#bllg

I miss going out on Tuesday nights and feeling so alive and loved cuz I’ve got my bestest friends around me and we’re invincible and nothing could stop us.. I miss the feeling of not being alone bcuz we’ve got each other no matter what.. but now I don’t even get a text saying hi. or…let’s go out to Starbucks and catch up..schools been tuff..work is shit. Look at this new fuckboy I found on tinder..haha. It’s all just fucked, how quickly the people you’re the closest to are the ones who feel so far away. and as tuff as I try to be and as cold as I make my heart turn it’s always these god damn nights that strip that away and leave me posting sappy shit like this on a stupid blog site that no one reads or gives a fuck about. which is ok. I just need to vent somewhere because god forbid I actually talk about it in person with someone and show EMOTION. Nuh uh. best friends deserting you, yah, it’s gotten to me quite a bit. but not that much. I’ll be fine. the beginning always hurts, nothing I haven’t felt before. So here’s to 2017, the year of loneliness. And no, I’m not just ~alone this time. I am lonely. Gut wrenching loneliness. In all it’s glory. lonely.

thanks for ur patience on all my bitching today, i am fully unmedicated and grumpy and hateful and enraged and spiteful and mean so i needed to YELL/holler

The people in my life are turning into acquaintances and I'm over blaming myself for it I try and I try and I try but fuck it man I can't anymore if you wanna leave then leave

late night convos in cars. it's how it all started. And now we're here. I feel so loved.

DUDE I hate when I look like how I feel I HATE WHEN I LOOK LIKE HOW I FEEL IF SOMEONE ELSE ASKS ME IF IM OKAY I'm JUS GONNA THROW MYSELF INTO TRAFFIC JUST TO GET IT OVER WITH like sometimes I just can't act NORMAL or MYSELF because it's just so tiring like I legit CANNOT DO IT sometimes I'm sorry I'm sorry and so the ppl around me think I hate them or I'm ignoring them but IM NOT I'm jus a big ole depressed pile of shit and it has nothing to do w/ u or anyone else ok it's not you it's me ,friend. It is always always always me. and I wish i wish I wish they knew. but burdening other ppl with my shit depression...no. no ? no.

I'm too old to be crying over boys, y'know :/ but this really fucking sucks I'm over it dude, I'm fucking done ,There is no hope that I will ever find anyone who shares the feelings I share for them. nope. it's jus not happening, not in the past, not in the present, not in the future. i feel fucking stupid. and embarrassed. no more, noooooooooo more. it's just not happening for me and it never fucking will and I am just so so done with it all, Hope fucks you up, having hope fucks you up real bad