#blackbirdismine

What is one thing, in bed, do you wish you could do more of with your partner? ( sleep/nap/rest doesn’t count!)

What acts of foreplay do we not do that you wish we did?

Have you ever bragged about our sex life?

I didn’t fight other men… Stapling her well would’ve been the fastest way to lose her.

I didn’t fight her… I studied her. I tried to identify what she needed, whether she knew it or not, and give her that thing. Be that thing.

I fought for her safety. I fought for her health. I fought for her happiness and contentment. 

I fought my instincts and myself… Making sure my jealousy didn’t turn to bitterness, or my love to hatred when it wasn’t realized the way I wanted, when I wanted.

I also fought to let go and move on… In the end that was the one fight I lost .

I fought for her marriage and my own; I kept us apart for years, thinking it was the right thing, dying a little every time I thought of her in those years.

Time and fate are strange, and I now realize they were fighting for us too.

For all my determination and devotion, for all the thought I put into her and us, it turns out I was blind. I didn’t realize back then that she needed me as much as I needed her. I didn’t realize I was as important to her as she was to me. I thought I was just a convenient friend, a reliable safe Haven.

In the last few years, we have finally understood ourselves at each other enough to be honest. Enough to communicate and connect differently.

The journey took longer than you can imagine. It carried such a depth of joy and love and belonging and desperation and resignation and hurt(for both of us), that I honestly believe you can’t understand it, unless your journey parallels our own.

Then there are those who are EXCITED to get on their knees, or EXCITED to kneel.

In all the decades of searching, I’ve only ever found ONE who is equally excited to do both.

——

Imagine if, all those years ago, you woke up to find me in your tent, with your panties pulled down to your knees, with you laying on your back and me straddling your thighs.

My hand clamps over your mouth before you can say a word, so hard it almost hurts as you feel your head pushed into the ground beneath your pillow.

As your eyes begin to focus you stare at the head of my cock, as my hand slowly covers and uncovers it as I stroke myself.

Hold still and don’t make a sound.

If you yell I’ll have to shut you up, and if you move, I may miss your stomach and accidentally cum all over those moist inviting fucking lips of yours.

I have been watching you, you’ve SEEN me die a little every time you laugh with someone else, walk away with someone else, every time you touch someone’s arm and smile up at them, it makes me want to kill them or maybe just give up and die.

I’d never violate you the way I want, but I’ve been hard for 12 hours straight, because of you; it’s only fair you help me resolve this problem. You’ve heard the commercials, any longer than 4 hours and even a doctor would have to help Blackbird!

Just lay there. Look up at me, stay still, and this will be over soon.

I know I’m crossing a line. I know you’ll never see me the same way again, never trust me again… but it was either this or walk into the fucking lake and swim as far from shore as I can before I give up.

I know you’ve seen me. I know you’ll never are aware of how I feel. Watching you go off with that fucking guy tonight… I know you’ve seen just used your hands, it I swear you blocked eyes with me as you led him into the dark.

I don’t know why I’m not good enough, why you hate yourself so much that defiling yourself with a stranger is better letting yourself be with someone who wants you forever.

Maybe I’m too intense. Maybe I’m too ugly. All I know is this:

I follow you so I can see you more. I make myself watch you with others because it’s better than not seeing you. I close my eyes, and you dance through my dreams.

After tonight, after you wear the evidence of my obsession, I’ll disappear. It will destroy my soul, but it’s better than seeing fear or hatred in your eyes. Better than trying to see you and having to watch you run from me.

Remember that I love you. Remember that I needed you so badly I’m willing to hate myself forever as a price for this little piece of you.

——

would 19 year old you have let me finish?

Screamed?

Would you have reached down to help, reached up to wipe away my tears, or loosed your claws to TRY to drive me away?

I’ve been fantasizing about using a series of toys on you until you beg me to stop, then making you get on top. Imagine your arms restrained above your head securely enough that you can put serious weight on it. Use that to help you stay upright as you bounce on me. 

When you finally collapse and hang limp by your wrists, I can grab your hips and keep thrusting up from underneath.

Getting ready in the morning? Send me a picture if I can’t be there.

Bedtime at the end of the day? Send me a picture if I can’t be there.

Shower? Send me a picture if I can’t be there.

Stripping down for a massage appointment?

Mammogram? Send me a picture if I can’t be there.

Flashing at a Mardi Gras event? Send me a picture if I can’t be there.

Thinking about being naked with me? Send me a picture if I can’t be there.