#boderlinepersonalitydisorder

Although not currently list in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder is recognized as a subcategory of Borderline Personality Disorder. Quiet BPD is an internalized disorder, while BPD is an externalized disorder.

So what is the difference? Someone with Quiet BPD will "implode" rather than someone with BPD, who will "explode". Someone with Quiet BPD feels all the same emotions that a person with BPD would, but they internalize the emotions and feelings, masking it as best they can, and take the hurt out on themselves rather than lashing out as other like someone with BPD would. A person with Quiet BPD can, on a surface level, appear calm, successful, and or even happy. However, below surface level they can be plagued with deep fears of abandonment, toxic shame, and sever anxiety of conflicts.

For the reason that someone with Quiet BPD masks these symptoms so well, mental health professionals can often misdiagnose, or completely over-look, this disorder.

What are some signs and symptoms of Quiet BPD?

Calm demeanor on the outside even when suffering from extreme pain on the inside.

Extreme mood swings that seem to come from nowhere.

Hiding anger, sometimes to the point you don't know it when you are angry.

Tendency to blame yourself for things even when they are not your fault.

When relationships end or conflicts arise, you immediately assume you did something wrong.

Outward image that appears 'normal', calm and successful.

Feeling like there is something defective about you.

Mentally retreating and can become dissociated when stressed.

Continuous feelings of being empty or numb.

When someone upsets you, instead of seeking clarification or confronting them, you immediately withdraw and may end the relationship without speaking to the person.

You feel that you are a burden on others.

I thought I had this super power. Well, less a superpower and more an ability. When I really needed to, I could leave my body and watch everyone from far, far away. My body would remain, invisible to those around me, but there I would be. It was almost like turning on a television, watching life around me through a glass screen. No one would see me go, no one would see me return. More often than not my body would wander off on its own, carried away on legs that always felt like the same combination of rubber and feathers.

As a child, I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I didn’t know there was anything wrong with it. It wasn’t until I was older that I learned what it really was. 

Disassociation is defined as:  Disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity.

Note on the text: I used Paul T Mason, M.S. and Randi Kreiger’s Stop Walking on Eggshells as published by New Harbinger in 2020. 

This piece is going to look a little different than other essays that I have written on this site. As a therapist, I found a lot of the suggestions in this book to be really useful for anyone whose loved one has a mental health disorder despite the fact that they focus pretty heavily on Borderline Personality Disorder. Overall I think this book could prove to be a great guide for a variety of people. 

The number one thing that I tell all my clients who live with someone who has a mental health disorder disorder (including substance abuse) is that “in order to get off of the emotional rollercoaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should” change that person (82-83). You have to meet the person in question where they are instead of where you would like them to be (or even where they would like themselves to be). This is a really hard step for a lot of people and it is honestly where most people mess up. They have a really hard time accepting that their loved one is “sick” which means that they have to approach this person in a particular way. So if they have Borderline Personality Disorder for example, then you as their loved one has to stop treating them as if they can emotionally regulate themselves in a normal way.

Once you can do that, then the next step becomes a lot easier: the one where you are able to identify and protect your boundaries. No matter what anyone (including the loved one in questions) says “you have a right to all of your thoughts, feelings and opinions” (79). Which is to say that you have a right to whatever boundaries in your life make the most sense to you. Which means that it is also up to you to determine what those boundaries are, and what the consequence for violating those boundaries should be (including terminating or temporarily suspending the relationship in question). Whatever those consequences are, it is important that you “never set a consequence that you can’t or won’t follow through on. And you must be consistent” (205). 

Something to remember amidst everything is that it is not your fault. Often times people with mental health issues will find ways to project their issues onto those around them (”It’s your fault that I’m doing X” or “it’s your fault that I am this way”) and it is important to remember that that isn’t true and that it is still ok, and even necessary, for you to build up healthy boundaries with that person. Having healthy boundaries is what will create a healthy relationship with that person. Now that obviously doesn’t mean that you should trivialize or invalidate what that person is going through, but there are ways to validate a person’s feelings while maintaining strong boundaries. Just look at the example they provide in this book of Sara and her mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. In this example Sara’s mother constantly berates her on the phone and Sara to set a boundary with her mom around the fact that she wants her mom to treat her with respect. When she told her mom that she would hang up on her if she continued to treat her disrespectfully her mom got really upset. Sara then responded by saying: 

I understand mom that you disagree with my phone limits. I can see that it is upsetting you that I have feelings about the negative things you say to me when we talk on the phone. Hopefully you will realize that I still want to talk to you, but not if you’re criticizing or blaming me. I care about you and want to hear from you- I just want to be treated with respect (140). 

See how she found a way to both validate her mother’s feelings and reinforce those boundaries? It’s important to be able to do both. 

Also as a side note, it is generally not a good idea to tell that person that you suspect they have a mental disorder (or to remind them that they do). In your head, you are probably just trying to explain to the other person why they are feeling certain things an/or behaving the way that they are. But to the other person, more often then not, it just sounds dismissive and insulting. It makes them feel like they are being attacked. So while it might be a good idea for to get the help you need so that you can live with the person in question, it is generally not a good idea to share your thoughts regarding their specific mental health status.