#binxreader

flowing so smoothly like a stream, the late night ride was just like that. the occasional flickering of the road lights were not noticeable by you as you drove elsewhere, to wherever your consciousness will be leading you to. even the soft and mellow music playing on the radio is barely audible to you.

you were so focused yet so distracted on the road.

there you were on the road with your red convertible, silently driving at a slower pace than you usually go for. the wind, as if your lover, kisses your bare skin all over. the cold wind does not seem to want to leave you alone, even when the stoplight is the same hue of your car. clingy type much?

the chilly night offered so much comfort for you, like it always does. out of all the feelings a person could feel in their lifetime, this will always be, without a doubt, the feeling you would always choose to wallow in.

the person who is always known to be very jolly and outgoing is actually the most silent and perhaps solemn person you know. so loud yet at the same time so calm; you, that’s you.

which is why the spectacular artist sitting in your passenger seat can never get used to all the times you are not like your usual outgoing self. sometimes, some are even scared when you are not like that. it’s not that you’re letting them sense an impending doom— your pent up anger, they assume— but rather this is just you when you are comfortable with the person you’re with. a bit ironic, isn’t it? but that’s why he liked you among the rest.

raw, genuine— you. it’s always you that he admired. the person whom he met at the nearby restaurant you were working at. the person who chased him under the rain when he left his phone on the table after dining. the person who always, always, always beams him the most beautiful smile he has ever laid his eyes upon. someone who harbored as if the same mindset as his, god, how breathtaking can you be?

“pay me with an autograph maybe?” he remembers this line so vividly as if that nostalgic memory of his had just occurred this morning. sure, it may be a cliché starting point but changbin can never shrug off the laugh you let out after joking lightheartedly. it was as if he encountered such a composition he has been looking for so long, it felt like he had just won the lotto. the tunes of every instruments can never compare to such a melodious laugh he has since yearned to hear once more.

sneaky but obvious, changbin dropped by the restaurant whenever he can, sometimes dragging along with him his friends. whenever he can is equivalent to almost every single day. were you oblivious to it? perhaps, hehe.

changbin is always in for a good time and so are you. events on the same page of the same book, it always feels like a fantasy whenever he is with you. a fever dream that feels like cherry blossoms raining down gloriously on the road. everything beautiful, everything wonderful, changbin associated each and every single thing to you.

loneliness, a horrible, horrible feeling to experience. changbin hated going through such. but even in moments of silence like this, as long as it’s with you, as long as it’s you, not any ounce of loneliness is capable of overwhelming him.

oh, man, he fell hard without him noticing.

at this point, he’s unsure of how he is able to keep his feelings hidden. he would be so loud and open about his matters and thoughts but with you, he just couldn’t express how whipped this man is for you. without him realizing, he has written a couple songs about you which he deliberately hides from his members whenever he feels like he is about to get caught. some have lived their life with the company of a serene melody, some still stationed in a paper, some unfinished.

like he always questions, how were you able to captivate him like this?

tonight, he sensed something wrong. though he still is adjusting with your silence, he knows when it is a comfortable silence.

but tonight wasn’t anything like that. it felt heavy for some reason that even changbin isn’t sure of. he knows that your way of expressing comfortability is through your warm and calm silence however why does it feel off this time? the puzzle just won’t fit as changbin is unsure which is the right piece for this.

two words, a question; he wanted to ask a simple what’s up? but it was buried deep in his throat that it felt uncomfortable— like he wanted to throw it all up for his own comfort. choking on his words, changbin didn’t seem to notice the sudden halt of the car near his studio.

“i’ll drop you off here, bin,” you softly tell him. “i’ll be going somewhere. i hope you don’t mind.”

“uh... no, not at all.” changbin awkwardly replied. he wanted to ask where, however his usual energy is missing and he doesn’t know why. it’s frustrating him already.

that was cut off, though, when you chuckled. “you must be curious where.”

changbin scoffs a little, his body turning to face you better after removing his seatbelt. “yeah, i am, thanks for saving me there. tell me about it.”

you both laughed, with changbin as if recording your laugh in his brain, registering it as the most wonderful melody he has ever heard so he can listen to it over and over again. he’s so smitten for you. it’s adorable.

“i’ll go... somewhere far away.” you grin at him, but it felt wrong. why was there a pause? why are you hesitating? changbin wanted to push away the worry that was starting to build up in his body. it made him uneasy.

“to where exactly?”

you shrug, “don’t know. just anywhere but here.”

“here?” changbin wondered.

“i already know, bin.”

know what? he wanted to ask but he didn’t want to know at the same time.

“that you like me.”

“you’re the best clown i ever met.” changbin spat out unconsciously, perhaps a defense mechanism. it caught you off guard, but not to the point that it offended you. you chortled, smiling at him.

“i am, i am, you’re right.” you removed your seatbelt as well, facing him fully this time with your cheek resting on the seat of your car.

“but bin,” a sad smile he saw on your lips, “we both know i’m not lying.”

this time, it was him who was silent.

“i think... you know my answer already.” you closed your eyes, facing upwards. the bitterness is flowing smoothly like your ride, like a stream.

“...i don’t think i need to know.” changbin does the same as you do. “go to wherever, heal yourself. you know i’ll always be here for you, even when here is not the place you want to go to.”

“i know...” you sigh, still maintaining a sad smile. “i might be a meanie if i say this, but who knows? maybe in the future?”

changbin scoffs lightheartedly, “that i also don’t think i need to hear.”

ironically, this is where the comfortable silence comes in. despite the heavy topic, the serious topic, it just felt comfortable for the two of you even if it was painful. perhaps this is just the calm before the storm— before the both of you start feeling the regret.

“this is annoying.” changbin exclaims lowly, to which you chuckled softly. “it is.”

“i just hope you’ll be happy, that isn’t something you really would find in me. i’m too broken to make someone happy.” you wish bitterly.

“you don’t have to do anything to make me happy, you know?” bin hungs his head, forehead resting on his palm gently. “being around you is already the best, what more can i ask for? you never left me alone.”

“i will now, though.” you face him slowly, a tear rolling down your cheek as you did so.

“don’t wait for me, bin.”

changbin felt all sorts of emotions— all the what if’s and could’ve been’s combined with the frustration and desperation fighting with one another of which will reign among him. he hated it, truly. a part of him wanted to continue hoping, but another part of him wanted to stop, to recognize that this is the end.

though he was happy that you are choosing to prioritize yourself, it felt like you were pushing him away. to push someone away is like leaving them, he didn’t like being left behind. especially by you whom he had confided so comfortably like he never did before.

changbin gently opens the door of the car, dismounting it before closing it gently. he didn’t have any energy to deal with this anymore and he didn’t want to force himself to do that.

“whatever you say,” he tried to smile. “don’t decide for me. i’ll wait for you, even if i stand a chance or not. whether or not i still want you to be mine or if i have moved on from this.”

this took you aback, almost gasping at his response while your tears continue to roll down.

“i’ll wait for you because i like having you around, so don’t decide for me, got that?” though changbin sounded firm, he was attempting to create a lively atmosphere despite all of the feelings lingering around. this doesn’t change the fact that he is serious with all of his proclamations for you.

“now wipe your tears and get going. your time starts now!” he chortles at you before running to the studio.

you couldn’t help but smile at this goofy moment that you will be missing terribly. as much as you wanted to accept him, you just weren’t ready to engage with anyone. there are too much scars adorning your soul that you need to heal. it would be better to say no than to self-sabotage and harm him. and you’re sure that he understands that.

but who knows, right? maybe some other time, some other occasion or whatnot.

betting on it, however, is neither of you’s priority at the moment. you both chose to just continue living your life. he enters the studio while you continue driving.

the chilly yet soothing wind that seemed to have deemed themself as your lover still never left you alone, bathing you in kisses that you wish you could feel from changbin.

how much he yearned for you, you yearned for him just as much. perhaps, it just was not the right time for the both of you.