#bloggingwithfrenchie

Last night was a suspense-filled episode of The Bachelor, as we watched Nick romance the three remaining women while already knowing who was going to be sent home (hint: it’s the future Bachelorette, who was announced literally halfway through the season because ABC felt like ruining this experience for us).

We open on “the morning after” with Nick and Raven, and in case you missed the INCREDIBLY HEAVY-HANDED AND OBVIOUS HINTS, they def banged and they def had to pretend it was good. According to Raven, “Nick is very good at what he does” (ew), implying that Nick’s primary skill set is sleeping with women in various fantasy suites (not that far from the truth, tbh). Reading from the cue cards provided by the producers, she also tells us that she is “very satisfied”, because in case you forgot gagging while this storyline was shoved down our throats last week, up until this point Raven has *gasp* ~never had an orgasm~. Guess that changed last night, am I right?!?! Although if we’re being honest it probably didn’t and she probably faked it. And then the producers forced her to go cartwheel around in the snow to further remind us all of Nick’s alleged sexual prowess.

I have a serious question: what was the temperature in Finland when they were filming this? Because they are all wearing puffy jackets and hats but then the women are all walking around with their jackets unzipped? Are they just being forced to show off their trendy winter-chic outfits? And then Vanessa gives an interview outside while wearing a bathing suit and with bare feet. In the snow. This was very distressing to me and I want to know how cold it actually was.

Additional note about the hats: do the women all just happen to have matching ridiculous hats with giant pom-poms on top, or is this some sort of uniform that the producers are subjecting them to? And more importantly, who let Nick wear that crocheted beanie? He looks like a mushroom.

ANYWAY, moving on to the date with Rachel. Rachel is so cool and definitely the most sane, which naturally means she was never going to be the winner. The big mystery is really why she thinks Nick is so “rare” and great, since he is pretty much just an older-than-average, fame-hungry tool. Spend 5 minutes on any dating app and you will find 10 of those, I guarantee you. On their date, Nick draws on his past successes in this scenario (lol, jk) to give Rachel advice about opening up to him. He eventually cajoles her into professing her love for him, just in time for him to sleep with her and then dump her 2 days later. This is why America hates you, Nick.

Another note on the fashion in this episode: Rachel wins for the penguin onesie that she wore in the fantasy suite. I need that in my life ASAP.

Next up is the date with Vanessa, and honestly I like her less and less with each episode. Nick seems to feel the same way, because he spends most of the date trying to convince them both that they wouldn’t be good together. This is like when your fuckboy hookup is mean to you so you’ll stop talking to him and he doesn’t have to actually end it. Their relationship doesn’t make sense to me – they don’t seem to agree on anything, and Vanessa is basically like, “Relationships are about compromise, except for this list of 25 things that I will absolutely never compromise on.” Regardless, she is convinced that Nick is the one for her. Vanessa:  “Nick is my soulmate because marrying him will launch my acting career.”

The only other notable thing about this date was that Nick inexplicably wore shiny blue booty shorts for the ice plunge/hot tub portion of their date. “Here Nick, wear these spandex that show literally everything before diving into a tub of icy water. Vanessa will love that.”

The episode ends with (shocker!) Rachel getting sent home at the rose ceremony. Nick doesn’t give her any explanation, which I found weird and annoying. I guess “I don’t see this working out because the producers want you to be the next Bachelorette” doesn’t really sound authentic.

We then transition into the Women Tell All special, which was two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Just kidding, I ate that shit up. Corinne was perfect, Taylor was The Worst, Kristina was a class act, Whitney talked more than she did all season, Liz cried a lot while spouting generic feminist wisdom, and Danielle L interrupted the discussion of how great Kristina is to cry about how Nick dumped her before she got far enough to be the next Bachelorette. The best part of these shows is always the women who were there for like half an hour (looking at you Elizabeth and Lacey) but come in guns blazing. No one remembers who you are, stop talking. Also the women who spent maybe a collective 20 minutes talking to Nick but are indignant that he didn’t fall in love with them. A few key takeaways:

- It was a shark costume

- Sarah “isn’t judging” Corinne, just all of her choices and her general behavior

- I have a black eye from punching myself in the face every time Taylor said “emotional intelligence”

- We are STILL not past the Corinne napping saga

- Raquel was forced to make cheese pasta for the entire studio audience

- Danielle L wishes Nick would have not dumped her

- Alexis and Nick friend zoned each other from day 1 and she totally just stuck around for the free booze

- Josephine is Corinne’s ride or die even though Corinne seems to not notice or care

- Liz is apparently a Really Good PersonTM and is now pursuing a career as a motivational speaker

- Hailey: “You should never be ashamed for your sexual behavior, unless you’re Corinne in which case we will all judge and hate you”

- Women can be multi-dimensional humans, even the dirty sluts who have one-night stands at weddings

Last night The Bachelor was only on for an hour, which frankly was rude and left me feeling blindsided and confused with half a glass of rosé to finish. Maybe the producers knew their audience wouldn’t be able to stomach Nick in that godawful turtleneck and were trying to break it up for us. But anyway, more on that later.

The episode picks up where we left off last week, with Andi arriving at Nick’s door because she “heard he was in town” (and the producers are paying her to be there). She greets him with the same tone I imagine a dominatrix uses to greet her clients: “Hello Nick. I heard you’ve been a very naughty boy.” Nick pretends to be surprised that she’s there and mumbles nervously for a while – this man literally cannot articulate a fucking sentence, it’s unbelievable.

Andi tells Nick that this is a “whiskey conversation”, which seems a touch dramatic considering all she does is tell him to sleep with all of the remaining women (which he was definitely planning on doing) and force him to apologize for calling her a whore on national television (which he certainly was not planning on doing). Nick is annoying and says he might end up breaking up with every contestant on the show, as if ABC would not have him killed if he tried to get away with not proposing in the finale. I think Nick actually just hates all of the women he has left and would rather continue whining about having his heart broken than actually have to marry one of them.

While Nick is busy drinking whiskey and talking about sex with a woman he once proposed to, the remaining women are slowly losing the feeling in their extremities while they wait for him at the rose ceremony. I feel like it must have been really cold if they were actually wearing jackets over their gowns, so fuck you, Nick. Nick decides to send Corinne home, most likely because he’s already slept with her so there’s no point in taking her to the fantasy suite. She handles it pretty well considering she just got dumped while wearing a coat that looks like a marshmallow, probably because this means she gets to be reunited with Raquel. She has an epiphany about fuckboys in the limo and vows to never kiss up to a man again, which like, no shit, but good for her. Can’t wait to see her tear it up in Paradise.

Their next stop is Finland for the fantasy suite dates, because nothing says “sexy” quite like an endless stretch of frozen tundra. Raven gets the first and only date of the episode, and they spend it hanging out in a bar and playing darts because Raven’s a simple country girl and doesn’t need no fancy dates. Nick tells us that he likes Raven because she’s sweet but also kind of crazy, which turns him on. He also loved seeing her cry over the news that her dad isn’t dying, which is sort of like when he was excited to hear about Kristina’s childhood as an orphan who had to eat lipstick to survive. I can’t remember anything Raven said in her talking heads because I was too distracted by the giant snowball on top of her hat.

The most important thing that happens at dinner is that Nick shows up wearing a turtleneck that could truly be classified as a crime against humanity. Certainly a crime against Raven, who has to pretend she wants to sleep with him while he’s wearing that. Why would he choose to wear that for the FANTASY SUITE date? No one wants to have sex with you in that. Please stop.

Meanwhile, Raven gives a very cute and thoughtful speech telling Nick that she loves him, which apparently she’s never said before because her ex was a fuckboy and she has intimacy issues. We also learn that Raven has never had an orgasm before (someone get this girl a vibrator), which puts an enormous amount of pressure on Nick that he is certainly not equipped to deal with. Watching him react to this news is hilarious because he clearly was just looking to get it in tonight, not do any actual work. The night ends with Raven agreeing to spend the night in the fantasy suite with Nick, but only on the condition that he burns the turtleneck. Just kidding, that was my fantasy.

Hometown week is upon us!! And somehow, probably because Raquel has a contract with ABC, Corinne has a hometown date.

But let’s start at the beginning. After dumping Kristina because she doesn’t have a nanny and a rich dad, Nick skips the official ceremony and goes straight to handing out roses. He pretends to be nervous about whether the women will accept them, which given what a loser he is is kind of a valid concern. Luckily for him these ladies are all literally salivating to introduce their families to a man child who can’t speak without mumbling, so they all accept their roses.

First up is Raven, who lives in a swamp in Arkansas. They enjoy some traditional backwoods pastimes like “mudding” and fornicating in a pool of swamp water filled with algae and reptile feces. They roll around in there just long enough for Nick to show off his abs and contract a few mysterious infections. Then it’s off to meet the family, although we already met the brother earlier in a run-in with the cops because Raven is related to everyone who lives in this town. When talking to Raven’s dad, Nick begins his tour of asking EVERYONE’S dads for permission to marry their daughters, which makes it all feel really magical and sincere: “just in case I decide to dump these 3 other chicks I’m banging, would it be chill if I propose to your daughter?” Romantic. Nick’s motto with proposals seems to be “If at first (or second) you don’t succeed, ask, ask again. Literally never stop asking. Ask every woman you meet.” #cantstopwontstop #neverthelesshepersisted The night ends with Raven not being able to tell Nick she loves him, probably because they’ve known each other for about 5 minutes. I’ve had longer relationships with some of the food in my refrigerator. 

Next it’s Rachel’s turn. She surprises Nick by taking him to her church, because in her infinite wisdom Rachel knows that this motherfucker needs Jesus. Nick pretends to be into it but is mostly disappointed because church isn’t a great place for him to further explore his “explosive chemistry” with Rachel. At church, the minister/pastor/reverend/priest (not a big church-goer if you couldn’t tell) asks Nick if he’s ever been to a mixed race church before, and Nick kicks off a day of artfully dodging serious questions by saying he has never been in THIS particular church before. Nice one, Nick! Then they go meet Rachel’s family, and I’m realizing now I think this is the first time there’s ever been a black family at a hometown date, which is sad. Luckily there is one other white guy there (Rachel’s sister’s husband), just in case the folks at home get a little too overwhelmed by the amount of diversity on their screens. Nick spends a lot of time waxing poetic about how he “doesn’t see color, he sees Rachel”, to which Rachel’s sister is basically like cool, but racism. All in all though the day goes well, which is depressing because we know Rachel doesn’t win. So thanks for that, ABC.

Corinne is next, and she gives Nick the “day in the life of Corinne” experience by taking him shopping with daddy’s credit card. I guess this is what she does when she’s not running her multi million dollar company (so basically all the time). This girl is nothing if not true to herself, I’ll give her that. She drops a casual $3k of what is most certainly not her own money, causing Nick to break out in hives when he remembers he’ll need to get a real job and source of income once this show is over. Corinne's family is literally exactly what you would expect them to be, let's just put it that way. Her dad refers to himself as Daddy, which is troubling on a number of levels, and Raquel is "part of the family" even though she is literally paid to be there. When Corinne tells her parents that she loves Nick, their reaction is basically the equivalent of patting a small child on the head - probably similar to how they react when she says she runs her father’s company. Daddy asks Corinne if she is comfortable with being the "breadwinner", which she totally is as long as she gets to keep Raquel and continue paying for everything with her dad’s money. Later on, Nick also claims to want to be a breadwinner, which is intriguing since the only job Nick has had in the past 3 years has been making appearances on reality TV and promoting skin care products on Instagram. 

The last hometown date is with Vanessa, and it basically consists of Nick getting roasted by literally every relative Vanessa has. After a quick stop to visit her students, they move on to her mom's house, where approximately 30 fame-hungry relatives are waiting to pounce. They take turns grimly warning Nick not to hurt Vanessa, who in their opinion is the second coming of Jesus Christ, or asking Vanessa basic questions like what is Nick's job? (She doesn’t know, but to be fair neither does anyone else.) They all cry a lot about how perfect Vanessa is - literally everyone in this family lives so far up Vanessa’s ass I’m surprised they even noticed Nick was there. Then it's on to Vanessa’s dad, who initially refuses to give Nick his blessing to propose, prob because he knows Nick throws out proposals almost as frequently as he says "I appreciate that." Nick rambles some more and eventually the dad has a change of heart, most likely just to get Nick to shut up. Vanessa gets really excited when she finds out Nick asked for the blessing, only to be promptly crushed to hear that jk, he also asked everyone else's parents too: “I just wasn’t expecting this when I went on a show where the premise is one guys dates multiple women.” When your boyfriend is also considering proposing to one of his other 3 girlfriends... At least he hasn’t told them all he loves them. 

The episode ends with everyone in New York for the next rose ceremony, and Nick receives a surprise visit from Andi, the first woman he proposed to on national TV. She is here to give Nick some important advice and also probably to make herself relevant again (sorry Andi, you’ll always be relevant to me). Nick dumps all the other women and then declares his undying love for Andi. Just kidding, that's not going to happen until next week. 

The episode begins with the latest installment in the Corinne and Taylor show, because the producers know Taylor is going home this week and they’re trying to milk this for ALL it’s worth before that. I imagine the other women are off camera somewhere taking shots every time one of these drunk 23 year-olds says the word “mature”. The argument is intercut with clips of Corinne violently swishing around a flute of champagne like some kind of drunk socialite in the midst of her talking head. She’s so ridiculous, I love it.

After the fight, Corinne immediately goes to Nick to tell him what happened, showcasing behavior similar to that of a 7 year-old who just fought with a sibling. Nick, bastion of maturity that he is, listens for about 30 seconds before tuning her out and just staring at her boobs instead. At one point he actually says “that’s really mature of you” before sticking his tongue in Corinne’s mouth. These two deserve each other, honestly.

At the rose ceremony, Astrid and Sarah get sent home. Not really surprised about Astrid, but Sarah was cute. Whitney is still there despite not having spoken a word to anyone since arriving on the show, as is Josephine who at this point I think is just there for the free booze. I’m waiting for her to trip out on Xanax and start talking to a plant or something, a la Ashley S.

Their next stop is New Orleans, which seems like a good place to exploit local cultural traditions for ratings. The first date is a one-on-one with Rachel, who is so hot and chill and wayyy too good for Nick, although they do seem to have a real thing going. They participate in a second line parade in which Rachel demonstrates some pretty sweet dance moves and Nick awkwardly bobs behind her and tries not to get a boner. The other women spot them from the window of their hotel room and take turns crying between sips of wine.

Nick describes his chemistry with Rachel as “the most of explosive of all the women on the show”, which feels like something he’s probably said about every woman he’s ever met. What vibe does Nick give off in person that makes women want to sleep with him? He has the diction and sex drive of a 15 year-old discovering porn for the first time.

The group date is next, and the only people left off are Rachel and – surprise! – Corinne and Taylor, which means they will be going on a 2-on-1 date later in the episode. I wonder if the producers were involved in making this decision at all?

For the group date, they spend the night in a haunted mansion. It is apparently haunted by a little girl who has lost her doll, which is fitting for a group of people who have lost their dignity. Fortunately for the group, Raven is there and is able to enlist the help of Jesus Christ himself in keeping the ghosts at bay. I mostly am just curious about how the spirits reacted to the presence of a full camera crew in their home.  

In the midst of being stalked by a child ghost and screaming whenever the lights flicker, Nick finds time to have some really deep and meaningful conversations with the women. He and Danielle L keep up their streak of smiling and saying “yeah” to each other in lieu of talking about actual topics. He also chats with Danielle M, although they mostly just scratch each other’s arms in what seems like some sort of weird mating ritual. Meanwhile, Raven very casually reveals the moment she “fell in love” with Nick – I actually missed what she said but I did not miss that it’s approximately day 15 and she needs to chill.

Nick ends up giving the group date rose to Danielle M, which is a bold move considering Raven’s history with assaulting men who scorn her. I sort of feel like whenever Nick gives the rose to one of the Danielles, he just picks a random initial to tack on to the end and then hopes for the best.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Taylor and Corinne are preparing for the sudden death match that will be there 2-on-1 date. Predictably, Taylor can be found meditating in a sports bra surrounded by a bunch of candles like the pretentious asshole she is. Corinne, on the other hand, puts on a fluffy robe and orders $500 worth of room service, probably because they didn’t have cheese pasta and cucumber slices on the menu. But who am I kidding, I would 1000% be Corinne in this situation.

The 2-on-1 date begins, and it turns out they are going to the bayou for a fun day of alligator sightings and eating in the middle of a swamp. They also participate in some sort of voodoo ritual that undoubtedly obliterates everything that is sacred about voodoo traditions. In her one-on-one with Nick, Corinne plays the “Taylor bullied me” card while probably giving him a hand job off camera. Taylor tries to stand up for herself but it’s a lost cause – Nick and his penis are more interested in bouncy castles than psychotherapy.

Not surprisingly, Corinne gets the rose and she and Nick cruise off into the sunset while Taylor is left behind to wander the swampland and probably be eaten by alligators. Corinne manages to hold herself back from squealing with glee at having defeated her arch nemesis Taylor, but judging by the look on her face while she’s on the boat, it’s a near thing. Make America Corinne again.