#bipolarunchained

i  realized that i was in-denial of having mental illness. i stopped my medications this month because my finances are going through a hard time since we will be moving to a new home in a different city and the relocation fees like rent deposits, truck rental, gas & etc are all on me. i have computed how much it would affect my savings, not to mention that our company reimburses medical fees EXCEPT FOR MENTAL HEALTH RELATED which sucks, right? another thing, i said to myself that i was doing pretty well the last few weeks that i could go without the med, that maybe i was misdiagnosed.

these past few days, i was worse than ever— my thoughts are racing very fast that i feel so agitated, i need to move, i need to write, i need to do something yet i feel so low, depressed and far from being just sad. my co-workers and my family could notice it as i’ve been talking to to them but my mind was everywhere that they couldn’t understand. been having multiple delusions about my co-workers trying to harm me in every possible way. i’m struggling but i am fighting, i wish i could stop fighting but i don’t want to give in. i guess i’ll hear my psychiatrist’s “i told you so, you need medications” by next month, i hope. 

Hi. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder with Mixed Features, struggling everyday but believing that my mental illness is not who I am but is just a part of me. This will be my first post about it, hope it’ll give you a little insights.

THREE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS ONE:

We’re “moody” people. Yes, it’s a mood disorder but I find that “moody” is such an understatement for what we feel. Our moods DO NOT change from time-to-time as you expect. Like happy this morning, sad at night, though there are ones who are like that but that’s not my point. We have what we call, “episodes”. It lasts for weeks, months, and sometimes, years. It’s not just moody for a short period of time, it’s more than that and it affects a hell out of our lives. 

We’re “violent” people. I understand you, it’s okay, there are some writers and directors who use our illness wrongfully and exaggeratedly in some movies but NO, we’re not violent. Chances are we’re clumsy and hyped up people to the point that we might non purposely hurt the ones close to us. If a bipolar person has hurt physically in the past, on behalf, I’m very sorry. 

We can’t be successful. Why not? People think that people with this illness can’t go to work. Not true, most of the people diagnosed with BD are still functional, goes to work, lead people and even, be successful in businesses! Like Vincent Van Gogh, Kurt Cobain, Demi Lovato, Mariah Carey and Selena Gomez! All creative and talented. Prescribed medicines and therapy help us so much in handling our illness so we could cope up with whatever the normal life is might be the easy going or the opposite. 

Some people believe we’re crazy and needs special treatment, yes, maybe but if by “special treatment” you mean extra kindness and concern--- don’t we need that all? With illness or not? We can’t figure out who’s with or who’s without. Let’s be kind to each other everyday. 

12:43 AM  — I had my psychiatric session today. 

As I’ve mentioned from my last post, I have skipped sessions due to financial reasons, conflict of schedule and the hardest reason, the in-denial of my illness. Been thinking I was better off without medicines but I became worse than ever that I finally decided to go back to recovery. 

I was anxious that my psychiatrist would scold me for skipping her sessions and not drinking her prescribed medicines but she welcomed me with, “It’s good to have you back again, I was thinking about you most of the time wondering what happened. I appreciate you deciding to come back.” And my heart melted, I don’t know if all psychiatrists say that to make their patients feel better but it totally worked for me. All throughout my journey, I decided to keep this from my family. Thus, I am alone. No one motivates me to continue recovery and no one encourages me to fight. It’s only me. Just me, encouraging myself. And it’s harder than I thought. 

But my doctor inspired me today, I hope this goes on. 

New medications, new side effects and new adjustments. 

#solanadevotionals – inspirational devotions & motivational movements;

#mentalhealthawareness - my advocacies in raising one, breaking the stigma;

#bipolarunchained - stories about my mental illness, being bipolar and stuff;

#likhangsining - ooh i write poems and essays too!

#personal - anything that doesn't belong to the four, lolz.

“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever You will call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger.  In the presence of my Savior.” ---- Oceans, Hillsong

Today marks my 4th psychiatric session and for the first time, I was ecstatic to announce to my psychiatrist that I am finally getting better, unlike the previous sessions which are all filled with remorse and dreadful tears. It’s hard to be diagnosed with a mental illness during these times, most of the people will think you’re just making things up or maybe you’re not just praying to God enough AND we’re not even talking about taking medicines just to feel okay. Nope, we’re not even there yet.

This battle against Bipolar II disorder with mixed features is the warzone that my 12 years old self back then, has never imagined facing. Fast forward, 10 years later, I’m 22 now, sometimes I’m still in the “indenial stage” especially that my parents don’t know about it yet. 

Let me share my song cover while I’m still on a mania stage. I will remain unchained --- walking upon the waters above my fears and this illness. Jesus is my everlasting Solana. 

Hello there Anon. Thanks for reading my page! I'm sorry if you are struggling right now and yes, very much okay with me to share my journey — that's why I am here.

I really encourage everyone to seek professional help even if they think that what they're feeling isn't in the "severe" case. If you think you need one, go get one. I appreciate you wanting to be better.

JUST WANNA SHARE THE TAKE NOTES FROM THERAPY TODAY:

"The reason why weaknesses always outnumber the strengths when we are asked to list down all of it is that we don't acknowledge that we are strong. Believe in yourself, even an amount of patience is a strength.”

“You always seem to write about your experiences about other people or other people’s traits and how they made you feel. I hope you could write how you see yourself of who you really are, what do you think of yourself regardless of the experiences.”

“When you know yourself, you will truly know your worth in spite of the bad experiences. You know what your worth is, you will never settle.”

“Never forget to do what you love, even at least 10-30 minutes a day. Fight for that time for yourself, that’s a better self care than skincare.”

So that’s it. Therapy is the best place to be, always the best 1-hour of my life.