The skit I wrote for Bob Rocks Christmas Spectacular
Narrator: Katnis stood in the familiar room below the arena, waiting to ascend to the 76th Frozen Games. The games maker announces “Welcome to the 76th Frozen Games. After last year’s clear defiance against the capital we’ve changed things up a bit, brought in tributes from the long forgotten District 15. There will only be one winner, may the odds be ever in your favor.” At that moment, the door to the room open and in walks President Snow.
President Snow: You look a bit confused Katnis, is everything alright?
Narrator: A large evil smile flashed across Snow’s face
President Snow: Ahh. Katniss, you should’ve payed better attention in history class. Long before the last world war that caused us to create these districts, Arendelle was a beautiful kingdom. There wasn’t much left of Arendelle after the war, they became district 15, the isis District.
Katnis: But what happened to them, I’ve never heard of the isis District?
President Snow: Did I say isis? My apologies, I meant Ice District. During the rebellion, 76 years ago, we let the people believe they were wiped out with district 13 and 14. Well, district 14 really was wiped out, we had no need for the wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man district.
Narrator: The clock starts counting down to the 76th Frozen Games. 20.. 19… 18..
Katnis: Snow! Haven’t you learned, if you want to kill me, you’re going to have to do it yourself!
President Snow: May the odds be ever in your favor my dear.
Narrator: 2.. 1.. Katnis stands on her pedestal in the arena waiting for the cannon to begin the Games. She scans the other tributes; she sees Peeta then her face turns to horror when she realizes her opponents aren’t only past tributes but her best friend and possibly the love of her life Gale, her sister Prim, two girls she’s never seen before in her life and a snowman?
Katnis: What the hell is happening here? Did Snow drug me? Is that seriously a snowman?
Anna: Do you wanna build a snowman?
Elsa: Anna, let it go already.
Narrator: The Cannon Sounds. The snowman comes running toward Katnis.
Olaf: Hi! My name is Olaf and I like warm hugs.
Katnis: Umm.. Hi, I’m supposed to kill you.
Olaf: Well that’s not very nice.
Narrator: Katnis grabs Olaf’s butt and throws it across the middle of the cornucopia. Gale and Peeta grab Prim, a bow and arrow and a back pack and run into the woods.
Olaf: Watch out for my butt!
Gale: (Yells) Katnis, lets go!
Katnis: I should just kill you all now and get it over with.
Narrator: Katnis runs after Gale, Peeta and Prim. Elsa and Anna run toward what’s left of Olaf.
Anna: Elsa, do you wanna build a snowman?
Elsa: Shut up Anna, you’re the whole reason we ended up in this mess in the first place. If you hadn’t run off to marry some guy you just met President Snow wouldn’t have captured us. Help me put Olaf back together!
Anna: (excited)Oh Elsa! It’s just like when we were kids!
Narrator: Katniss, Peeta, Gale and Prim find a place to set up camp for the night.
Katnis: Gale, how did you and Prim end up in the games?
Gale: I was minding my own business, just going about my day as I usually do and the peacemakers came in and said I broke a bunch of laws and took me in. They never told me I was coming to fight in the Frozen Games.
Prim: By minding your own business, you mean sneaking out to go hunt poor innocent animals.
Katnis: Prim, why are you here?
Prim: The peacemakers took me the same day they took Gale. They said there was a rule change and “I volunteer as Tribute” doesn’t follow the correct verbiage for someone to volunteer in place of someone else. They told me I should have been the in 74th games from the beginning, so they will right their wrong in the 76th Frozen Games.
Katnis: That’s complete bull! President Snow is just trying to take everyone I love away from me. How can he expect me to kill you Prim, my baby sister? Or you Gale, the love of my life? Or you Peeta, the love of my life?
Elsa: Have you ever thought maybe you’re the problem Katnis? I mean really? How many loves of your lives can one girl have? I mean seriously, you either love Peeta or you love Gale, it’s really not that hard.
Katnis: A. this is none of your business B. it’s not nice to eavesdrop and C. you don’t even know the whole story.
Anna: Actually, we do. We’ve been watching the games and your entire love triangle unfold. It’s quite annoying. I can’t even get one man to love me and you have two. Not to mention, you’re prude and I’m much prettier than you.
Katnis: I am not prude! I’ll have you know, I’ve made out with both Peeta and Gale!
Peeta: (half singing) My burnt bread brings all the hoes to the yard…
Elsa: Let it go Peeta, she doesn’t love you.
Narrator: President Snow sits in the control room of the games watching in terror as the tributes fight about love rather than for their lives. He decides to make things a bit more interesting.
President Snow: Good evening Tributes, this is President Snow. As lovely as it is to hear you all argue about what a terrible person Katnis is, this is the Frozen Games, the purpose of these games is for you all to kill one another, this is not the Maury Povich show. To move things along I’ve released a little something I like to call Ebola. You may be noticing now the fog rolling in now, this will kill you. If you’re not going to kill each other, I guess we will see who has the best immune system. As always, may the odds be ever in your favor.
Gale: Isn’t ebola that disease that was wiped out over 100 years ago?
Elsa: Maybe I can freeze it away?
Narrator: Elsa uses her crazy magic and shoots ice at the fog. The fog becomes the face of president snow and laughs at the tributes.
Anna: Well, that didn’t work. Since we’re all going to die, do you wanna build a snowman?
Olaf: Hi! I’m Olaf, I love warm hugs.
Elsa: Will you two just let it go!
Peeta: Well I’m not just going to sit around here and wait to die.
Narrator: Peeta picks up Olaf and throws him a Prim, hitting her in the face. Prim falls to the ground, she hits her head and a cannon fires. The first death in the 76th Frozen Games.
Katnis: Peeta! How could you kill my sister!
Gale: Let’s be honest, you weren’t going to kill her, she was going to die of the ebola.. it was only a matter of time.
Elsa: He has a point Katnis.
Katnis: How will I ever forgive you?
Peeta: Does it really matter? It’s not like you ever loved me anyway.
Elsa: Ugh, I’m so sick of all this love talk.
Narrator: Elsa freezes Katnis’ heart with her crazy ice magic.
Katnis: What the hell was that for?
Elsa: You wouldn’t let it go, I was just helping you.
Anna: She did the same thing to me.
Gale: Guys, Olaf is melting?
Elsa: That’s impossible, he’s a magical snowman! I made him myself!
Olaf: I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Narrator: A package floats down from the sky. Crazy Bob has decided to sponsor Olaf.
Peeta: There is a note “Dear Olaf, I have money riding on you winning the Frozen Games. I have sent you a Claritin, I take these daily! They have helped me through everything from allergies to a broken leg to chicken pox. I have faith in you. Love Crazy Bob.”
Gale: So this Crazy Bob guy thinks a Claritin is going to cure Olaf’s Ebola?
Anna: Apparently. It’s worth a shot.
Narrator: Olaf takes the Claritin. Unfortunately for Crazy Bob, Snowmen are highly allergic to allergy medications and another cannon sounds.
Elsa: Well, two down, five to go.
Peeta: I know I’m not the only one who has thought this, what if we kill Katnis, do the rest of us get to live?
Elsa: I’ve already got that covered. What I didn’t tell you earlier is that she’s only got a few hours after I freeze her heart. The only way to unthaw her is through a true act of love. Being that Katnis is the most obnoxiously, indecisive, prude leading woman in recent history, she should be dead in about an hour.
Katnis: You do realize I can hear you right.
Anna: She does and she doesn’t care. She’s a cold hard bitch. You know how sisters can be.
Katnis: Gale! A true loves kiss, that will save me!
Peeta: So I was right, you never loved me.
Anna: You’re whining about Katnis is more than I can take. Plus, you refused to build a snowman with me.
Narrator: Anna pushes Peeta onto the sharp ice, the ice cuts through his chest like a sword. Another cannon sounds.
Elsa: Nice job Anna! You’re not nearly as useless as I had once believed!
Anna: Ahh thanks sis! Does this mean you finally wanna build a snowman?
Narrator: Katnis grabs her bow and arrow and shot Anna, Anna drops to the ground, another cannon fires.
Gale: What the hell Katnis!
Katnis: She killed the love of my life!
Gale: 3 minutes ago you told me to kiss you, to melt your cold black heart, “A true loves kiss” You are the most infuriating woman on the planet.
Narrator: Gale throws a knife at Katnis, not giving her a chance to explain, he’s over her games. The knife hits her in the chest, another cannon sounds.
Elsa: Then there were two. Sorry loverboy, there will only be one winner this year.
Narrator: Elsa uses her crazy ice magic to make an ice sword and decapitates Gale, the final cannon fires.
President Snow: Well that ended abruptly. Congratulations Elsa, winner of the 76th Frozen Games!
Narrator: President Snow and Elsa wed immediately following the games. All of Panem lived happily ever after. And by that, I mean, life was cold, dark and horrible! What can you expect when the world is run by a man who tried to give everyone Ebola and the leader of isis.. I mean the Ice District?
