#bm;

I’m not gonna forgive myself for not being there, for Perrie having to find you like that...I know I’ll forgive Bert eventually just like I always do but right now...I just don’t get what was so important that he had to be out of town or why he lied too.

I can’t be angry at him forever not when I’m just angry at myself.

I loved her but it wasn’t the same but she gave me Bandit and I wouldn’t change that for the world. 

You were there from the beginning of the band, but you always seemed so unattainable like I could touch you sometimes but regardless of how I felt I was never meant to have you. I was just destined to want you in a way that I couldn’t have you and I hated it.

Then everything happened and somehow like it all happened in a dream I ended up with both of you with that same love that i’d had years ago and this big home like feeling that i’m always gonna feel lucky to have. Sometimes I don’t think the two of you ever realize how you swooped in and saved me..I mean i’m always gonna be a mess but I don’t feel as messy when I’m with you. 

If you’d asked me a few months back if anyone else would come in and make me smitten, I would’ve laughed and told you I was happy with what I had and I was but I don’t know how to explain it. It was like in the moments that he had fucked you over, and how the three of us just became so defensive over you that before we even realized it we were all becoming smitten and I wouldn’t wish anyone to have gone through the stuff you’ve been through recently god i’d take it all away if I could but from the moment you first kissed me on that cruise to know where I know you’re making Frankie feel better despite the stuff he’s going through you made it obvious how much you fit and we’ve all fallen for you like the sweet person you are. 

I’ve never been this paranoid and this needy all in the same thought and it doesn’t help that I’m waiting for the moment they get bored and leave because I’m useless most of the time; I can’t protect them unless I throw scolding hot coffee over people that threaten to hurt them and whenever they’re having a meltdown or something bad happens I over think it. Like I just need them to tell me how to function.

Feelings for me have always been something that drove me insane, way back when I first met and basically fell in love with Bert I was at the most toxic point in my life...we both were and I know he still has this insecurity in the back of his mind that it was him who dragged me down that path or that I left him the first time for that and it wasn’t it was because I loved him too much and if I didn’t leave I’d get consumed in something I was scared of being consumed in.

Frankie was another story he was my best friend from the second he gave the group of strangers he barely knew a chance to the present day, back then he was always something I felt like I could never have but loved anyway and things happened and you know the rest.

Then I met Lindsey just after Elisa who fucked me over and after I thought I didn’t really deserve to be loved but it was good and pure and she brought me out of my darkest place and gave me a kid that I’d do anything for.

Now I get to be consumed in a love I’m not terrified of anymore with my best friend and someone I never really stopped loving and they’re part of my entire world now.

I gave them rings, figured it was some sweet confirmation thing for us all and now i’m outside smoking cigarette after cigarette terrified that something is gonna go wrong: that I’m putting a happy/positive stamp on everything and missing so much.