#blondexter

I ran hastily through the woods that I took you to the last time I saw you here; Looking for the secret place we tried to find but never did. Once again it evaded me, I followed the path further downstream.

From the brush flew a single butterfly Whose presence seemed to echo everything is going to be alright

I ran faster towards the sound of rushing water I headed methodically. Large rocks formed a coven perch this is where I will remember you I thought.

I sat down and pulled out the incense I had brought with me

You told me while eating sushi that the Japanese viewed it as rude to leave your chopsticks stuck within your food, facing up

You said “It symbolizes death, In Japanese culture they Burn incense for the dead”

you loved Japanese culture

Brown, Blue Yellow, Red, Black purple

yes,  this one will do

I snatched it out of the plastic housing, Shielding it with my hand from the wind I lit it and propped it up on the rock next to me.

At first the smoke rose directly into the sky I laid down and pondered your presence I want you here with me

With my eyes closed laying prone against the rock The smell of incense filled my lungs I look up, Ashes fall from the stick as the smoke begins to trace the contours of the land

I think as if it’s you exploring this place for yourself do you like it?

Tears rush down my cheeks Akin to the waterfall That screams out your name

Your presence fills the vicinity

I adjust my leg Having to lift it with my arm The blood had been constricted Sitting cross-legged for the past while

could you feel the life leave your limbs?

I notice the incense has burned quickly There’s only about an inch left I snatch it longingly.

don’t leave me

The smoke is going faster now Puddles form on my shorts Tears falling faster.

it’s time for you to go

The ember shows as the last bit of the incense is consumed

I’m shaking, Cold. The sun has left it’s highest hour.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

The ember stops As the last bit of smoke trails off in the distance And the ashes fall into the crevasse of the rock.

I’m left holding a purple stick, No longer burning.

It’s flame had consumed it Left trailing to the sky

I don’t feel you there anymore. Your presence gone; left with the smoke.

I kiss the stick and place it into the placid waters Above the waterfall And trace it’s path as it disappears Into a rush of white.

Maybe someday I’ll forget what it’s like to hurt for no reason at all. Maybe someday I’ll forget how hard it is to drag my decaying body out of bed each day. Maybe someday I’ll remember what it felt like to have warmth flood my being. All I can see is darkness.

My eyes flutter open, My heart heavy with burden. I slide myself to the edge, And blankly begin my routine. I can feel it inside me though, Growing more and more hateful. I can see it in the mirror sometimes, Always a look of disappointment. But It’s never in anyone else, Only in myself.

I brush it off, And paint on my smile. I put on my suit, Grab my briefcase and go.

Along the way I’m greeted, Often by others who do not understand. They grin and nod with cheer, “Good morning” rolls off their lips.

I tilt my hat down, Avoid eye contact as much as I can. They don’t know where I’m going, And they don’t know where I’ve been.

Don’t hold it against them, They’re just too jolly to see. That sometimes this life isn’t meant for all of us, It feels like it isn’t meant for me.

As the day passes on, And I keep walking. I’m stopped by a single word. “Beautiful”. I look up shyly, To see who said such a strange thing, To a man dressed in all black.

A man with a bouquet in his hand, Stopped on the sidewalk nearby. He walks up and puts his hand on my shoulder, And looks me dead in the eye. And he repeats what he said, “Beautiful.”

Silence lingers in the air, As I cannot find the words to reply.

“What you have inside you, and what is on the outside too. You are truly beautiful, for everything that you do. And I hope today you can see it too.”

He gives me a hug, And hands me a flower, And continues on his way.

As I reach my destination, Dusk has graced the sky. I pick up my head once again, A single tear forming in my eye. It drops down to my cheek, And then the chasm below.

Each day I wake up to come here, Dressed as though I’m in mourning. Each day I take this journey, And pass by the strangers I’ll never see again. They don’t know where I’m going, Or what I’m going to do.

They don’t see the darkness, They’re all blinded by the light.

So I step out a little further, A few inches from the edge.

Then I remember the flower, I had it with me this whole time. I bring it up to my nose, And I give it a quick sniff. I remember what he told me, About the beauty I carry within.

Suddenly I can bear it, Suddenly it doesn’t hurt. If only for a few minutes, The shadows recede to the light.

Breathe in. Breathe out. I turn myself around. Slowly I make my way back, Surely I’m coming home.

-a poem by Evan Anthony