#bisexualiy

Today, I have no problem in saying I’m bisexual. All my friends are very accepting of this, my mom never says a word when I talk about it in front of her, my husband supports me in my fight for bisexual rights. Everything seems good. Except that, when I start talking about the fact that bisexuals need more recognition, most of those accepting people are taken aback. To them, “it’s 2019, no one cares about other people’s sexuality and those who do care are morons”. I love my friends for that, for being really open-minded and not treating people differently because of who they are, who they love or how they look like. Some would say they are really naive to think that way and they would be right. Because the world isn’t like they think it is.

I remember when I was sixteen and I met my first serious boyfriend. He was great and he was always more than happy when I was a little too drunk and kissed a girl in front of him. He was the typical straight guy who thought he could have sex with two girls if his girlfriend was so open. Then we broke up for a few months, I dated a girl for the first time in that period and when we got back together, we’d have huge fights anytime I’d approach a girl. It wasn’t fun and exciting anymore. It was a problem because I could have had sex with the girl without him if I ever wanted to. We broke up for good after a three-years relationship because of it, because he couldn’t accept the fact that I liked girls but I loved him only. Because of him, because of the way he felt when I was spending time with a girl, I wondered if I was really honest with myself. I wondered if, maybe, I was just gay and I wouldn’t accept it. I wasn’t. I’m not. 

But this proves that bisexuals aren’t “no big deal”. They are transparent. I’m 26 now, and my sexuality is sometimes still an issue. I started volunteering for the LGBTQA+ center of my city this year and it was as great as it was awful. I met wonderful people and most of them don’t even know I’m bi or married to a guy. When I talked with some of them, they just assumed I was married to a girl and I didn’t say otherwise. Some called me a “sympathisant” when I said I wasn’t a lesbian. Some would be really awful with bisexuals in front of me, because they didn’t know about me. I like them all, but they think people like me have no business at the association, even though the “B” in “LGBTQA+” is for Bisexuals… The worst part is that, for some people I met in the past, the simple fact that I’m married to a guy is proof that I’m kinda “cured” of my attraction to girls. This is really stupid, but something I have to live with everyday. 

When I first met Magnus Bane, I was already 23 and in a three-years relationship with my husband. This is going to sound crazy but it was the first time in my life that I heard of a bisexual character in a successful teen novel. And Magnus was… He was that guy who would wear make-up for the exact same reason I do : to hide the scars on his soul, to tell the world “I’m great and I’m happy and everything is fine”. He was that guy who was so sassy and funny and a little effeminate maybe, but so powerful that no one would mess with him. He was awesome. He could wear make-up and kicked ass, he could love a boy and assumed that he loved a girl before and every other character would respect him, loved him, cared for him. He was the best and I wish I would have known him when I was a teenager. Because he was all I’ve ever wanted to be : a kind, loving and badass bisexual person. I feel more connected to Alec because we have the same kind of personality, the older sibling who has to be the best kind, but Magnus is the one I love the most. He is a good character, a great example for young readers and an awesome representation for bisexuals. Growing up, I knew no one like him in the books I loved. Harry Potter was my favorite, but when I learned that Dumbledore was gay, it wasn’t as great : it didn’t really show in the books and well… He was gay, I’m not. 

I know there is a lot of bi characters in other books. But, when you’re twelve, you don’t really read those books and most young adult novels with important LGBTQA+ characters are for LGBTQA+ readers. Your mom won’t pick up a book with a gay boy as the hero if you’re not her gay son. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only bi girl who was still questioning her sexuality at twelve. It would have been so great if one of my favorite books had a bi character. I wouldn’t have felt so alone growing up. My highschool best friend is today in a serious relationship with another girl. Back in highschool, she would tell me everything, but she never told me she liked girls too. Actually, she even spent a lot of her time acting as if she was madly in love with some asshole of our class. Maybe she really was, I don’t know. I lied too and never told her I was in love with her. Because we lived in a straight world, watching straight people being straight. I met a gay person for the first time at sixteen. This is crazy. I knew they existed, but not in my life and I was so scared to be gay too because of this, because I had no one to understand what it would be. So I pretend I like that guy or that one. Sometimes, I really did. Most of the time, I didn’t. It was really painful and I grew up self-conscious and ashamed of myself, of what I wanted and what I felt.