#bmt.task

The Detroit mall is in full swing for the Christmas season, groups of teens checking stores for that just-right gift for their best friends. Men stand for extended lengths of time in front of glass display cases, searching for the perfect rock for that someone special.

And then, there's the line that extends itself back too far, multiple families packed in as they wait for their chance to edge forward. Excited children bounce on their feet, mouths moving at a million miles a minute. Parents become restless, but the joy of seeing their kids so excited is enough to give them the patience to stay in the line.

The DeWitt family hasn't been in line for long once it's their turn to step forward, and it takes a moment for them to move up. 

Christmas has always been a stressful time of year. But this year... This year, things are different. I'm happy this year. I have someone to spend it with, and for once, things are coming together okay, and that's really amazing for me to be able to say, honestly. For once in a very long time, I'm looking forward to a holiday. 

I don't want a lot this Christmas. I feel like that's ridiculously cliche of me, but I just don't. All I want this year is for things to work out in a positive favor. I want Elijah to have a good first Christmas. I want this to be a successful holiday for Kyle and I as a married couple. I want our families to enjoy the time together.

And honestly, if I wanted anything for myself, it would be for these voices inside my head to be quiet for just one day. I just want to enjoy things for one night.

Eight year old Kelsey is ready to shoot through the roof with excitement as her parents try to convince Daniel to follow her, but after they determine that it's not going to happen, the small girl is led up to the man in the red suit on her own.

The assistant picks her up and places her gently on the man's lap, and all at once, Kelsey's wide- brown eyes are full of light.

"Ho, ho, ho!" The man laughs, his voice rumbling deep. "Merry Christmas little girl! What can I bring you this year?"

The girl looks up then, eyes still wide. "I don't want anything for myself, but, you see my brother over there, right Santa?"

The man looks over to see Daniel hiding behind their mother's skirt, and he nods. "Yes, I do."

"What I want for Christmas is for someone to tell the other kids at school to stop being mean to him. He's nice to everyone. Mommy and Daddy won't let us be mean to anyone. Can you tell everyone to stop being mean, Santa, please?"

The man inn the suit looks away then, first looking at the assistant who looks a little shocked herself, and then back at Kelsey's parents before looking back down at her. With a gentle smile, the man nods. 

     Despite both the howling wind and the uncontrollable excitement that welled inside her stomach, Indiana managed to sleep quite well throughout Christmas Eve night. The sisters had originally made plans to stay up all night, but that went down the drain when their mother caught them giggling at midnight.

     Indi was woken up, although it was only 6AM, to the sound of rusting at the foot of her bed. At first, her still-sleepy imagination made her think Rudolph was chewing at her blankets, but instead she was only met with a red sack stuffed with presents.

     Curiosity got the best of her. Some of the gifts were easy to make out - like chocolate bars and little figurines, for example. Her Snow White headband was also recognisable, but after all, she did get a new one each year. It was the little, flat rectangle attached to the headband that caught her out. She opened it cautiously as to not damage the contents.

     Indiana let out a scream and it was far too late to silence it. The paper was removed to reveal tickets to Disneyland. But silly her, she woke up the entire house. No one could blame her, though.

The teenage years, for me, were pure hell. I had no freedom, no outlet until my Freshman year when I began harming.

After that, I only became angrier, and as a result, I just cut more to punish myself. It was a vicious cycle. Some of my worst scars are from then. 

I've started to chill out a little more as I've grown up, but one thing that will never fail to piss me off is negativity. At some point, you have to give up on the "poor me, my life is so horrible" bullshit. And I feel really strongly about that.

Let's be real here - I'm schizophrenic. I hear voices and I see things that aren't there. These voices tell me to kill myself on an almost-nightly basis. At any point, I could shut myself down. I could convince myself that, even if I am getting married soon and even if I do have a son who needs me around, things won't be okay again. I could convince myself to give in. But I refuse. 

That's kind of shitty of me to say, because I know there are others who have it a whole hell of a lot worse, but if you always have a negative mindset about something, it's never going to get any better. You will never be able to push yourself in aiding in making yourself better. 

Another thing that bothers me is choice shaming. Whether it be sexual preference or the kind of clothes my son wants to wear, it all annoys me. It's nobody's choice but your own as to where you put your penis. It doesn't matter to anyone besides you what you choose to wear when you leave the house. And to see people complain because those choices aren't "ideal" in their opinion is ridiculous.

I don't really get angry like I used to anymore. I don't take a blade to my skin because I'm pissed off. 

I tend to try and not let my emotions get the best of me. No matter what they are. Especially ones in that are as extreme as grief or anger. And after so many years of doing what I do, it has become easier focusing on other people's emotions and what they need than my own. That is after all, what my job is all about. Making sure my girls are okay and making sure out clients get what they paid for, which is whatever they need most.

The last time I ever let my emotions get the best of me was during the toughest year of my life. My car was hit my a drunk driver and I was officially dead for almost two minutes before the paramedics were able to bring me back. With my brain being deprived of oxygen for that long there was a bit of brain damage. Not only did I have my serious injuries that needed to heal and required physical therapy, I needed to learn how to walk, talk and eat on my own again. Being in my mid twenties and being forced to use a white board to let people know that you needed to be taken to the bathroom was beyond frustrating. That anger lived with me. I felt like it never went away. And I started to become angry that I was so angry.

I don't remember how many times I lost it. How many glasses swiped off the table. How many times I threw the small whiteboard I used to communicate for the first few months. How many times I shed angry tears feeling sorry for myself. There's nothing I could do for the two people that were always there for me making sure I never gave up. Although I hated being angry all the time over the course of the year that it took for me to get out of that wheelchair, it also kept me going. It kept driving me forward because there was no way I wanted to spend the rest of my life like that.

Since getting out of their wheelchair, the focus and extremity of those emotions has gone back into making sure my girls are okay and our clients leave happy. Happy enough to come back. Of course, my life, and my business are in no way perfect. Things happen. Things that should send me over the edge. Whether it's something that a client or one of my girls does. But almost every aspect of my life has become part of my business. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have real friends anymore. That they are all clients. Giving people what they need has been hardwired into my brain and it's hard not to do it for everyone that I know and everyone that I care about.

     You know, it really bugs me when people can't mind their own damn business. Like, I know I have been acting strange, but that doesn't mean you have to go around asking everyone what's going on simply because I won't tell you. Now more people than necessary are involved and, quite frankly, I'm even less likely to tell you now.

     It also gets on my nerves when people keep things from me. I know it's hypocritical, but for example, if someone suddenly disappeared without any contact or even an explanation, wouldn't you be worried? I mean, I couldn't care less about keeping things like what's wrong with you if you don't want to tell me. Well, I would, but I wouldn't make such a huge deal out of it. I know how it feels.

     I'm not exactly the best at controlling my angry. I remember when I certain someone disappeared, and all I did was shout and cry. I don't understand why I'm so emotional. Hormones, sure, but why do I seem like the only one that's so bad at it all? Why do I seem to be the only one that breaks down after saying a single mean thing?