#blessed singleness

With my sister 🌸

Prologue:

I was crowned "PRINCESS OF LOVE" twice in my life. The first one was when I was only 5 years old! It was at a some sort of pageant for kids in our barangay. While the second time that I got crowned was during our Hearts Day event at our church back in 2013. I was only 19 years old that time. I find it both strange and amazing, because I did not plan or expect to get crowned in the two times that I did. Like the first time was completely my parent's doing, entering me in the competition in the first place. I can't even remember the whole thing. The second was also a complete surprise! A little game was played to pick out the winner. We had to randomly pick a piece of paper that was actually half a heart. I can't remember the other details but apparently I got the winning piece. It's actually hilarious because I was the one who was put in charge to prepare the crown and flowers for whoever will win the title. Who knew that it was going to be for me? Anyway, I'm sharing this because it's quite amazing, right? I've only realized this recently, and I was honestly mind blown.

Grace to you reader! I have decided after much consideration to share the story of a single heart; with that single heart being my very own. I’ve also decided to use the term “single heart” instead of “single” or “singleness;” terms that I just find too used, because every time I hear it there’s this “poor you” or “poor me” kind of feeling that is somehow attached to it. Therefore, I decided to use a newer, more positive name for it.

Furthermore, I’m also writing this because I am entering a wedding season. A long one to be exact. It’s because my beloved sisters in Christ and some of my cousins are all engaged/about to be engaged, and are all lined up to be united in marriage. It’s honestly going to be one or two wedding a year starting this year! To add to that, I am also already booked as a maid of honor for two of those weddings (dream come true!), and hopefully a bridesmaid to the rest! If not, then to be a guest is as much of a privilege, too.

As the result of the wedding season starting also comes the rise of fascination and solicitude over people like me---single hearts. Mind you, I’ve been prayed for, interviewed, comforted, encouraged, etc. I appreciate every gesture though I find it quite amusing sometimes. Anyway, so that’s why I’m also going to try and address in this article some of the common questions and concerns thrown at me; hopefully, it would be an encouragement to all who reads this. Let’s start!

Past

I would like to begin with some stories from the past. Particularly back when I was not yet a born-again (referring to the biblical experience and not the denomination) believer. I want you to have an idea of how I was when it came to relationships. I have to warn you though that some of the things I’m going to share are a bit cringe-worthy. Two words, naïve and Christless.

I WAS OBSESSED WITH HAVING CRUSHES.

I had my first crush when I was only around 7 to 8 years old. His name was Hua Ze Lei from Meteor Garden (a popular Taiwanese drama). I can actually still see myself literally crying over the guy because I wanted to marry him so bad. It will also surprise you how many crush I had from that point up until high school.

Fast forward to high school, my first crush during my freshman year was a tennis player. I would ask one of my friends to stay with me after school to secretly watch him practice. It was my favorite time of the day!

There was also a time where I had a very silly brief fling with a foreign exchange student during our sophomore year. I even payed one of my friend 100 pesos for him to call that foreign student and make him talk to us. And boy did it worked! We became friends, we saw each other after class (in a group setting), and then when he left we still communicated over skype. Next thing I know, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes but left him in the air a few days after. There was no formal breakup, I just never went online again. It was because I got scared of the concept of being in a relationship. I didn’t want commitment; I just wanted the butterflies. But I am now very sorry of what I did to him, he was really a nice and sweet guy. I will never forget the time when he played for me a beautiful piece on the piano. I appreciate it more now than I did before.

The little rendezvous with that foreign student was not the worst thing I did. The worst was the time, out of my pure stupidity, I gave a handwritten letter consisting of a poem of confession to a guy that I had a crush on during my junior year. He was a senior and I was an idiot. The letter I made was so colorful and perfumed that it will shame every unicorns alive. My sister even pleaded with me not to give it but I still did. My friends supported me wholeheartedly, but I don’t blame them because we were all at the same level of foolishness back then. I cringe so badly to this day every time I remember it! I hope he burned it into ashes by now!

You might now be asking why on earth I acted that way to my crushes; well, I honestly wanted to show them that I cared. Even though I affirm that it was not love nor a proper affection but I really did care; even if it was at a very shallow and petty level. I cried over them, wished them well every day, and just really cared about them. Just to be clear though, I never went near any of them. I liked them but I’ve always preferred to like them from afar. When they start to get too close, I would literally freak out and just not want it anymore. They were my crush, but the moment they try to step out from that boundary I consider them as intruders. Besides, I was not that naïve to not realize that they only paid attention to me because they found out that I had a crush on them. Years after, I would find out that the reason for it was God’s preservation over me. If it weren’t for God’s preservation, I can only imagine what would’ve become of me if one of those pretty boys were successful to close in on me.

Present

Of course from the past we move on to the present. In this portion I’m going to share more of thoughts rather than memories. Let’s get into it!

I WENT THROUGH A PHASE OF HAVING NO INTEREST AT ALL.

When I became a believer I entered this completely opposite phase. From being obsessed with having crushes to absolutely growing apathetic at the whole idea of it. A shroud of indifference wrapped around me, and it came almost instantly. I got sober and just not interested anymore. I went through my college years having no crush at all. Although I still experienced admirations for a few, but it was never the same hype nor nature as it was back in my younger years. It was more of a “wow, they’re really good at what they’re doing,” rather than “I don’t know why but I just want to like him,” kind of admiration. Honestly, I did not go through any counseling, self-realization or had an experience other than my conversion that would have changed my heart about this issue. Come on, we all know how hard and how long it takes to break a habit but this particular one vanished like smoke.

In addition, I immediately learned of the “do not be unequally yoked” command, and I was more than willing to be committed to it. In fact, I was so committed that I did not only want to be unequally yoked but I also did not want to be yoked at all. I saw brothers in Christ and brothers alone. There was not even much effort from my part, it came naturally and I was not at all bothered by it. I never even mentioned it in prayer for the first few years of my walk in Christ.

THE DESIRE DID COME

The desire came gradually and inevitably. It came not because I finally started to like someone, but because I have grown in my understanding of love and marriage according to the bible. My favorite truth about marriage is that it is a picture of Jesus Christ’s relationship with His redeemed people (Ephesians 5:22-33). As a result, I’ve become more open to the idea of getting married but then again it is still too high of an endeavor for me to tackle full time. What I mean by that is if you ask me now if I want to get married, I’ll definitely say yes! But my answer will be limited to a yes. Simply because I am still growing in my understanding of marriage like in every other aspects of Christian life. And my progress, as I see it, is still in its very early stages. In other words, I desire to get married but I don’t know how to get married.

Besides, I’ve also understood that marriage is a gift just like singleness, and we all know that we are given different gifts according to God’s good purpose (1 Corinthians 7:6). No matter what happens, every saint is a bride---the bride of Christ (Isaiah 54:5). Likewise, every saint is entitled, in Christ, to fully experience love and marriage with or without a ring on their finger.

Lastly, I want to add that desiring marriage doesn’t automatically indicate discontentment. It’s unfair to think that single hearts are discontent when we desire marriage. But if desiring marriage creates in us a sense of discontentment then that’s where we need to slow down. Nonetheless, here’s little friendly advice to every concerned non-single people out there; it’s normal for us, single hearts, to desire marriage but please slow down with the assumption that we are either discontent or extremely lonely when we do so. Most of the time that is not the case. Also, don’t feel called by God to marry us off, as soon as you can, the moment you find out that we desire marriage. Don’t worry, we’ll survive. Blessed singleness, remember?

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

I’ve never thought that desiring marriage can get so complicated that there are days where it gets so close at ripping my mind apart. There are too many things to consider! From checking of motives, setting of standards, to anticipating and surrendering. Hard work, people! Hard work!

Let’s first talk about motives. Well, this is the main battle ground. One article is simply not enough to share to you how much God has dealt with me in the motive section. One thing I have learned that pretty much summarizes everything is the conviction that Jesus Christ ought to be the source, means, and end of everything---from our thoughts, words, works, endeavors, and desires; such as the desire to get married. If the end is not Christ then it is no prize, and if Christ is not the end then He is surely not the source nor the means also. That biblical principle is what God has been guiding me with in purifying my motives. Easier said than done, trust me. Thank God for His grace!

Furthermore, I highly recommend self-interrogation or introspection, whatever you may call it (Psalm 19:14). I do it all the time, but we need to make sure that we do it prayerfully and under the light of God’s word! Or else it might do more harm than good. One question that I always ask myself is why I want to get married. It’s so easy to answer, “For God’s glory!” or those other godly responses. While it can indeed be our genuine desire to obey and honor God with marriage, if we slide into complacency and lack vigilance, we might not notice selfish intentions creeping in. One good indicator is when we get impatient (I’m so guilty at this!). Desiring to honor God with marriage means we are willing to wait as He unfolds His will as to whether marriage is for us or not. Another red flag in our motives is when we grow to feel “incomplete,” (guilty again!) as if we need a husband to be to us and do to us what only God can be to us and do to us.

Consequently, we shouldn’t despair if our motives don’t change or get cleared up overnight or even months after. Sanctification requires a daily battle. Instead of feeling defeated, take it as an opportunity to put on the whole armor of God and go deeper in prayer. Alan Redpath once said that the conversion of a soul is a miracle of the moment, but the manufacture of a saint is a task of a life time (Philippians 1:6).

Now after motives, let’s move on over to standards! It’s actually funny because I was completely clueless at the beginning as to what kind of man I would prefer. It’s because I never really had a standard until I got saved. By the way, I am talking about a personal preference kind of standard because the scripture has already given some solid ones that everyone should apply. One is that the man or woman must be saved. As for my personal preferences (as guided by scriptures), I desire a godly man with similar convictions with mine. Like I want to know his heart for God, his convictions about marriage, family, ministry, etc. Then see how well we will meet both in similarities and differences. These are the things that really matter to me; Faith, convictions and then character. When it comes to character I never did decide upon it beforehand; I just honestly discovered by experience what kind of character attracts me. I’ve found out that I’m quite drawn to manly guys. The type that has a strong stance yet gentle in manner; a hint of humor won’t hurt, too! I also blush over a man who is a leader, humble, knows how to speak, goes deep and just really manly. I’m not a fan of men who takes too much time getting ready. I don’t know but I really have a thing for men that are manly and looks manly. Also someone who will be able to dance with my thoughts; that kind of man will be a dream come true.

Now that you have an idea of what I look for in a man, I also want to share the reality of my insecurities. I think it’s only fair to say that having such high standards doesn’t imply that I consider myself as someone who will fit the same kind of standard. I confess that ever since I’ve never been an ideal or a likeable material nor have I ever felt like one. Maybe because I grew up seeing girls around me getting liked and pursued; while I, on the other hand, was the girl that everyone seeks out for an advice or help in matters of courtship and relationship (I’m honestly pretty good at it!). That experience made me get used to the idea that I’m simply not a girl that someone will sincerely look at and see something special. I’m not trying to be humble, I’m just saying it as it is. I know God is working in me to deal with this issue, but as of the present I still can’t convince myself that I can be someone’s wife. Anyway, I don’t want to elaborate further about this anymore. I just want to share that a part of a single heart’s story is the reality of our insecurities.

To summarize my little story sharing, I want to emphasize important points. First is that we can still see a reflection of the past in our present. It can be for the good but it can also be for no good. I pray that all of us will be granted the wisdom to know the difference. Second, be honest with yourself and be honest with God. Pour your heart out to Him, tell Him everything even if He already knows it. Then let Him answer you through His word. Let Him teach you, cleanse you, and lead you. Lastly, remember that Christ alone ought to be the source, means, and end; being guided by this goal/principle will bring into light every false motive, it will set straight every decision, and it will purify every desire. Remember that if the end is not Christ then it is no true prize.

I’ve also included a link to one of my written out loud series (spoken word) entitled, “Dear You.” Please feel free to listen to it. I pray it will also be an encouragement! Thank you for reading and listening (if you did)!

The end.

-apG

Soli Deo Gloria

You will show me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalms 16:11

In the presence of God there is fullness, not emptiness.

In the presence of God there is joy, not sorrow.

In the presence of God theres pleasures, not pain.

and you are complete in Him...

Colossians 2:10

Not in a spouse, not in an earth realtionship, not in career. But in Christ we are complete, not outside of Christ.

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass

Psalm 37:4-5