#boaredles

Okay so I am officially "slightly overweight" now. Which, shouldn't be a big deal, but it still has me spiralling and I just want to put down thoughts in the hopes of stopping that.

So, completely removing myself from labels I overall prefer my body post T (I gained 20kg since going on T which is why I chose it as a marker). I like the stockier build, my head doesn't look as big anymore in comparison to the rest of my body and in general the proportions are nicer. Yes, I got a bit of a tummy now that makes me feel insecure in crop tops, but I don't mind it that much when it's either covered or I am fully naked. I do mind my face though, not a fan of the added chubbiness on my chin and extra round features, would like to be able to see the little bit of bone structure that I do have. (It's not much tho so idk, gotta be real skinny for it to show up and I don't want to go back to that either)

I think many of my insecurities could be fixed if I started going to the gym to turn some of that fat into muscles, not to reduce weight but shift around the mass into a stronger built which is something I have always dreamed of. Whenever I wanted to get buff pre T my biggest issue was that it felt impossible for me to gain mass, now that I have gained mass I should just use the opportunity. Get that Wolverine build lol. (Anyone willing to finance a gym membership for me?)

But man, my own fatphobia is already showing, and I am still far away from the point where weight impacts my quality of life in any way. Like people seeing me and thinking "oh that person's fat" as one of their first impressions of me is scary to me and I hate that it is.

Part of it is probably because most of my life I had a very conventionally attractive female body without doing anything for it and as someone with already questionable self confidence, losing that does of course have an impact. Whilst at the same time, I know many people find my current body type very attractive too, or I think they would if I were taller. (That's my real insecurity at the end of the day lol. Height. Fuck that shit.) This whole thing is just feeding into me generally feeling undesireable in the recent months. God, I wish I just didn't care.