculous, because his fears were not so fully formed as all that. It was more of an amorphous thing, this fear that if he voiced his needs out loud, people would find them too demanding. People would leave.

“Is that okay? That I might need to go back to our old sleeping arrangement? I thought relationships—”

Fjord squeezed Caduceus’s hand. “Relationships are what we decide they are, Caduceus.” He grinned at him. “I sound like you, right now. How did this happen?”

Caduceus couldn’t help himself and found himself grinning back, charmed. “I’m so proud of you,” he said.

“Hold on,” Fjord said, “I have an idea.” He released Caduceus’s hand and climbed out of bed, and Caduceus blinked, puzzled.

He watched, utterly flabbergasted, as Fjord began to pull at the side of the bed, dragging apart the two twin beds that they had shoved together two nights ago at the inn when they’d arrived in Zadash. A few moments later, the beds were separate once more.

“What—” Caduceus said. “You didn’t have to do that so late at night.”

“You need to sleep,” Fjord said stubbornly, returning to Caduceus’s side. “Your needs are important too, Caduceus.” He leaned in to press a kiss against his lips, soft pressure and a tiny bite of tusks. Caduceus chased the kiss when Fjord tried to pull away, yanking him back to keep him there a bit longer. He was really getting fond of kisses.

They pulled apart slowly, somewhat reluctantly. Caduceus smiled at Fjord. “You’re a miracle,” he said.

“You haven’t been sleeping, your brain’s addled,” Fjord said with a laugh, tousling Caduceus’s hair, his eyes so fond that Caduceus leaned in to kiss him again before making his way over to the other bed. Fjord lay back down in his and turned to face Caduceus, the two of them watching each other across the gap in the floor. “I’m letting you sleep in,” Fjord told him.

“I probably will need it,” Caduceus confessed. His eyelids were already heavy, now that he was horizontal and had the space he needed to spread out comfortably. A few moments later, he drifted off into sleep, the last image in his mind still Fjord, smiling back at him from the other bed.

A few days later…

For the first time since they’d begun to sleep apart, Caduceus found himself blinking awake in the morning hours earlier than Fjord, who was still snuffling softly in his sleep in the other bed. He felt amazingly refreshed. He was getting enough sleep, all his spells were back, and his relationship with Fjord felt stronger than ever.

He climbed out of bed, ready to start his day, when his eyes lit on Fjord’s sleeping form and an idea struck him. Instead of putting on his armor and heading out to find food, he gently climbed into the other bed with Fjord instead, careful not to wake him as he positioned himself around him and cuddled up to him, wrapping his arms around him. Fjord made a small, contented noise and burrowed into him.

Caduceus took the opportunity to meditate, enjoying the comforting feeling of Fjord against him and thanking the Wildmother for this gift.

Eventually, Fjord slowly came awake in his arms. When he saw Caduceus curled around him, he grinned, wide and guileless. “The one thing I missed,” he said, leaning up to cup Caduceus’s face in his palm, “was waking up with you.”

“Relationships are what we decide they are,” Caduceus echoed Fjord’s words from their conversation several nights before. “As long as I’m awake, I like sharing a bed with you.”

Fjord smiled again, eyes bright, and pulled him down for a kiss.