#blackboylove

Peace, 6:00 am

Part 3. LOVE:

After the breakup between my first girlfriend and I, the next several months were hard emotionally. I thought about her a lot still. The time you spend with someone can be enough to create a lot of memories, and the level at which you are present for those moments, will allow you to feel those memories forever. When you grow up in a space where time, and connection meant so much to you, because it meant so much to me, I was very much deep into my feelings over the separation. But because of everything I felt, I still loved her.

Who did I talk to? No one. I did not feel as though I had that outlet. Everyday was a cycle; school, sports, and a certain level of emptiness. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what a healthy relationship looked like. I knew I wanted “that feeling” back. The feeling of what she and I had, the feeling of emotional and physical connection. That day, came after school right before the end of 7th grade. I got a phone call, it was her, she spoke for several minutes, apologized many times, and then announced that she wanted us to be us again. I thought to myself, wow, is this really happening? I thought about my return to “that feeling”, and how much I still cared. I said yes, and for the rest of 7th grade and throughout the summer we were back together.

How strong was it? Was it like before? We were more sexually active, not too crazy, but we wrinkled the sheets a few times. I do not know how strong it was to be honest. I believed I put the act of her cheating behind me, I still hugged her and kissed her with everything I had. She was beautiful. For me, I tried to pick back up where we left off. That feeling was back, and I was happy, but I had no clue about her own. I assumed her smile was because of the time we spent together, the walks and talks we had. I assumed that she also had that feeling back. But as I reflect now, I can’t say if she ever had that feeling. If she did, would she have cheated in the first place? If she did, was she just to young to understand/comprehend it?

What was she looking for? Was she looking for anything at all? Maybe it was just me that yearned for that feeling. Was I actually at a high level of maturity than I give myself for understanding bits and pieces of what that feeling did to me, and how it made me it feel? Maybe I was moving too fast, or maybe she knew that she was too young to be committed. Or, maybe she wasn’t looking for that feeling from me. Maybe it was him who gave her the feelings that touched her the most.

Right before 8th grade started she called me one day to share with me her thoughts around this new transition. “You are about to go to 8th grade Keem, it is going to be a bigger school, with a ton a girls there, and I am about to attend a new school myself. How will I know that other girls will not try to go out with you?” I tried to plead my case. What do you mean? You are the only girl I am with and the only one I will be thinking about. “But we both will be in a new setting with new people”. I tried, and tried and some more, but her mind was made up, splitting up was the best thing to do, to her that is, maybe for her. So, she broke up with me. What is love I thought, because this didn’t make any sense to me. Being much older now, when I reflected on this situation years ago, I thought, wow, her level of maturity was at a level I couldn’t understand.

Once again I was hurting, the same girl, gone again. That feeling, gone again. Still, no one to talk to. Love, spoke volumes to me during the next couple months of being single and emotional. Shhhh, it said, love comes and goes, stays and leaves…..but if it’s one thing that I know.

Love isn’t lost, I know exactly where I put it at.