#blake stratton

When the early settlers came to America on the Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria, they didn’t know what they would encounter in the strange new land. Fortunately, the Indian chief Squanto helped them survive by teaching them corn stuff: corn bread, corn pudding, corn hole, etc. Over time, the Indians and the English settlers became quite close. 

Now there was one settler, John Smith, who wanted to get particularly close to a special Indian lass. I’m speaking of course about the warrior princess Pocahontas, Squanto’s only daughter.  

Pocahantas had many suitors, all of whom would bring her fancy cornstuffs. She was adorned with beautiful popcorn necklaces, and she smoked of a variety of corn cob peace pipes. 

Try as he might, John could never seem to capture the attention of the warrior princess. His candy corn always turned out sour and his (some other corn thing, okay?). He was discouraged. 

But one day, all that changed. 

Sadly humming a sorrowful tune, he picked away at another cornstalk. Then, in a burst of inspiration, John imagined a way for him to win Pocahantas’ affection. He attached six strings and a piece of wood onto an ear of corn, and began to make a melody for his true love. Historians agree it probably looked very similar to this.

A few days later at the Thanksgiving Ball, John Smith became the first dude at a party to try to impress a girl with mediocre guitar playing. And to the disbelief of all in attendance, Pocahontas was actually into it. 

“I never knew he had such a dreamy, sensitive side,” she said. 

Since that first Thanksgiving, the guitar has become a symbol of man’s power and artistry. For Robert Johnson, the guitar was a voice of the blues. For Bob Dylan, an agent of social change. For Fred Durst, a vessel of his rich persona.

The guitar simply captivates men. It excites us so much, just hearing a rippin’ solo makes us feel childlike. In fact, since you started reading this article, 3 men have air guitared “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Thank you, guitar, for filling man with utter delight. After all, there are only so many activities that can make a man’s face do this.

Man’s greatest discovery: fire

Man’s second greatest discovery: cows taste good when hovered over flames. 

Man’s greatest invention: the iPhone

Man’s second greatest invention: the thing that hovered our cows for us, the grill. 

Webster’s dictionary definition:

grill \ˈgril\

from French gril meaning “to testosteronize” or “grow hair on one’s chest” 

1. transitive verb: to make a meat or multiple meats 

2. noun: the highest form of masculine cookery 

3. noun: Chamillionaire’s teeth 

For more information on grilling, please present your local man with one or more of the following: 

cow

pig

sausage

bratwurst

kebab (preferably with cow chunks)

steak

turkey or chicken or pheasant or pigeon

elk

pork

sirloin

rack of lamb

a pool party, a summer’s day, and/or a female he wants to impress

filet mignon

burning charcoal

If no man is presently available, Besties 4 Testies recommends you click this internet hyperlink to the worldwide web: http://www.ronswansongrill.com/

It’s the only way my Dad got me to eat my broccoli.

“It’ll put hair on your chest.”

Notice he didn’t say, “It’ll put hair on your chest, and that’s a good thing you should want.” 

That would have been unnecessary. Because for Stratton men, the chest beard is an innate source of pride. It turns the boy into man. 

That’s the power of body hair.* It serves much more than the obvious purposes of warming the body and arousing the females. It’s a mythical symbol of wild freedom, inspiring us from age to age.

In Bible times, God told Samson to grow his chest hair out as much as he could. Then one day, when Goliath was on his way to kill some Israelites, Samson fulfilled his destiny. Along the road, Samson hid within the fullness of his body hair. Goliath passed by unwittingly, taking Samson to be a common shrubbery. But Samson am-bushed and killed him, thus saving princess Esther from the fiery furnace. 

Nowadays, a man’s body hair is a source of artistic inspiration. His own carpeted canvas, if you will. 

I’m talking of course about the fine art of manscaping.˚  What begins as a subtle cleaning up of the armpits, five minutes later turns into a full-body shavescapade. Trimming over here, around there, and even down there, manscaping is a slippery slope of blade-running. It’s so fun, some men even get addicted to it. We call them swimmers.

Later in life, when our scalps fail us and give way to male-pattern baldness, the rest of our body seems to pick up the slack. Our shoulders soon make us forget we once had thick locks on our head, too. 

A faithful friend, body hair. It’s got your back.

Written by Blake Stratton

ˆ Which is why I cherish all 12 sprouts around my nipples. 

*medical term: forestus ubiquitous

This is not news. Dogs are man’s best friend, the original Bestie of Testies. 

The average man has several friends, often in different categories. Ben’s my golf guy, Steve hosts poker night, Bryan’s my sensitive conversation, and Tim has a boat...

But only the dog gets the title of “best” friend – and not just in the animal kingdom, but in ALL of the kingdoms.*

Because, for a man, the dog is the swiss army knife of friends. Or if you prefer, the wearer of many hats,ˆ including the following: